REASONS WHY I'M THANKFUL TO BE ABSTINENT

1. I AM IN CONTROL OF MY ACTIONS - I cannot tell you how scary it is to wake up in the morning with amnesia and find out you have a broken hand, are black and blue and have a concussion from thrashing around and screaming like a murderous psycho for six hours in the psych room of A&E.

2. I HAVE A HOME AND A FAMILY - The threat of being kicked out is so REAL when I drink. My personality turns into a total evil psycho bitch and it has in the past led to BAD things...more of those stories another day. My OH WILL eventually leave. He has threatened too much for it not to be real. I have been on the phone to emergency social housing before, I have been left in the middle of nowhere 3 hours from home, I have been in an ambulance solo countless times.

3. I CAN CONTROL MY IMPULSES - I have not self-harmed sober in a year. The last time I did SH I nearly died. I cut through muscle and veins in my wrist and lost 3 pints of blood. I don't remember a thing except waking up in resus being told I needed a blood transfusion. More stitches, more family trauma, more threats of abandonment from my OH. I won't go on.

4. I DON'T WAKE UP FEELING LIKE DEATH - A blessing to get out of bed at a decent hour without puking, having the runs, shaking uncontrollably or having the worst headache in the history of the world. Also, I have a heart problem that is WAY exacerbated when I'm drunk/hungover to the point where it freaks me out bigtime.

5. NOT BEING TERRIFIED TO GO TO SLEEP AT NIGHT FOR FEAR OF DYING - Alcohol, Morphine, Benzos...every night an overdose, a litre of vodka....bad.

6. NOT COUNTING DOWN EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY UNTIL I CAN DRINK, OR LIE TO OH ABOUT HOW MUCH/WHEN. Probably the saddest thing is the deception. I was a devious little bugger and the word 'trust' is still a dodgy one in our house.

7. NOT BEING SO DESPERATE FOR DRINK THAT WHEN I DRANK VODKA STRAIGHT AND PUKED IT UP I DRANK THE PUKE TO GET THE ALCOHOL IN ME. What can I say? Most of the time I cried when I was drinking it because my insides were already burning and messed up totally from the incessant drinking. My liver would scream and my stomach would be on fire and yet I still drank on.


8. BEING ABLE TO LIVE - the joy of being spontaneous, having the energy and desire to have fun, to go for long walks, to read, to journal, to make music.

9. HAVING FRIENDS THAT I DON'T FREAK OUT/PUSH AWAY. Alcoholics are lonely, isolated people. Primarily because they lie and shout and do idiotic, impulsive things. I lost SO many friends who just couldn't deal with me anymore. They reached their limit. My OH was the ONLY person to truly remain my rock.

10. HAVING A FUTURE. Looking forward to the experiences of life I have waiting for me, instead of living in a drugged fog where everything I did was aimed at getting the next fix. For once I have a chance of being able to look further forward than a few weeks, with a realistic chance of being alive and sober.


Just thought I'd share....any other experiences from you bloggers you'd like to add?

Addiction Sucks. Recovery Rocks.

Peace x

UP/DOWN....AND AGAIN

Well what can I say? As usual things are going well but I don't feel good inside. What do I mean by that? I'll try to explain. Basically everything is, I guess, as it should be. My weight is stable enough and I'm not bingeing. I played a great gig tonight and got lots of compliments, including being asked out on a dinner date (not sure my OH was too impressed!). I've been able to walk the dog without collapsing in pain, and I've been taking my Antabuse regularly.

Yet...I STILL feel down, hollow, numb, empty.

Will I ever get to a stage where the good days outweigh the bad? Sometimes I really just want to black out the room, lie on the floor and pretend I don't exist. At least that way I can shut out the world. Unfortunately I can't shut myself off from my thoughts, and since I'm doing such a 'great' job at not using negative behaviours, I find myself stuck with a head full of crap that I don't want to deal with.

Take last night. Now, as an aside, I very very rarely cry. I'm not a girly girl, I'm not slushy, and I can't even remember the last time I cried sober. But I was watching a stupid documentary on school leavers' proms, and for some reason I was in floods of tears. It took me hours to calm down. I just felt like a scared little child again, and all of the pain and fear and shame of my childhood and how desperately unhappy I was hit me full in the face. It's not really something I've ever looked at or tried to deal with. I guess I have always tried not to look backwards, because it is painful and usually not productive. But suddenly I found myself SOBBING for the childhood I never had, mourning my loss and feeling like I've lost so much of my life that I'll never claw back.

I guess the saddest fact is that I'm 25 years old and I still feel like a vulnerable, scared child that cannot cope alone, and needs someone to support me otherwise I will crumble and fall. I know that I am STILL holding myself back from living the life I want to live, in terms of my career, my friends, my relationship...pretty much everything. All because of fear. I'm afraid to be alone, I'm afraid I couldn't cope, that I'd end up back in hospital. And the sad thing is I probably would, given my track record.

Gosh that all sounds pretty depressing. I guess relatively I DO feel good, and things ARE going well. I mean, last year I was pretty much in and out of the hospital (medically) from doing so much shit to my body...overdoses, alcoholism, skin grafts, drug abuse, severe self harm to the point of cutting through muscles, veins, nerves....I know that my poor body wears the scars of all the years of abuse. And there is much progress being made. It's just hard to stay positive when sometimes I just want to get off the rollercoaster and take a break from my emotions.

Well, I should probably try to focus on the positives, including the fact that tonight was wicked, and I sang harmonies as well as playing. I feel like my musical life is progressing well, but there are SO many things I want to do with my life and I am still holding myself back. I will post more about my desires soon....I just don't feel very coherent after a night of blasting my ears out with live music. It was kinda fun though, hey?!

I wanted to take the opportunity too to say THANK YOU to everyone that has commented. It means so much to know that I am not alone. I will be responding, I promise, I'm just mega tired and in need of my bed!

Much love x

NOT A BAD DAY

Well I have gone back to isolating really badly lately. I haven't seen my therapist for over a month, or my CPN for that matter. Normally I see them both weekly. I haven't gone out alone except for to walk the dog in weeks. It's got bad. And now it's at the point where I'm shit scared to get on the bus to go to my appointment on Wednesday. I was doing SO well, forcing myself out the door as much as possible so I didn't slide back to this. I just have to kick myself back into action and get out there. Otherwise I will be on a slippery slope back to agoraphobia and major anxiety. Not fun.

Food wise, OK I guess. I'm having one of those days where no matter what I eat, I feel hungry. Like I could eat and eat and never get full. Maybe it's because I'm churned up inside and feeling pretty low. But it's a crappy feeling because I cannot afford to gain weight. I have been stuck, inexplicably, at 6st 6lb for the past few days. I think it's because I've been pretty constipated from all the pain medication. I've upped my Buprenorphine patches to 15mg/hr which is a pretty big dose, and it messes with my insides. I've also been feeling more spaced out and drowsy which isn't so good when I'm having issues with motivating myself. It's a great excuse to curl up in bed and watch TV.

I keep telling myself that I WILL get to the gym. I mean it when I say it, but it's just the anxiety that's stopping me right now! Pathetic, I know. I think if I had a gym buddy that called for me or whatever then I'd be able to go. It's intimidating going alone. I'm fine once I get there. In fact the exercise makes me feel GREAT and it also helps me deal with my anxiety and my weight issues. I love being toned, and at the moment despite being quite small I am not very toned at all, compared to how I was in the Spring. I was doing great at getting to the gym and feeling good for it. It's a better outlet than drinking or cutting, or bingeing...the worst!

So it's been a couple of weeks since my last major binge now. Good, hey? I'm scared that I will go overboard tonight and not be able to stop. I have had today:

pasta with veggie tomato sauce
2 Weetabix
small apple
few sweets
cherry bakewell
white chocolate cookie

So not amazing but not much. The amount of pasta I ate was kinda pathetic. I am STARVING goddamnit but I don't want to trigger a binge. Maybe I'll have a bowl of hot Weetabix. That usually works.

My CPN called today and fixed up an appointment for Wednesday. I don't want to go. I feel like sometimes it's a waste of time with her. It takes me so much effort and I'm so anxious getting there and back, and sometimes I only see her for a few minutes. I guess because it's in town it gives me an excuse to shop and get to the massive Central Library. I love it there.

Was trying to get it across to my OH today that inevitably I am going to want to have a baby in the next few years. I have been trying to kid myself that I'd be OK not having children but deep down I could never imagine myself not becoming a mother. Children bring me so much joy. And yes, I have issues, but I'm working on them and doesn't everyone, to a certain extent? I've been stable for a good while. I'm probably happier and more secure than I can ever remember being. But I can't see much of a future with him in it, to be honest, if he is hell bent on not wanting a child. The dilemma is do I stay and enjoy it while it lasts, or take the chance on being single and finding 'the one'? I guess the biggest problem I have is that this has become my stability and my anchor. It's scary to think about change. And I do love him very much. I function well when we're together. He keeps my feet on the ground and looks after my best interests, which sometimes I am unable to do. The scary part is thinking that all the time we're together, I am not finding a life partner, and eventually time will run out and I'll not have the opportunity to create the family that I desire.

Scary thoughts, hey?

The desire to drink has been slightly less in the past few days. I have been taking my Antabuse, and as usual that provokes a mixture of being grateful for the safety it gives me, but also feeling angry that my escape route is cut off. I fight against it so much, but every time I relapse there is the potential for me to kill myself. It has become too much of a reality, and each time gets worse and more out of control.

Anyway, enough ramblings. Hopefully I will meet some like-minded people through this blog...Lord knows I could do with the friendship.

For now x

More memories...

I wanted to post a little of what my life was like a year ago. I think a snapshot of my progress may go a little way to understanding where I am at on my journey.

Last August I entered a detox facility for drug and alcohol abuse. I was, by that point, drinking a litre of vodka a day. Now, bearing in mind I was also abusing benzos, I was in a bad way. I had a stomach ulcer, my liver hurt ALL the time, I was a terrible ashen shade of grey. In the months preceding this inpatient treatment I had pretty much sunk into the depths of depravity. I had been hospitalised numerous times because of my drinking and because of the terrible damage I inflicted on myself whilst intoxicated.

By damage, I mean the awful physical trauma I inflicted on myself. I have deliberately self harmed for many years, but last year it was so out of control that I was having the police and ambulance out regularly. I have cut through veins, muscle, had a skin graft for third degree burns, broken my hand, given myself concussion...to name but a few instances.

I shall of course go into the reasons WHY at some point. Now is not the time.

I guess I knew, deep down, that I needed help. And yet I couldn't take responsibility for myself and turn things around. Ultimately it was the threat of losing my beloved partner and dog for the sake of my next drink that saw me finally giving in and getting clean.

Since stopping drinking I have had a few, rare lapses. I have not self harmed once sober since last summer. Yet, the last incidence of drinking almost killed me. I have nearly died on several occasions, but this was a CLOSE call. I had been sober for months, then had two days of major drinking on top of a cocktail of sedatives. Ultimately my OH was out and I cut very badly, through the muscle in my wrist. I must have passed out because the next thing I remember was waking in resus, having lost three pints of blood and nearly dying. Needless to say I was in hospital for a week, too weak to stand. I survived. My relationship almost didn't. But we are, miraculously, still together. He is my rock. He has been my inspiration and motivation to change. Hence the reason for this blog...

In the past year the trend has been leaning towards positive, affirming behaviours. I have been making small steps towards a healthy future. Yes, I'm still bulimic. But I am a RECOVERING alcoholic, and a RECOVERING self harmer. I am in full control of my actions and accept the responsibilty and consequences that come from making bad choices.

When I left rehab, I felt like a newborn baby. I had to relearn how to FEEL. How to cry, how to be sad, how to express myself through language and emotion. I had covered up my true self for so long that for months all I felt was an intense, deep feeling of sadness in the pit of me, almost as though someone was physically wrenching my heart apart. Finally, that awful distressing fog has lifted and I can say that I feel free from the despair that has been my life for so long.

I guess then my aim now is abstinence. From alcohol, from self-destruction, from thinking that I am not worth it. Because I know that, through this journey, I have learnt to embrace myself and respect who I am, regardless of how I am perceived in the world. This self acceptance has been the key to freeing my soul, yet it has been immensely difficult. I just continue, daily, to put one foot in front of the other and focus on the ever brighter light at the end of the tunnel.

My goal for the immediate future is to keep control over my eating and my weight so that I abstain from abusing food to cover my emotions. This is ultimately my last demon, and yet at the same time it is my biggest, the most deeply ingrained, almost to the point that I would feel, still, lost without it as my security blanket. This is what I need to work on. Letting go of that control that I fade, so that when I eat I can do so guilt free. I know it is self-hate, shame and guilt that drive the binges. Thus I must continue to respect and accept my body and soul.

Easier said than done?! Let's keep trying, hey?