tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44821146470997236622024-03-13T21:37:13.415-07:00THE HILL CLIMB OF LIFE<center>To those of you out there who have struggled or are still fighting...</center>Lady Lazarushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03565395320448506647noreply@blogger.comBlogger73125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4482114647099723662.post-62546533244739729512011-05-28T12:51:00.000-07:002011-05-28T12:51:21.198-07:00StrugglingOk so generally I'm moaning about my binges and how out of control my wildly disordered eating is. But at the moment it's kind of going in the other direction. In other words, downwards.<br />
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So I was between 92-83lbs at the end of March, in the most part due to the extreme bingeing I was doing with all the stress of my sister's wedding. And gradually since then I've pretty much been restricting more and more. I am at the point right now where I vomit up everything I attempt to eat, and that's not much. Today I had some vegetables in tomato sauce and a few boiled sweets.<br />
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My weight this morning was 6st 12.5. Deary me. That's 82.5lb if you're interested. I guess I'm a bit stressed about it simply because I desperately need to keep myself stable enough so that rehab will accept me. <br />
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On that note, having gone down to Plymouth on Tuesday for an assessment my social worker got a phonecall to say that they really liked me and now it's pushing on to the next stage. Basically that means that they will gather information about my case history from my treatment team and then come to a decision as to whether they will take me. Then there's an application for funding and after that, if it's all approved...I wait for a bed. It could be as soon as a month.<br />
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Originally I was pretty unsure. I wasn't sure on Tuesday even after going there. But waking up on Wednesday I felt really positive that I was making the right decision. I know I cannot allow myself to stay stuck any longer. It's pretty much a comfortable situation I'm in right now, with somewhere nice to live and all, no financial troubles...but this really could go on forever. And I want to be able to take risks, to fulfil some of my dreams, to experience life and truly live.<br />
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I guess I just need to keep myself focused on the goal ahead. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I cannot allow myself to wreck it all now. So I think I'll be going back on Ensures if I can't eat by next week. Otherwise I will end up in hospital with a tube down me. Ok so it's really not that drastic at the moment but my BMI is 16...and at 15 they will most probably intervene.<br />
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Love xxLady Lazarushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03565395320448506647noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4482114647099723662.post-51280235478310379932011-05-21T05:23:00.000-07:002011-05-21T05:23:31.643-07:00In LimboWell at this present moment in time I feel in limbo. I have a rehab visit scheduled for the 24th May. Tuesday, in other words. I guess I am in two halves. I have a home, somebody who loves me and cares for me, a beautiful dog who is my world. I could just carry on regardless. I could accept my life and continue on benefits, continue to allow my 20s to disappear. And I suppose that really is the easy option. I know it's a private rehab and I know it will be the best care I could ask for, but I will not be able to run any more. I will have to face up to so many things that I have tried to avoid for so many years. So much that I don't want to say, that I don't even think matters any more. <br />
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Mostly, I don't want them to take away my eating disorder.<br />
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God that sounds stupid. Really, really stupid. I've lived with this now for practically forever, in many different forms. I have starved, binged, purged, abused diet pills, not been able to swallow...the list is endless. <br />
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At times I have been in hell with it. At times I would have given anything to be free of it. And at times I have fought very hard to free myself. When I was severely anorexic, near death, at 4st 10 (70lb), I did at least get help. Firstly to run to Australia and attempt to cure myself by run run running, then by spending two horrible years at an outpatient ED therapy clinic with a horrible woman for a therapist. Needless to say I put on weight and ended up bulimic. 'Recovered' in the eyes of everyone around me.<br />
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And that's how I've stayed ever since. I was 19 then. I'm 28 this year. The first time I remember being scared of food was when I was very young. And yet despite the grief it gives me, despite the huge amount of debilitating health problems that have put me on benefits and unable to live my life, I am still clinging to it. <br />
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So you can see why I don't want to go. I have given up all my other self-destructive behaviours. I have stopped cutting. The last time I hurt myself was October 2010. I have stopped drinking. I have stopped taking drugs. Yet I cannot, I cannot, I just can't let go of this one last part of me that keeps me in control, that I love to hate and yet I cherish. Of course when my weight is up I cannot cope, and when I'm bingeing and purging I despise myself with every pore of my body. I cannot stand myself, cannot stand being in my body, spend every waking moment desperately attempting to tolerate my flesh. Feeling the fat cling to my arse, my hips and thighs, my legs and breasts. I cannot explain in words how distressing this is. Generally it drives me to drink, which fuels the bingeing, which leads me to cut badly and end up in a massive crisis.<br />
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Lately I have averted this in two ways. Firstly, my partner has been strictly controlling my Antabuse so I have no opportunity to drink. And secondly, I am underweight and restricting.<br />
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Oh the calm after the storm. The wonderful, blissful calm of starvation. Existing in a static bubble where I am in control, where I can at least tolerate the level of self-hatred for my body. Of course I still spend every moment in the trap of my ED, I spend so much of my day criticising my body, looking in the mirror, counting calories, purging any food I do consume. Purging water and tea because it bloats me. Not taking my laxatives because being severely blocked up makes me feel full and not have to tolerate the hunger or the desperate need to eat.<br />
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I guess this is where I am today.<br />
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I will try to write more about other news. I will try later. Right now I am aware of an apple in my stomach that I feel I must get out. I know this must sound ridiculous but I am too anxious to care about the rational solution.<br />
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À Bient ôtLady Lazarushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03565395320448506647noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4482114647099723662.post-65189000567189264512011-05-14T14:20:00.000-07:002011-05-14T14:20:55.100-07:00Still Alive and Very Much KickingI must apologise profusely for my failure to blog. I have to admit I can be pretty hopeless at blogging when I'm having a hard time. <br />
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I will try to write more often. No promises though. And I'm definitely not doing well at all at catching up with other peoples' blogs. That's the hard part when you don't have the motivation or the concentration. I love reading blogs, I really do, but sometimes it's just all too emotional. I find I can drag myself deeper into anxiety if I read about certain topics. At the moment I am feeling all tight in my chest and freaky in the head because I've been reading blogs both about weight loss and about eating disorders. I shouldn't. I read about people bingeing and I feel a desperate, sudden rush of an urge to binge. It can be quite overwhelming, especially if I haven't had any desire to binge all day.<br />
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In other news, my eating disorder has been pretty out of control lately. Wild actually, and more prevalent than it's been in years. Because I've stopped drinking, stopped cutting, stopped everything I use to cope except my ED, it's hitting me full in the face.<br />
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I guess before Christmas I was pretty thin. I know the lowest I got down to was 5st 12lb but that didn't last. I stayed around 6st for a while. But after Christmas things went a bit crazy, I drank all through Christmas and pretty much all the time through the next few months, in secret, which of course made me chronically anxious and paranoid. Plus when I drink I binge REALLY badly. And I mean REALLY.<br />
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So when I eventually went off the rails and drank myself into casualty for the night, unconscious and hooked up to God knows what, my partner found out and I had to stop again. He basically said it was him and my home or the drink. I left, packed my stuff and got severely pissed, went to find a shelter for the night, buying a packet of razor blades on the way, walking towards the hospital in the knowledge that I would probably need medical attention sharpish.<br />
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Then my phone rang and I got a voicemail from my Mum, who lives 150 miles away in Southampton. I normally ignore my phone. For some reason I listened. It was a desperate plea to me, begging me not to do anything to harm myself, saying that my partner had phoned her and said he'd come and get me wherever I was, all would be forgiven, he'd take care of me. I fought with myself all the way to the hospital, finally managing to throw out the vodka bottle, into a handy bush, and phoned my wonderful man who came and rescued me from disaster. I am SO very lucky to have people who care for me. I would be dead otherwise.<br />
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To cut a long story short, I have been back on Antabuse since (drug that makes you severely ill if you choose to drink). I hate it but it's a necessary evil and I have to admit things have been much better since. This was back in March now, before my sister's wedding. I probably already blogged about it so apologies if you've read the same story twice. <br />
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So I know I said I was bingeing really badly and it went on and on and on. I ended up at 6st 9lb, a weight I hadn't seen since probably a year ago. I know the wedding was the culprit, and it gradually did die down after it was over. It took a few weeks of bingeing on and off, purging majorly and struggling to get a grip, but now thank God things are so much better.<br />
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Basically I did get a grip and got down to about 6st 4 by basically not eating, bingeing late at night and purging for an age, sometimes for 2 hours and up to 6 times a night, just to get rid of it all. And I started to throw up blood, and my ulcer started to play up, and it was horrible.<br />
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I am still purging, worse now, pretty much everything I eat, but I am also not eating. I have had loads of issues with my stomach in the past week and have not really been able to eat. I've still had a couple of small binges but in general I've hardly eaten. My weight is now 6st 2lb and I am thanking my lucky stars for having a stupid digestive system. <br />
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So that's where I'm at. <br />
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I guess I should post about life but it's pretty non-existent right now thanks to the ED. Still walking the dog, and that's about it. Really shitty but I am stuck in my ED bigtime. God I hate it so much, and yet I crave the control, revel in it.<br />
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I am going to visit a private rehab in a week. Looks like it won't be long until I go, and it will be for 6 months at least. I'm pretty scared, scared that they will take my ED away from me and I will go crazy. Scared that therapy will drag up shit I don't want to face. Scared that it will send me spiraling back into that dark place. But also hopeful, praying that it helps, praying that it pushes me through the last leg of this awful journey. I still have no real life to speak of, no friends, no job, no structured activities, no nothing. I guess I'm hoping it will teach me how to be brave, to engage in life, rather than resort to living inside my head and engaging only in my obsessive behaviours.<br />
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It's been interesting because I haven't been cleaning much in the last few years. In fact I've been terrible and really not caring. But when I was severely anorexic I was obsessed with cleaning. It was REALLY bad and all-consuming, all the sorting and cleaning and doing it at ridiculous hours of the night. And now it's back. Almost ten years later and I find myself obsessing, cleaning out the oven, the drains, under the beds, sorting through cupboards, ruthlessly throwing out my possessions. It's horrible, I find myself wanting to get rid of EVERYTHING, purge the house of junk, make it pure. A stark reflection of my need to purge my body I guess. But it's not a good obsession, it eats up my time. I cannot seem to focus on anything but straightening up furniture, cleaning the kitchen, folding up blankets, sorting clothes...the list is endless. I guess all I think about is either food or housework. Sad, really. <br />
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The stupid thing is I don't really mind right now. I'm safe in my little bubble, it's calm inside, I feel comforted. Like nothing can harm me. Despite the fact that my health is fucked up. And if I keep deteriorating I will lost the chance to go to rehab. God I hate that I self-sabotage, that I am always at the extreme end of self-destruction. At least the ED is pretty private and not dramatic, so I get away with absorbing myself in it in peace, without so much hassle and trauma that comes with alcohol and cutting. No skin grafts, no A&E visits, no getting thrown out of my house, no putting my life and the life of others in danger. Better I guess. And even my therapist prefers my eating disorder to my drinking and cutting. Weird hey? A slow, gently destruction, no drama, doesn't affect other people.<br />
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So there we have it. My life as it stands. I am still in complete and utter love with my little dog G. He is the centre of my universe, and the cutest, most handsome dog in the world! I will post a picture one day. Promise.<br />
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Oh and I had to get bloods done the other day and when I looked at the form the doctor had written 'anorexia' in the illness box. I haven't been classed as anorexic for about 6 years. It made me mad, like that is NOT what I am. It kind of sucks.<br />
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All shall be revealed in due course my friends.<br />
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For now, I'm signing off.<br />
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Stay safe xxxLady Lazarushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03565395320448506647noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4482114647099723662.post-29116449450158245272011-04-25T14:44:00.000-07:002011-04-25T14:44:05.690-07:00The Struggle ContinuesAh, I have had mega problems with keeping up with my journal lately. Stupid really. I suppose I find it exhausting enough just living when I'm struggling, let alone having to recite it again to myself through text.<br />
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Anyway, my eating has been crazy up and down, spent months b/ping every day and this last couple of weeks have managed to salvage some sanity and get back some control. I still b/p but it's lessening and my weight is FINALLY stable. I have gained half a stone since Christmas... truely disgusting. I am currently fighting with the scale, and for the most part I am restraining from weighing myself because it all too often leads to a massive binge. Oh the depth of self-disgust I feel when I binge. Foul.<br />
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In other news, my partner's sister died and we had a funeral etc to attend to, and then my poor wee dog got bitten badly by a Bull Terrier. The owners were so awful that in the end we had to call the police. I stupidly got in the middle of the fight to try and rescue G but in the process that evil dog tried to take my leg off and I have two massive bruises from his teeth. Despite all this the owners STILL tried to claim that my miniature schnauzer attacked their dog! Foul language ensued...it ended in them getting a ticking off from the police and their dog being reported to the warden. Despite their protests the nice policeman wasn't stupid enough to believe my dog was capable of beating up a dog whose head alone is bigger than G! Needless to say as this happened on the same day as the funeral - after the service and before the wake - it's been a pretty shit week. He's not been able to walk so I've been in the house a lot and my partner has worked the entire Easter weekend so I've been very lonely and anxious and generally STRESSED.<br />
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However, I am currently working with a social worker with the view to getting into rehab in the very near future. At first I was really uncertain, but to be honest things have been so tough and it's been a real struggle to get through without self-destructing, and I think that if I want to have any realistic chance of having a stable life then I have to grab the opportunity. It will be a private clinic funded by the NHS and it'd probably be at least six months, so it's a big deal right now. Plus it won't even be in Wales so I'll be far away in another country ... sort of! But it does make it difficult to maintain a relationship. And of course I would miss the dog terribly, softie that I am.<br />
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Not surprisingly, as soon as I begin to write I find it helpful. Yet I still find it such an immense challenge when I am depressed.<br />
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I think time to sign off with the usual promise of more posts in the not so distant future. I will endeavor to try my best.<br />
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Love to all you fellow bloggers and loyal readers - again I apologise for my absence xxxLady Lazarushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03565395320448506647noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4482114647099723662.post-934348773067440432011-04-01T15:41:00.000-07:002011-04-01T15:41:25.779-07:00Gosh... and other thingsWell it's been a while. I suppose when I am at my most poorly I choose to stop communicating. And the shame of gaining weight has played a big part. I have gained half a stone and it is mainly because my sister's wedding was last weekend, and for the past few months I have been incredibly anxious about the whole thing. We don't get on particularly well and she has quite strong opinions of me, mainly that I am an attention seeker who causes drama at any opportunity. And ruins all social occasions. And is unpredictable and a liability. She basically rang me a week before the wedding and shouted abuse down the phone, warning me to behave or otherwise not turn up. Difficult.<br />
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In the end we cleared the air somewhat and I stayed impeccably behaved and sober, acted like a sane human being and made my parents proud. Also covered my scars for the sake of argument. A stressful experience. All I can say is that I hope she never gets divorced because I cannot take another wedding!<br />
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In other news, not much. The stress of the wedding and my intermittent drinking has led to massive binges. I have spent a couple of months literally bingeing day and night, sometimes up to 15,000 calories a day. I have given myself ulcers in my throat and on my tonsils, as well as where my teeth meet my lips. I have been dizzy and exhausted, pathetically so. Crying over the toilet bowl, pleading with myself to stop so that I no longer have to endure the torture of it all. <br />
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Since the wedding I have managed to get a grip and calm down slightly. I haven't exactly been wonderful food-wise but I haven't binged. Standing on the scale does nothing to help, and I have taken to wearing support shorts under my clothes to minimise my fatness. Part of the reason for returning to this blog is to make myself accountable once again for what I do to myself and to help me to be aware of the triggers behind my behaviours.<br />
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I will write more soon. Right now I am struggling with my stomach after eating a huge amount of sweets, but I will not vomit. Sugar is all I have eaten today. Tomorrow I will try again.<br />
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Au revoir for now my friends xLady Lazarushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03565395320448506647noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4482114647099723662.post-65642660296278000662011-01-23T11:33:00.000-08:002011-01-23T11:33:56.388-08:00PLEASE HELP WITH A RESEARCH STUDY INTO ALCOHOL USEI am currently undertaking a research project into alcohol use/misuse among the general population and it would be great if some of you were willing to get involved. It will of course be anonymous, and will go towards improving services for patients of addictions clinics within the NHS. The aim is to raise awareness and depth of understanding about the complex world of substance use and abuse.<br />
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Here's how to get involved if you wish to:<br />
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Please either email me direct at princesslucywithglitterontop@hotmail.com, or facebook me with your contact details.<br />
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I will then email you a form to fill in and further details.<br />
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If you would like to remain completely anonymous (ie to me as well as the public) then please state and I will send you my address so that the form can be sent back unsigned by post.<br />
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I would be grateful for any participation, even partial. The aim of the research is to obtain data about alcohol use/misuse through different age ranges/social groups, and the effects it may have socially/physically on the lives of the individual and their families/friends.<br />
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You may fill in all/part of the survey. If you have any questions please ask.<br />
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Thanks in advance for your input.Lady Lazarushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03565395320448506647noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4482114647099723662.post-21464755691891177312010-12-07T13:25:00.000-08:002010-12-07T13:25:22.543-08:00SQUINCHY...is the name that my OH and I use when I'm feeling anxious, or stressed, or a bit 'argh'. Like that feeling you get inside, you know? When you're all sad and tense and a bit confused. I get it a lot. But having the 'squinch' is not such a bad thing. Why? I hear you cry. Well. having a silly name for it, putting it into words, communicating it, makes it lessen. Like, it's a safe word. I can say it without having to say 'I feel like self-harming' or 'I want to die'. It helps both of us to get through those dark days. And most times, when we've talked and had a cuddle, the squinch dies away. So that's just my take on those days, you know, when you know how you feel, you just don't know how to tell someone.<br />
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Good day? Mostly. My knee is now even more extremely buggered. I walked the dog in the ice and snow again this morning for a couple of hours. It's NOT good walking conditions when you have unstable joints. It's bloody hard work and I'm terrified of dislocating something. I struggle through it every day because it is my soul food and G adores the walks. It is SO amazingly beautiful around here right now. It looks like a film set of the Canadian wilderness or something. Amazing. The trees all frosted white, the sky crystal clear blue, the lake frozen over. I LOVE winters like this. Probably because I don't mind any weather but walking the dog in the rain is a nightmare, and when it is really icy there is no mud to clean :-). In fact, he comes back sparkling and covered in icicles, lol. <br />
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Food wise? I B/Ped again last night, 'sigh'. However it wasn't major. I have been going to bed after purging and waking up REALLY starving. I guess I'm emptying my stomach before I sleep, then realise it when I wake. So today I ate really well, like a lot, I mean. But it wasn't drama-provoking. I made an amazing meal of peppered beef steaks, Mexican fried rice with veggies and a salad. It was yummy. Pretty much healthy too. I don't use oil to cook and I gave all the garlic butter to my OH.<br />
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I find it eternally ironic that I will leave butter off my steak and then quite happily proceed to eat a giant bar of chocolate and a packet of biscuits in the evening, without a thought for the fat. I sometimes think that because you don't physically PUT the fat and the salt and the sugar in junk food, it's like the connection isn't there. I mean, like the difference between cash and credit card. One feels tangible, real. One, on the other hand, is false, gives you a sense of security. If I bake or cook I do so consciously and make it healthy if I possibly can. Yet food that I buy? I glance at the calories...rarely any other information. I sometimes wonder if all the good I do to by body is negated by all that shitty food. I guess trying my best to eat well and exercise and stay at a good weight is the best I can do. I'm doing pretty well right now. I hope it lasts.<br />
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Well, I have started writing a lot again. I have written about 6,000 words this week so my millionth attempt at a novel is emerging. Slightly. It'll probably wither and die with all the rest. But even if that happens, it's good practice. And it helps. Bigtime. Hours fly by and i feel satisfied. Bought a new piano book too and so I've been hashing my way through that this evening.<br />
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My life is so dull, hey?!<br />
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Ciao for now guys xxxxLady Lazarushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03565395320448506647noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4482114647099723662.post-15089496553780518632010-12-06T10:13:00.000-08:002010-12-06T10:13:49.026-08:00LONG TIME NO SPEAKAh, I'm ok.<br />
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What is it about life that means you don't want to communicate it when you're really having the hardest time? Isn't that the best time to express oneself? Hah, well, I'm trying. Sorry for going AWOL, I'm sure my readers were soooo disappointed (as if!). <br />
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I've completely buggered my left knee and right hip at the moment. I know my condition won't ever disappear but it's getting gradually worse, harder to walk, harder to get through the day because of the pain. Well it's just downright frustrating! My favourite thing to do is walk, walk, walk. I ADORE walking. I can switch off from the world, listen to Radio 4 (my best friend) and take my dog with me for companionship. When I'm walking the dog at the lake with the beautiful winter scenery I feel like I need nothing else in the world, that I'm complete, whole, content. It's a wonderful feeling. Lately I have been walking WAY too much and I'm paying for it. It's so good for my soul, total soul food, yet SO bad for my poor joints. Oh the irony.<br />
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Been up down up down between restricting, bingeing and trying to eat like a normal person. Actually it's not been too terrible. I reckon I've gained a couple of pounds and yes, it's stressing me out, but it's no the end of the world considering how much I've been bingeing and purging. This week I've spent way too much time with my head over the toilet bowl, coughing and choking on my own vomit. God I hate it, tears and snot all over my face, a stinking mess to clear up, trying to forget what I just did and ignore the panic if I can't get rid of the food. Why is that?! Sometimes so easy, sometimes impossible. I don't want to talk too much about this in case it's triggering. However, I will happily communicate how utterly miserable and depressing it is. The negatives outweigh the positives by a massive proportion. It's not ever worth going down that road. It only leads to more problems, anxiety , hell.<br />
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Pretty shit weekend, loads of arguments with my partner. We're ok today, much better, you know, like the calm after the storm. Both walking on eggshells trying not to piss each other off. It's not helping that I couldn't cook dinner because I can't stand up that long, so he's had to go out for food. So far though we're both in happy mode. Thank god.<br />
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Also found out that my partner hears me purging. I had no idea. He's NEVER mentioned it, not in two years. The other day I made a comment that I ate too many biscuits, and he goes 'oh is that why you threw up then?'. I was pretty stunned and when I asked him he told me he hears me a lot. He just didn't tell me because he didn't want to put more pressure on me. How cute. I guess I'm relieved because he's giving me the space to work it out. Everyone knows nagging doesn't work, and he's on my back enough with the alcohol and the Antabuse. <br />
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My dog is currently trying to nudge my hands off the keyboard with his head, and dropping his ball in front of me in the hope I will play...I'd better go but maybe more later.<br />
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Thanks for caring - recommend me to all your blogger friends :-), let's make a big support network out there xxxLady Lazarushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03565395320448506647noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4482114647099723662.post-17715638609765342092010-11-30T14:44:00.000-08:002010-11-30T14:44:20.577-08:00GIVE THANKS FOR A GOOD DAY!Well yippeeeee... I have had a great day. I really have. Nothing special, just felt calm and in control of my thoughts and emotions.<br />
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Got up first thing for an appointment with my psychiatrist - it went well actually. I have only seen this particular one twice before; I got assigned him in the hospital after struggling for four years to get on with a woman who clashed totally with me personality-wise - she didn't have any interest in helping me, she seemed to think my goal was to antagonise her and she did the same to me. Needless to say this new relationship is actually THERAPEUTIC! He's a really funny, guy, must be in his mid-sixties and very intelligent, very switched on. He actually bothered to ask my opinion on how I was doing, and gave me some interesting information on BPD. Apparently it is not viewed as a 'personality disorder' in the same way as the others. He said it is a disease and can come on at any age. He said that there is a 60% recovery rate within 5 years. Which is the first time I've heard something like this from a pysch. He was basically saying it isn't my fault, it is obviously a biological-chemical-physical disorder but it is possible to learn to manage it and live a fulfilled life. <br />
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So that was insightful and helpful. Then I went for a quick walk and got the bus home, only to run out of the door with G (doggie) into the snow. We were out for 2 hours, surprisingly neither of us was cold, thank God. I love the cold weather so I'm constantly out in it. Not when it's chucking it down but when it's crisp and windy and the sun is shining, I love it! All the Welsh hills and mountains are white and it's a beautiful sight. The snow around our area is still pretty deep and there is more on the way. I'm just glad we don't live up North. My thoughts are with you guys who do :-(.<br />
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Went to the supermarket this evening and bought myself some snack foods. I guess sometimes they would be binge foods but tonight I have been SO SO good, I had one portion of flapjack instead of the whole tray. I also made a super healthy dinner to fill myself up before I had any snacks, so that even if I did binge it wouldn't be so terrible.<br />
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All in all, a very happy day. I think I need sleep now; my eyes are closing as I type!<br />
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Good night all xLady Lazarushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03565395320448506647noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4482114647099723662.post-1902526077670673882010-11-29T05:10:00.000-08:002010-11-29T05:10:54.978-08:00I CAVEDDear dear dear.<br />
<br />
Not doing so great right now with getting through the evenings. I had a MAJOR bingeing session last night. Like MAMMOTH. I'm feeling the effects today, bigtime. I couldn't even get up to walk the dog. Sugar fog. Totally.<br />
<br />
So I'm TRYING to give my body a break from sugar. Basically I am a sugar freak; I probably get most of my calories from sugar. So I'm trying trying trying my best today. I haven't caved as of now. I am taking it by the hour. If I give up then at least I made it part way. I'm in NO WAY hungry, in fact I'm super stuffed from last night, but I still want my sugar fix. Yummy. I have to tell myself it's for my own good, it triggers me bigtime, plus my teeth are falling out and really damaged. Sugar is the culprit. And vomiting, obviously. Why not kill two birds with one stone? I have been cooking beautiful meals and they are really healthy, so this evening I have a gorgeous stew to look forward to. Let's hope I make it there.<br />
<br />
I'll write more later. I feel drained. <br />
<br />
Peace xLady Lazarushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03565395320448506647noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4482114647099723662.post-66180420015343540722010-11-28T12:49:00.000-08:002010-11-28T12:49:44.280-08:00PARENTAL CONTROL OF FOODAnyone else's family have something to do with their weight?<br />
<br />
I know that mine did. <br />
<br />
When I was about 10 I put on a little puppy fat. I have notes I wrote to myself at that time with diet plans I'd devised, encouraged by my parents. I was encouraged to feel like it was not acceptable to be overweight, and that I should have the willpower to resist food, that I should learn to control what I ate. My mother's eating habits are very controlled. She has eaten the same breakfast and lunch pretty much EVERY day since I was a child (I am 26), and the dinner would always be on a rotation, 7 different meals for the 7 days of the week...even when I go home for holidays it's the same as when I was 5 years old...still salad on a monday...<br />
<br />
At the same time I had a father who cooked and cooked and stuffed us (my sister and I) full of food. He was big into massive portions, so much so that even with four of us (two of them children) for dinner he normally cooked 1kg spaghetti and 600g mince. Imagine! Obviously we always felt guilty for leaving food, whilst simultaneously feeling guilty for overeating. I remember constantly scorning myself for my lack of self control. To be thin was something I would do if I could only improve my strengh of character, change my personality. I was weak. I couldn't resist. <br />
<br />
Typical breakfast with my Dad was 2 slices of buttered toast, can of spaghetti with melted cheese, fried egg on top (aged 10)! I distinctly remember eating bags and bags of crisps and sweets in one day as a child, often stuffing myself. We were spoilt with many trips to McDonalds, a lot of takeaways...always a treat, always a comfort, always something when Mummy was 'tired' and wanted something easy to shut us up. <br />
<br />
Otherwise, my mother was very rigid and strict with us. We couldn't have sugary cereal with Mummy, with Daddy it was huge bowls of Frosties or Coco Pops. Dad would buy us bumper bags of sweets while Mum would moan about our weight. My sister was chubby too and I know we both have the same issues now. Funny hey? <br />
<br />
I remember my Mum and Dad always arguing in front of us over food. How much we should be getting, what not to eat, my Dad insisting we were kids and should be indulged, my Mum getting us to eat grapefruit and Allbran for breakfast. Mum was pretty tight on portion control...Dad went overboard at every meal...3 burgers, a whole can of baked beans, cheese, a whole plate of chips. All for one ten year old. You can see the problem? He was a big fan of pie with icecream with cream poured on top so that it hardened and cracked. I guess what kid could resist such a party? My Dad would get so offended and get a hurt look on his face if we rejected his food. As teenagers we obviously became more and more health conscious, asking for semi-skim milk, buying healthier snacks, using less oil and butter....we started refusing the food my Dad would cook. For me this was very hard. Partly because I didn't want to upset him, partly because it tasted so good and made me feel good. I guess that's why I started skipping meals in the day and throwing up...so that I could eat his food and make him happy. <br />
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Hurtful comments that you are 'fat' and 'chubby' and 'heavy' and 'pig-like' from your relatives are not great. But I think what really stuck with me was the two conflicting ideals that came from my parents...which way was I to go? Who was I supposed to please? Why did I have to choose?<br />
<br />
Well, here we are, many years later and I still fight the battle between restriction and over-indulgence day after day. Will I ever be free?<br />
<br />
Anyone else have experiences to share on this? Interesting stuff.Lady Lazarushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03565395320448506647noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4482114647099723662.post-68015097116076399612010-11-28T11:09:00.000-08:002010-11-28T11:09:32.138-08:00STAYING IN CONTROLAh, today. More ups and downs. What's new? <br />
<br />
Well lots of arguments in the house, followed by apologies. I won't go into detail - just domestics as usual. I guess this is why people don't generally last living together. Sometimes I just think we are SO impossibly different that how could it ever be harmonious? It always ends in spite.<br />
<br />
In other news, picked up a great book yesterday and had the time to swallow it whole. I finished it earlier and it was fabulous, best I've read in a while. If you're interested, it was One Day by David Nicholls. Walked the dog in the snow and fell on my arse many times; it is SO mega icy here it's lethal. I am worried about having to take him alone this week, especially as there is more freezing weather, strong arctic winds and more snow. Great. Makes for fun walking weather. <br />
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Pretty good day food wise so far. But then it always is until night. Then it goes rapidly downhill. Currently I am battling the 'full' feeling from having had dinner, an ice lolly and some chewy sweets. I struggle so much not to binge when I feel uncomfortably full. Even though I haven't binged or even overeaten. I just love being hungry and HATE being full. Must work on this!<br />
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So this evening, major avoidance of bingeing. Maybe I'll start another book.<br />
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I might post again later.<br />
<br />
Oh and A BIG THANKS to all the commenters on my last post - I will respond asap xLady Lazarushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03565395320448506647noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4482114647099723662.post-25386746701380844042010-11-27T09:03:00.000-08:002010-11-27T09:03:23.534-08:00THE UPS AND DOWNS OF ITWell today has been pretty good, considering.<br />
<br />
Last night I binged. SO BADLY. The biggest binge I've had in months, and I purged a lot. In fact, I kept eating so much that I was sick without my own assistance, TMI sorry! So I ended up going to bed clutching my tummy with a bowl by the bed. Luckily I didn't need to use it.<br />
<br />
So what happened? I don't know. I was in a miserable mood because inside of going down to the clinic to take my Antabuse, I bummed around the house for the whole afternoon/evening, and pretty much all of the time thinking in the back of my mind that bingeing would help SO much. Of course it brought the comfort that I was craving for all of five minutes, before I felt really ill and like absolute shit. Obviously last night I didn't manage to pull myself out of the chaos. Felt like it went on forever and I was exhausted and so emotional afterwards. <br />
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Imagine me, there I am on the bathroom floor, hunched over the toilet, tears streaming from my eyes and snot from my nose from the force of vomiting. Not washed in days, my hair pulled back out of my face, my sleeves pulled up. In the mirror I look a mess. My face is white, swollen puffy red eyes, raw throat, sore knuckles. Plus that utterly consuming craving to do it all again.<br />
<br />
What's the deal with that? You binge, purge, feel so awful even in that moment that you swear you'll NEVER do it again. Five minutes later your hungry, hollow again and the stuffing recommences. How messed up is that?<br />
<br />
<br />
So that was last night. Obviously I woke up feeling bad. Like really bad. Sick, headache, can't face the light and the noise, aching all over...basically like a bad hangover. A sugar hangover. The worst.<br />
<br />
I felt better gradually, hauled myself out of bed, cleaned, played piano, walked the dog. Ah, a good day, the calm after the storm. Went to the supermarket and got lots of fresh produce. Tonight I am cooking pan-fried rainbow trout, stirfried veggies with egg noodles, sweet chilli sauce and a side salad. Get my veggies in, hey?! Yum. Can't wait.<br />
<br />
Hopefully I will cope a little better tonight. I haven't eaten today (yeh, I know), a couple of hard candies...so I'm crossing my fingers that dinner won't trigger a binge. Last night that's definitely what set me off. I was arguing with myself for HOURS about whether to eat dinner, and what to eat. I wasn't at all hungry but had hardly eaten, so thought I should. I had a curry, not a massive portion, but I think I would have been better off with fruit and cereal, something that wouldn't fill me up so much. I felt so gross, so full, panicky...you got it. Binge time.<br />
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So tonight, a yummy but really healthy dinner and then chill out in front of the TV and read some blogs for support. I'm ok, I'm doing ok. I can get through this.<br />
<br />
In other news, it snowed last night so today was gorgeous, picture postcard British winter. I forgot my camera on the walk which was such a shame because the sunset was amazing. I'll remember it tomorrow and try to post some pictures.<br />
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I seem to have figured out the right combination of laxatives to take to get things moving in a good direction... yuck I know but I can't stand that bloated, over-full feeling that I've had for weeks now. It's very triggering to have a stomach like a football.<br />
<br />
Thankfully things at home are ok. Still arguing, but who doesn't? Apart from that I love that secure feeling I get knowing that I have a home to go to. It still surprises me sometimes. I have had so many years of being tossed around, feeling unwanted. Finally I am somewhere safe from the people who chose to defile my body and invalidate me in every way as a human being. I'm sure you guys know where I'm coming from. I understand the staying overweight/underweight to avoid looking attractive/sexy to men. It's a scary prospect. I hate that I trigger that response in males. It makes me vulnerable and scared, a rabbit in the headlights, loss of control, anxious, fearful... thank God I don't have to go there at the moment. The man I'm with is the first to respect my body and my sexual boundaries, and we have a pretty much platonic relationship in many ways. We rarely take each other to bed, and he totally respects the fear that it provokes in me. At the same time it is his choice too. He is older and not at all pushy and opportunistic in bed like most people I've been with. I guess he's taught me that it's ok to say no, it's ok to respect yourself enough NOT to let it happen. To have the power to walk away. <br />
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Thank you to all of you who continue to support me. It really does help. You guys rock :-). Feel free to share my blog around, let's build a big community support network and get ourselves out there rockin' the world.<br />
<br />
Keep smiling. Until next time xLady Lazarushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03565395320448506647noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4482114647099723662.post-9419812265205456042010-11-26T07:36:00.001-08:002010-11-26T07:36:20.174-08:00WIPED OUT BUT HAPPYI feel utterly drained today.<br />
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In other news, it's snowing! Heavily. I took G out this morning for a long walk in the bright sunshine and just as we collapsed through the front door it started sleeting. That was about four hours ago and it is now white outside. <br />
<br />
I love the snow in principle, but not having a car and having an energetic dog makes it a nightmare. I have to constantly be getting sopping wet and changing my clothes, and worse is that G HATES getting wet, so he spends his walks whining and looking miserable. Yet if I don't walk him he's crazy mad energy wise in the house and he knows how to wind me up. <br />
<br />
We don't have access to the back of the house from the side so when I bring a soaked, dirty, muddy dog in it's to our tiny hallway and kitchen, which has brown walls from his love of drying himself on them! I feel like all I do is sweep up and mop up after him! Little bugger. Of course it's worth it though.<br />
<br />
The forecast for tomorrow looks ok, so hopefully my OH will come on a long walk with me. We got a camper van last April and he's a bit nervous with the icy weather coming about driving it. It's got a massive engine and is heavy and because we had 4 wheel drive on the last vehicle he's anxious. I'm sure it'll be fine. Just have to drive a bit more carefully. Last year we had to rev the car on four wheel drive and literally drag it up the hill out of our road, and a load of people with smaller cars were snowed in. I live in Wales so it can get pretty snowy here. Originally I'm from down South where it hardly snows, and when it does it's melted the same day.<br />
<br />
So today has been pretty lazy. I've done some weights, but not a good enough amount. I slept after I walked the dog, which I don't normally do. I am worried I have an infection somewhere because I'm just so tired all the time, and because my white blood cell count was low. Hopefully it'll either show itself or I'll start to feel better.<br />
<br />
Have upped the laxatives and toilet troubles are not QUITE as bad, although I still have a football for a belly. I look about three months pregnant! My weight is stable, but I'm having a hard time balancing eating right and not bingeing. Like last night, I ate a whole bar of white chocolate and didn't feel too terrible, but it set off the binge urges majorly. I ended up getting out of bed and going downstairs for bombay mix. Luckily I waited before I succumbed to it and I didn't have any in the end. Thank god for resisting temptation. I'm seriously thinking about bingeing tonight. Argh. I guess it's because I'm tired and cold and my body hurts. I just want to comfort myself. Ah, pity party....need a kick up the backside!<br />
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Christmas is coming! I'm doing well with my shopping, I already have quite a few family members covered. Hopefully I will get it done before the MAD rush starts. It's already murder in the supermarket at the weekend and as usual they've shifted all the aisles to make way for Christmas and noone can find their regular food. It's chaos! Grr. And I HATE food shopping, I get so mad like I've got road rage and start muttering things about people and growling. I am not fun to be with! Usually I send OH off to look at DVDs and I shop on my own. Then there's less arguments and WW3 is averted.<br />
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Well, enough for now, I'm checking out as OH will be home soon and I'm off to make some tea.<br />
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Love xLady Lazarushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03565395320448506647noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4482114647099723662.post-60684047560697525202010-11-25T14:39:00.000-08:002010-11-25T14:39:55.775-08:00IT'S BEEN A WHILESorry for the lack of updates. I feel like I have been mega busy and exhausted in the evenings, so no time to update. In reality I'm probably just avoiding focusing on myself. It's easier that way.<br />
<br />
So things are pretty ok. I've been really busy going to appointments and walking the dog. It sounds like it doesn't take up much time but because I don't drive a 15 minute appointment often takes me 3 hours to do, and walking the dog is anything between 1 1/2 - 3 hours, because I have to walk him to and from the reservoir as well. So I'm very active right now. Which is cool because we've been having the most wonderful weather. Brisk winds, blue skies, hot sun. Perfect. Frosty and cold in the shade yet blissfully warm in the sun. It makes me want to spend all my days walking outside. The dog loves it too. He can run forever without getting too hot or too cold/wet/miserable.<br />
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Weight wise - doing pretty well. Got weighed at the doctor's today and I was exactly the same as two weeks ago. Obviously mixed feelings. But I have been eating much better and trying hard not to lose weight. I know how quickly things get out of control and right now I feel much calmer and less worried about the whole ED thing. Not perfect, but a BIG improvement.<br />
<br />
Things are much better at home too - I'm not so depressed so I'm in a better place to have company, although I haven't played live for a while and I keep avoiding it. I think it's just because when I haven't sat down all day and my joints are killing me, I just want to cuddle up and watch TV, not drag my keyboards out in the freezing cold and get home in the early hours exhausted and feeling like shit. Sometimes I think I should get a part-time day job and take the pressure off gig wise. I have periods where I enjoy it, but my physical health is making it hard.<br />
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Found out today that my white blood cell count is low - slightly concerning as there is no apparent reason for it. I have been very tired lately. Hopefully it'll go back to normal, it's not as though I've been treating my body that well lately.<br />
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I'm meeting up with a guy I met in hospital tomorrow who's an awesome guitarist. Hopefully we can jam together and write some cool stuff. New talent, new inspiration and all that.<br />
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Will make an attempt to post tomorrow...<br />
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Hello to my new followers :-) and yes, I have been SO rubbish with commenting lately but I have been reading. I am listening guys, and I do care.<br />
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Thanks for reading xLady Lazarushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03565395320448506647noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4482114647099723662.post-70440107469272914032010-11-18T12:59:00.000-08:002010-11-18T12:59:49.057-08:00COPINGWell today hasn't been so bad. I have been suffering from the most anxiety and negative thoughts than I have since I came out of hospital. I just feel very low and like I need to stay in control.<br />
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My way of achieving this today has been to exist on hard candy and an Ensure. Not the best diet but I feel like if I eat then it'll lead to a binge, and the less 'food' I put in my mouth the easier it is to stay on track. I guess I'm still getting nourishment and energy from the Ensure, and considering what I ate yesterday I could do with giving my body a break. But it's still a bit messed up. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I have a therapist appointment at 10. Usually seeing S makes me feel much calmer and happier. At the moment it feels like an uphill struggle and I am feeling so bloated despite all the laxatives. Not the best day. I just hope I can get to sleep soon and then I won't have to think about food or my body any more. It's pretty exhausting.Lady Lazarushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03565395320448506647noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4482114647099723662.post-89671718406550197702010-11-18T06:19:00.000-08:002010-11-18T06:19:55.845-08:00COMMENTINGI want to reply to some comments because I'm guessing you guys are fed up of commenting and thinking I don't read them/read your blogs...I do, I'm just struggling to find words.<br />
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Balance is a hard thing to obtain in any aspect of life. I just worry cause your walking a thin line now. Just keep us posted xoxox<br />
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Ms. Chunky Chick - you're right, I guess now I'm punishing myself today for b/ping the last two days, and the scales are reflecting it. I'm retaining water, I took laxatives and so far am still bloated and full, so I guess I feel more depressed this way. All I keep thinking is that at this weight I am safe but if I lose I will be ill yet if I gain I will go mentally downhill. It's a tightrope.<br />
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I wish you all the best and strength to overcome your restrictive eating. Be kind to your body, it is the only one you'll ever get. (hugs)<br />
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In the Pink - Every day I remind myself why I need to stay strong - because I don't want to die, because I have so much to life for and I am so thankful to have a place on this Earth. It's precious and sometimes I just want to let all of this go and embrace what I could have. I think I am slowly getting there. Hopefully things will continue to improve in my lifestyle and it will motivate me to take better care of me. <br />
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You pretend you want to take the meds. You pretend you love yourself. In time, those things you were pretending become real and true. But you have to push yourself to step into territory that is scary and uncomfortable. If you chose to stay where you are, there are people who will try to help you and care for you. How much better would life be if YOU were the one driving yourself to improve and change?<br />
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amandakiska - thank you. I know you're right. My mum suffered from severe post-natal depression and one thing she told me was that she just had to get on with it, pretend that she was happy, pretend that she was ok, and then one day she woke up and she actually WAS ok, no pretence. Your words are very real to me.<br />
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Yes, it's shit isn't it? I don't think people realise unless they have been through it in the UK, but there is just nothing available, or you're on a waiting list for a couple of years. <br />
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Pixie - my therapist described living in Wales as being like living in a Third World country when it comes to mental healthcare. I wish it was different. I guess the only thing that it has taught me is that I have to take care of myself and take responsibility for myself, because ultimately I will be the only one who gives a shit about me. It's a sad fact but it definitely promotes self-preservation. It would be so nice to have the support I feel I need though. It can be a dark, lonely place struggling alone. My heart goes out to you for having to struggle through this wasteland...perhaps one day things will change. I pray that it will be in my lifetime, or that I can do something to be part of that change and allow future generations to get the treatment they need.<br />
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I want you so badly to be able to get proper care for all you current problems and going inpatient would be the best way for that. It sucks that isn't an option available to you. I wish you all the best Lady Laz. And take babysteps with the eating so you do not become too anxious.<br />
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In the Pink - again, thank you for commenting. It helps to know you're reading and thinking of me. Babysteps, yes...so right. I cannot believe I b/ped and am now having to deal with it on top of everything else. I am trying to move on and take today as a fresh day...it's all I can do to try and break that cycle. I know where it heads and it isn't pretty.<br />
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Thank you all for continuing to read and to offer your support. I appreciate it so much xLady Lazarushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03565395320448506647noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4482114647099723662.post-920741370595257382010-11-18T01:48:00.001-08:002010-11-18T01:48:09.352-08:00ARGH!i binged two nights in a row.<br />
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nuff said.Lady Lazarushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03565395320448506647noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4482114647099723662.post-45892153201651572712010-11-16T08:58:00.000-08:002010-11-16T08:58:42.535-08:00HELP AND SUPPORTSo I saw my CPN H earlier. She's so adorable and I love her to bits, but it's hard seeing her when she knows as well as I do that even though I am sick and need specialist services, there is no chance of me getting that help. Where I live there is NOTHING, and out of area I can't get funded, I am still pushing and trying to get funding to go to a private residential centre....at the moment even getting into an ED treatment program would be a start, but around here it just doesn't exist. People like me are left to get so sick they need hospitalisation on a medical ward being tube fed, only to be dumped back on the mental health team with no follow-up support. Hence why the distress of the weight gain leads to starving, self harm, purging....all sorts of negative behaviours that would be dealt with properly as an inpatient in an actual therapeutic clinic setting. It's very frustrating and I understand that ultimately I am the only person who will look out for me and I simply have to try harder. I'm going to try and eat more...that's about as much as I can do right now.Lady Lazarushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03565395320448506647noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4482114647099723662.post-67008168179763322392010-11-16T05:44:00.001-08:002010-11-16T05:44:25.641-08:00EXHAUSTIONI am not sure whether this has anything to do with my eating or if I have a cold, but yesterday I slept from 4.30pm until 9am this morning. I just got back from dragging myself around the park with the dog and I'm shaking. I didn't do well at all food wise yesterday, I had some Ensure intake but the only solid food I had was a banana. About the same so far today, a bit of fruit and Ensure. I'm going to have a proper dinner tonight.<br />
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I think the reason that my restriction is so severe is that I have seen no movement down on the scale. It's ridiculous because I know much of it is water retention and very much biological, and I don't NEED to lose more weight, in fact maintenance should be my goal. I guess I'm scared to be maintaining at the amount of food I'm taking in, because what happens when I eat more? I'm stuck.Lady Lazarushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03565395320448506647noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4482114647099723662.post-29452706322836854402010-11-14T11:10:00.000-08:002010-11-14T11:10:56.895-08:00LABELSMy periods have stopped again. When I was anorexic at 18 they stopped for 2 years, even after significant weight gain it took a long time for them to come back. Part of me couldn't care less, I mean what woman actually wants her period?! Another side of me has to acknowledge that this means trouble for my body. I know that it is not good news for my bones...or my fertility...<br />
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What to do? I managed to eat a decent portion of dinner. I guess because my stomach was so empty and I haven't eaten much today I don't feel too bad for eating. This battle is getting tough. I am honestly scared to gain weight. <br />
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I've been thinking a lot about labels...if I were to ask my CPN/therapist they would of course say I was anorexic. But I can't equate myself now with the anorexic girl that I used to be. I would say I am functioning to a high level and I am eating enough to sustain me. I guess I need to just keep my head above water because a little more weight loss and I think I'd have to admit the problem to myself and accept the treatment. As it is, I can't seem to do that. I seem to be too comfortable in my bubble.Lady Lazarushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03565395320448506647noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4482114647099723662.post-39247719139096309712010-11-14T09:13:00.000-08:002010-11-14T09:13:28.007-08:00HUNGERWent into town today and bought a few things. I got a memory foam pillow because it was on offer, and I already have a mattress topper which is amazing and I can't sleep without pain anyway, so it really lessens the pain on bad nights. Bought some of my favourite licorice toffee, yummy. A new pair of jeans...I'm back in kids sizes, age 11-12. I don't really mind, I have never been big really, but I know I need to maintain my weight. I haven't done so well today; managed a bowl of Weetabix and a pear. I'll get there. I plan to have a proper dinner, pasta probably with meat. So I am trying I guess. Not hard enough, I know. But it's so scary to eat when I know that the scales will creep up because I have been starving myself. And it's hard to cope with the extreme water retention because the bloating makes me feel so fat and uncomfortable. I'm also suffering from bad reflux and nausea, so I am put off eating most of the time, in order to stop the symptoms. I wish it was a pleasurable experience but generally I feel crap for a couple of hours after I eat. Hence why I need to drink the calories. I haven't even managed one Ensure yet. It's a bit pathetic. Something has to change...I guess my thought process is going like this:<br />
<br />
Have to maintain low weight, so can't eat more... don't want to eat more and gain weight because I like being thin and I feel calm and in control... am very good at looking in the mirror and seeing myself as big...knowing there is more weight to lose...worrying about my health and wanting to eat...scared to eat because I know my weight will go up...want to eat because I'm tired and cold and dizzy...don't want to eat because it makes me feel poorly and uncomfortable.<br />
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I don't want this all to end in an admission and a tube feed. <br />
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Grah.<br />
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I guess I know it all, I know the solutions, I am just choosing not to look after myself. BAD BAD girl.<br />
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Enough for now xLady Lazarushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03565395320448506647noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4482114647099723662.post-75498184360408967952010-11-14T03:15:00.000-08:002010-11-14T03:15:47.416-08:00KEEPING AFLOATWell I am going to try and update much more frequently again. I find sometimes I shut down my emotions and just go onto autopilot in order to survive, and in times like these it's hard to blog about how I feel and what's going on. However, I feel a bit more like writing today so we'll see.<br />
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The past week has actually been more than surprisingly good. I have been put on a new tablet called Pregablin (Gabapentin for you US readers) which is being prescribed for anti-anxiety. I have to say so far it's been a bit of a miracle drug. I am not crippled by anxiety, and I think I have got more done in the last week than I have in years. I've played four gigs, cleaned and sorted the house, continued to walk George, done a lot of my Christmas shopping, practised keys, pretty much haven't sat down. I am also off sleeping tablets for the first time in over a year. This is a pretty major achievement as the only reason I haven't come off them sooner is anxiety and fear over what would happen, and now the irony is I am sleeping better and feeling more refreshed for it. <br />
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So overall, really a better week than I could have possibly hoped for. I just pray that it continues. I even went and bought myself a little netbook so that I can start writing again, and have spent a lot of time this week in coffee shops attempting this... I'm kind of out of practice but I will get back there. It's time for me to start trying a bit harder to get some words out of me. I find it incredibly cathartic. <br />
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My boyfriend bought me a gorgeous necklace for an early Christmas present which is engraved with my drug allergies and also the fact that I am on Antabuse, in case of emergency. I think the major driving force behind having it is that every time I touch it I remember why I am striving to get better. I am actually attending supervised breathaliser tests and taking my meds this way three times a week, which means a lot of bus journeys and time spent but it also means I feel safer and more stable than I have in so long. As long as I'm on Antabuse I'm safe. I can rationalise my feelings and control my impulses - a big deal for such a severe self-harmer. I have to wake up every single morning and tell myself that I can NEVER drink again. It's the only way. What's the point in kidding myself that I could? It always, without fail, ends in disaster. <br />
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So I have written a lot about the positives and I think really there is only one area of concern at the moment, and that is my eating/weight/food issues. I lost weight in hospital and I will try not to mention too many numbers but my BMI is currently 16 and I am almost a stone down from my 'normal' stable weight. My periods have stopped again and I feel pretty exhausted, never mind looking gaunt. I have managed to maintain my weight this week but I'm still not doing so great eating wise. I've been put on Ensures and I'm struggling between my strong desire NOT to drink them, and the will to keep myself well so my life doesn't deteriorate in another way. As long as I don't lose more weight I'll be ok. I just need to remind myself that I do need to eat and take in enough energy to sustain myself long term. So that's the battle right now. I'll keep you updated. The last thing I want is to end up tube-fed or go in for refeeding. I need to keep it under my control yet maintain the balance between my negative thoughts and my positive actions. It's a struggle, always. Especially because I like being at a lower weight, I feel safe here and I feel in control, even though realistically this is far from the truth. I'll keep plodding on and keep you posted.<br />
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For now, thank you for reading and I promise to start commenting again on your lovely blogs.<br />
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Much love to you all, and to my new followers, welcome xLady Lazarushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03565395320448506647noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4482114647099723662.post-67283872921078755332010-11-06T14:27:00.000-07:002010-11-06T14:27:27.334-07:00THANK YOU ALLJust wanted to say THANKS so much to all my followers and comment posters who care when they have no reason to other than connection and being human....so thank you.<br />
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And a big SORRY that I still have felt too unwell to post/read/comment. Argh.<br />
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I'll be back xLady Lazarushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03565395320448506647noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4482114647099723662.post-51638350069653636332010-11-04T14:19:00.000-07:002010-11-04T14:19:29.418-07:00GOSH. TAKE TWO.I THINK THIS POST WILL END UP DEPRESSING. IF YOU DON'T FEEL GREAT DON'T READ.<br />
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Well, the thing is, I screwed up. MAJORLY.<br />
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19th October - Day after my 26th birthday and I drink. Get hysterical and end up in the mental health centre, attempting to explain myself whilst bashing my hand up and crying wildly.<br />
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Obviously as it is in my care plan not to treat me drunk, they sent me home, having notified the police that I may well need taking into custody in the night for my own safety.<br />
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Come the next day - I get kicked out by my OH for being such a twat. Proceed to go drunk to my appointment, cut myself REALLY badly in the toilets of my addictions treatment unit, go by ambulance to hospital...lose 2 pints of blood, go into shock, get 50 staples in my right arm.<br />
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Not fun.<br />
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Plus I still thought my OH had left me, so I went through all this alone.<br />
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Ended up being practically sectioned for 2 weeks, i.e. I'm informal unless I attempt to leave the building, in which case I will be immediately detained and sectioned. <br />
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Sigh.<br />
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I got home this afternoon and all I've done is cry. My weight is crap, I'm unstable, I'm depressed, I'm a mess...but I have to cope. My OH saved me and took me back. I HAVE TO MAKE THIS WORK. I HAVE TO.<br />
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So from now on, whatever happens with my life/weight/relationship/whatever....I MUST NOT DRINK.<br />
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I'm back on the Antabuse and it HAS to stay that way.<br />
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I'm sorry to you all out there who worried - I can't summon the energy to read/comment at the moment so massive apologies there. I will do when my brain is functioning slightly better.<br />
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To you all, LOVE AND HUGS AND THANKS FOR LISTENING XXXLady Lazarushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03565395320448506647noreply@blogger.com3