is the name that my OH and I use when I'm feeling anxious, or stressed, or a bit 'argh'. Like that feeling you get inside, you know? When you're all sad and tense and a bit confused. I get it a lot. But having the 'squinch' is not such a bad thing. Why? I hear you cry. Well. having a silly name for it, putting it into words, communicating it, makes it lessen. Like, it's a safe word. I can say it without having to say 'I feel like self-harming' or 'I want to die'. It helps both of us to get through those dark days. And most times, when we've talked and had a cuddle, the squinch dies away. So that's just my take on those days, you know, when you know how you feel, you just don't know how to tell someone.
Good day? Mostly. My knee is now even more extremely buggered. I walked the dog in the ice and snow again this morning for a couple of hours. It's NOT good walking conditions when you have unstable joints. It's bloody hard work and I'm terrified of dislocating something. I struggle through it every day because it is my soul food and G adores the walks. It is SO amazingly beautiful around here right now. It looks like a film set of the Canadian wilderness or something. Amazing. The trees all frosted white, the sky crystal clear blue, the lake frozen over. I LOVE winters like this. Probably because I don't mind any weather but walking the dog in the rain is a nightmare, and when it is really icy there is no mud to clean :-). In fact, he comes back sparkling and covered in icicles, lol.
Food wise? I B/Ped again last night, 'sigh'. However it wasn't major. I have been going to bed after purging and waking up REALLY starving. I guess I'm emptying my stomach before I sleep, then realise it when I wake. So today I ate really well, like a lot, I mean. But it wasn't drama-provoking. I made an amazing meal of peppered beef steaks, Mexican fried rice with veggies and a salad. It was yummy. Pretty much healthy too. I don't use oil to cook and I gave all the garlic butter to my OH.
I find it eternally ironic that I will leave butter off my steak and then quite happily proceed to eat a giant bar of chocolate and a packet of biscuits in the evening, without a thought for the fat. I sometimes think that because you don't physically PUT the fat and the salt and the sugar in junk food, it's like the connection isn't there. I mean, like the difference between cash and credit card. One feels tangible, real. One, on the other hand, is false, gives you a sense of security. If I bake or cook I do so consciously and make it healthy if I possibly can. Yet food that I buy? I glance at the calories...rarely any other information. I sometimes wonder if all the good I do to by body is negated by all that shitty food. I guess trying my best to eat well and exercise and stay at a good weight is the best I can do. I'm doing pretty well right now. I hope it lasts.
Well, I have started writing a lot again. I have written about 6,000 words this week so my millionth attempt at a novel is emerging. Slightly. It'll probably wither and die with all the rest. But even if that happens, it's good practice. And it helps. Bigtime. Hours fly by and i feel satisfied. Bought a new piano book too and so I've been hashing my way through that this evening.
My life is so dull, hey?!
Ciao for now guys xxxx
Showing posts with label food. Show all posts
Showing posts with label food. Show all posts
Tuesday, 7 December 2010
Tuesday, 30 November 2010
GIVE THANKS FOR A GOOD DAY!
Well yippeeeee... I have had a great day. I really have. Nothing special, just felt calm and in control of my thoughts and emotions.
Got up first thing for an appointment with my psychiatrist - it went well actually. I have only seen this particular one twice before; I got assigned him in the hospital after struggling for four years to get on with a woman who clashed totally with me personality-wise - she didn't have any interest in helping me, she seemed to think my goal was to antagonise her and she did the same to me. Needless to say this new relationship is actually THERAPEUTIC! He's a really funny, guy, must be in his mid-sixties and very intelligent, very switched on. He actually bothered to ask my opinion on how I was doing, and gave me some interesting information on BPD. Apparently it is not viewed as a 'personality disorder' in the same way as the others. He said it is a disease and can come on at any age. He said that there is a 60% recovery rate within 5 years. Which is the first time I've heard something like this from a pysch. He was basically saying it isn't my fault, it is obviously a biological-chemical-physical disorder but it is possible to learn to manage it and live a fulfilled life.
So that was insightful and helpful. Then I went for a quick walk and got the bus home, only to run out of the door with G (doggie) into the snow. We were out for 2 hours, surprisingly neither of us was cold, thank God. I love the cold weather so I'm constantly out in it. Not when it's chucking it down but when it's crisp and windy and the sun is shining, I love it! All the Welsh hills and mountains are white and it's a beautiful sight. The snow around our area is still pretty deep and there is more on the way. I'm just glad we don't live up North. My thoughts are with you guys who do :-(.
Went to the supermarket this evening and bought myself some snack foods. I guess sometimes they would be binge foods but tonight I have been SO SO good, I had one portion of flapjack instead of the whole tray. I also made a super healthy dinner to fill myself up before I had any snacks, so that even if I did binge it wouldn't be so terrible.
All in all, a very happy day. I think I need sleep now; my eyes are closing as I type!
Good night all x
Got up first thing for an appointment with my psychiatrist - it went well actually. I have only seen this particular one twice before; I got assigned him in the hospital after struggling for four years to get on with a woman who clashed totally with me personality-wise - she didn't have any interest in helping me, she seemed to think my goal was to antagonise her and she did the same to me. Needless to say this new relationship is actually THERAPEUTIC! He's a really funny, guy, must be in his mid-sixties and very intelligent, very switched on. He actually bothered to ask my opinion on how I was doing, and gave me some interesting information on BPD. Apparently it is not viewed as a 'personality disorder' in the same way as the others. He said it is a disease and can come on at any age. He said that there is a 60% recovery rate within 5 years. Which is the first time I've heard something like this from a pysch. He was basically saying it isn't my fault, it is obviously a biological-chemical-physical disorder but it is possible to learn to manage it and live a fulfilled life.
So that was insightful and helpful. Then I went for a quick walk and got the bus home, only to run out of the door with G (doggie) into the snow. We were out for 2 hours, surprisingly neither of us was cold, thank God. I love the cold weather so I'm constantly out in it. Not when it's chucking it down but when it's crisp and windy and the sun is shining, I love it! All the Welsh hills and mountains are white and it's a beautiful sight. The snow around our area is still pretty deep and there is more on the way. I'm just glad we don't live up North. My thoughts are with you guys who do :-(.
Went to the supermarket this evening and bought myself some snack foods. I guess sometimes they would be binge foods but tonight I have been SO SO good, I had one portion of flapjack instead of the whole tray. I also made a super healthy dinner to fill myself up before I had any snacks, so that even if I did binge it wouldn't be so terrible.
All in all, a very happy day. I think I need sleep now; my eyes are closing as I type!
Good night all x
Sunday, 28 November 2010
PARENTAL CONTROL OF FOOD
Anyone else's family have something to do with their weight?
I know that mine did.
When I was about 10 I put on a little puppy fat. I have notes I wrote to myself at that time with diet plans I'd devised, encouraged by my parents. I was encouraged to feel like it was not acceptable to be overweight, and that I should have the willpower to resist food, that I should learn to control what I ate. My mother's eating habits are very controlled. She has eaten the same breakfast and lunch pretty much EVERY day since I was a child (I am 26), and the dinner would always be on a rotation, 7 different meals for the 7 days of the week...even when I go home for holidays it's the same as when I was 5 years old...still salad on a monday...
At the same time I had a father who cooked and cooked and stuffed us (my sister and I) full of food. He was big into massive portions, so much so that even with four of us (two of them children) for dinner he normally cooked 1kg spaghetti and 600g mince. Imagine! Obviously we always felt guilty for leaving food, whilst simultaneously feeling guilty for overeating. I remember constantly scorning myself for my lack of self control. To be thin was something I would do if I could only improve my strengh of character, change my personality. I was weak. I couldn't resist.
Typical breakfast with my Dad was 2 slices of buttered toast, can of spaghetti with melted cheese, fried egg on top (aged 10)! I distinctly remember eating bags and bags of crisps and sweets in one day as a child, often stuffing myself. We were spoilt with many trips to McDonalds, a lot of takeaways...always a treat, always a comfort, always something when Mummy was 'tired' and wanted something easy to shut us up.
Otherwise, my mother was very rigid and strict with us. We couldn't have sugary cereal with Mummy, with Daddy it was huge bowls of Frosties or Coco Pops. Dad would buy us bumper bags of sweets while Mum would moan about our weight. My sister was chubby too and I know we both have the same issues now. Funny hey?
I remember my Mum and Dad always arguing in front of us over food. How much we should be getting, what not to eat, my Dad insisting we were kids and should be indulged, my Mum getting us to eat grapefruit and Allbran for breakfast. Mum was pretty tight on portion control...Dad went overboard at every meal...3 burgers, a whole can of baked beans, cheese, a whole plate of chips. All for one ten year old. You can see the problem? He was a big fan of pie with icecream with cream poured on top so that it hardened and cracked. I guess what kid could resist such a party? My Dad would get so offended and get a hurt look on his face if we rejected his food. As teenagers we obviously became more and more health conscious, asking for semi-skim milk, buying healthier snacks, using less oil and butter....we started refusing the food my Dad would cook. For me this was very hard. Partly because I didn't want to upset him, partly because it tasted so good and made me feel good. I guess that's why I started skipping meals in the day and throwing up...so that I could eat his food and make him happy.
Hurtful comments that you are 'fat' and 'chubby' and 'heavy' and 'pig-like' from your relatives are not great. But I think what really stuck with me was the two conflicting ideals that came from my parents...which way was I to go? Who was I supposed to please? Why did I have to choose?
Well, here we are, many years later and I still fight the battle between restriction and over-indulgence day after day. Will I ever be free?
Anyone else have experiences to share on this? Interesting stuff.
I know that mine did.
When I was about 10 I put on a little puppy fat. I have notes I wrote to myself at that time with diet plans I'd devised, encouraged by my parents. I was encouraged to feel like it was not acceptable to be overweight, and that I should have the willpower to resist food, that I should learn to control what I ate. My mother's eating habits are very controlled. She has eaten the same breakfast and lunch pretty much EVERY day since I was a child (I am 26), and the dinner would always be on a rotation, 7 different meals for the 7 days of the week...even when I go home for holidays it's the same as when I was 5 years old...still salad on a monday...
At the same time I had a father who cooked and cooked and stuffed us (my sister and I) full of food. He was big into massive portions, so much so that even with four of us (two of them children) for dinner he normally cooked 1kg spaghetti and 600g mince. Imagine! Obviously we always felt guilty for leaving food, whilst simultaneously feeling guilty for overeating. I remember constantly scorning myself for my lack of self control. To be thin was something I would do if I could only improve my strengh of character, change my personality. I was weak. I couldn't resist.
Typical breakfast with my Dad was 2 slices of buttered toast, can of spaghetti with melted cheese, fried egg on top (aged 10)! I distinctly remember eating bags and bags of crisps and sweets in one day as a child, often stuffing myself. We were spoilt with many trips to McDonalds, a lot of takeaways...always a treat, always a comfort, always something when Mummy was 'tired' and wanted something easy to shut us up.
Otherwise, my mother was very rigid and strict with us. We couldn't have sugary cereal with Mummy, with Daddy it was huge bowls of Frosties or Coco Pops. Dad would buy us bumper bags of sweets while Mum would moan about our weight. My sister was chubby too and I know we both have the same issues now. Funny hey?
I remember my Mum and Dad always arguing in front of us over food. How much we should be getting, what not to eat, my Dad insisting we were kids and should be indulged, my Mum getting us to eat grapefruit and Allbran for breakfast. Mum was pretty tight on portion control...Dad went overboard at every meal...3 burgers, a whole can of baked beans, cheese, a whole plate of chips. All for one ten year old. You can see the problem? He was a big fan of pie with icecream with cream poured on top so that it hardened and cracked. I guess what kid could resist such a party? My Dad would get so offended and get a hurt look on his face if we rejected his food. As teenagers we obviously became more and more health conscious, asking for semi-skim milk, buying healthier snacks, using less oil and butter....we started refusing the food my Dad would cook. For me this was very hard. Partly because I didn't want to upset him, partly because it tasted so good and made me feel good. I guess that's why I started skipping meals in the day and throwing up...so that I could eat his food and make him happy.
Hurtful comments that you are 'fat' and 'chubby' and 'heavy' and 'pig-like' from your relatives are not great. But I think what really stuck with me was the two conflicting ideals that came from my parents...which way was I to go? Who was I supposed to please? Why did I have to choose?
Well, here we are, many years later and I still fight the battle between restriction and over-indulgence day after day. Will I ever be free?
Anyone else have experiences to share on this? Interesting stuff.
Sunday, 14 November 2010
HUNGER
Went into town today and bought a few things. I got a memory foam pillow because it was on offer, and I already have a mattress topper which is amazing and I can't sleep without pain anyway, so it really lessens the pain on bad nights. Bought some of my favourite licorice toffee, yummy. A new pair of jeans...I'm back in kids sizes, age 11-12. I don't really mind, I have never been big really, but I know I need to maintain my weight. I haven't done so well today; managed a bowl of Weetabix and a pear. I'll get there. I plan to have a proper dinner, pasta probably with meat. So I am trying I guess. Not hard enough, I know. But it's so scary to eat when I know that the scales will creep up because I have been starving myself. And it's hard to cope with the extreme water retention because the bloating makes me feel so fat and uncomfortable. I'm also suffering from bad reflux and nausea, so I am put off eating most of the time, in order to stop the symptoms. I wish it was a pleasurable experience but generally I feel crap for a couple of hours after I eat. Hence why I need to drink the calories. I haven't even managed one Ensure yet. It's a bit pathetic. Something has to change...I guess my thought process is going like this:
Have to maintain low weight, so can't eat more... don't want to eat more and gain weight because I like being thin and I feel calm and in control... am very good at looking in the mirror and seeing myself as big...knowing there is more weight to lose...worrying about my health and wanting to eat...scared to eat because I know my weight will go up...want to eat because I'm tired and cold and dizzy...don't want to eat because it makes me feel poorly and uncomfortable.
I don't want this all to end in an admission and a tube feed.
Grah.
I guess I know it all, I know the solutions, I am just choosing not to look after myself. BAD BAD girl.
Enough for now x
Have to maintain low weight, so can't eat more... don't want to eat more and gain weight because I like being thin and I feel calm and in control... am very good at looking in the mirror and seeing myself as big...knowing there is more weight to lose...worrying about my health and wanting to eat...scared to eat because I know my weight will go up...want to eat because I'm tired and cold and dizzy...don't want to eat because it makes me feel poorly and uncomfortable.
I don't want this all to end in an admission and a tube feed.
Grah.
I guess I know it all, I know the solutions, I am just choosing not to look after myself. BAD BAD girl.
Enough for now x
Saturday, 9 October 2010
AH, THE SATISFACTION
I have had a really lovely day. It's not often I say that with entire sincerity. It's usually something I tell other people so I don't appear miserable, or something that I try to convince myself of when I'm trying hard to be positive. But today, NO effort, just felt happy!
I LOVE it when this happens. It makes me kind of sad that I am missing out on so much by having so many days where I DON'T feel like this - and what would my life by like if I had more days like today?
Well I guess I have to find out why today was so good...I got up on the right side of the bed?!
I managed to get my OH's new jacket and fleece in colours that really suit him, and we both bought new waterproof gloves for the coming wet weather. I got some waterproof socks too as last winter I kept pinching his! So we're kitted out for the winter. We both already have a ton of hiking and wet weather gear for going up mountains etc, but I can always find excuses to buy more!
Tomorrow hopefully we'll take the camper van to the waterfalls and spend the day walking. We can set up and have tea and something to eat then, so we have no rush to get home. The dog always has a ball too. Can't wait!
So much for the good weather though...it's been grey and blowing a gale all day!
Food wise? Good. Had quite a few sweets and two pieces of fruit (to balance out lol) and I made a gorgeous spag bol for us both tonight, packed full of fresh veggies. I have to say I cook yummy food when I can be bothered. Lately I have been having cereal for dinner way too much, and I used to cook from scratch every day. Must get back into the habit because it feels great to eat better.
I don't know if you guys across the pond get 'Come Dine with Me' on TV but I swear I'm addicted and they have just uploaded new episodes online on the 4OD website. It's a show where different people each night host a dinner party for a group of people they haven't met before the start of the week. Needless to say they deliberately mismatch personalities and there are always fireworks, coupled with a lot of disastrous food and bad behaviour! I know there is an Aussie version but don't know if you Americans and Canadians get it over there? It's highly entertaining if you like watching the public wind each other up!
Anyway, living in Wales will become wetter from here onwards...the autumn has set in and if last winter is anything to go by, we shall be facing snow for months to come. Brrr!
I LOVE it when this happens. It makes me kind of sad that I am missing out on so much by having so many days where I DON'T feel like this - and what would my life by like if I had more days like today?
Well I guess I have to find out why today was so good...I got up on the right side of the bed?!
I managed to get my OH's new jacket and fleece in colours that really suit him, and we both bought new waterproof gloves for the coming wet weather. I got some waterproof socks too as last winter I kept pinching his! So we're kitted out for the winter. We both already have a ton of hiking and wet weather gear for going up mountains etc, but I can always find excuses to buy more!
Tomorrow hopefully we'll take the camper van to the waterfalls and spend the day walking. We can set up and have tea and something to eat then, so we have no rush to get home. The dog always has a ball too. Can't wait!
So much for the good weather though...it's been grey and blowing a gale all day!
Food wise? Good. Had quite a few sweets and two pieces of fruit (to balance out lol) and I made a gorgeous spag bol for us both tonight, packed full of fresh veggies. I have to say I cook yummy food when I can be bothered. Lately I have been having cereal for dinner way too much, and I used to cook from scratch every day. Must get back into the habit because it feels great to eat better.
I don't know if you guys across the pond get 'Come Dine with Me' on TV but I swear I'm addicted and they have just uploaded new episodes online on the 4OD website. It's a show where different people each night host a dinner party for a group of people they haven't met before the start of the week. Needless to say they deliberately mismatch personalities and there are always fireworks, coupled with a lot of disastrous food and bad behaviour! I know there is an Aussie version but don't know if you Americans and Canadians get it over there? It's highly entertaining if you like watching the public wind each other up!
Anyway, living in Wales will become wetter from here onwards...the autumn has set in and if last winter is anything to go by, we shall be facing snow for months to come. Brrr!
Friday, 8 October 2010
BETTER...
Today was much better.
Just wanted a quick opinion from you other bloggers out there - do you think it's appropriate for me to post numbers/lists of food on my blog? Sometimes I am hyper aware that posting my weight and other such specifics can be very triggering. I know myself that I am never triggered by other people posting weight, binges etc. But I want to be as conscious as I can that there are people out there who could be influenced, especially as clinically my weight is on the low end of normal and my eating can be pretty dysfunctional at times.
So, anyone have an opinion? Would be interesting to know your thoughts.
Had a great walk with the dog today and he met his best doggie friend. They like to chase each other until they flop, at which point they cuddle each other and lick each others' faces. It's so cute! He has his favourite friends, most definitely. He's scarily human sometimes. I swear we read each others' thoughts. Bless.
I managed to see my therapist today. She gave me another proverbial kick up the backside about getting out, and after my appt I managed to walk quite a way through a busy shopping district, buy some bits for the dog and change my library books. Go me! Hopefully I am pushing for my OH to take said doggie and I out for a long long walk tomorrow. We have a gorgeous waterfall we go to and it's very special being able to stand behind it and see the forest through a blur. The dog gets a bit freaked out and wet, but I'm sure it's a good experience for him!
So food wise...I did ok. Perhaps I could have spaced my eating out better as I had nothing until dinner, and then too many snacks in the evening. But overall it wasn't too bad, considering yesterday's disaster. And it is always so hard to pick myself up after a binge so I am giving myself some credit for progress.
Plus as my T constantly reminds me, I have come SO far in the past year. I've become abstinent from drink and drugs, I've completely stopped self harming, I'm no longer clinically depressed...in fact I think my bad moods are often due to frustration about not being in a place to do all the cool things at once that I want to achieve. I have to remember baby steps, baby steps....keep going forward and if I make the same amount of progress this year I could almost be classed as 'normal'! Whatever that is. Just not so obsessive would be good. And detaching my emotions from my weight and food intake. It's happening. It's just slow.
The best things come to those who wait...
Hope you've all had a good day x
Just wanted a quick opinion from you other bloggers out there - do you think it's appropriate for me to post numbers/lists of food on my blog? Sometimes I am hyper aware that posting my weight and other such specifics can be very triggering. I know myself that I am never triggered by other people posting weight, binges etc. But I want to be as conscious as I can that there are people out there who could be influenced, especially as clinically my weight is on the low end of normal and my eating can be pretty dysfunctional at times.
So, anyone have an opinion? Would be interesting to know your thoughts.
Had a great walk with the dog today and he met his best doggie friend. They like to chase each other until they flop, at which point they cuddle each other and lick each others' faces. It's so cute! He has his favourite friends, most definitely. He's scarily human sometimes. I swear we read each others' thoughts. Bless.
I managed to see my therapist today. She gave me another proverbial kick up the backside about getting out, and after my appt I managed to walk quite a way through a busy shopping district, buy some bits for the dog and change my library books. Go me! Hopefully I am pushing for my OH to take said doggie and I out for a long long walk tomorrow. We have a gorgeous waterfall we go to and it's very special being able to stand behind it and see the forest through a blur. The dog gets a bit freaked out and wet, but I'm sure it's a good experience for him!
So food wise...I did ok. Perhaps I could have spaced my eating out better as I had nothing until dinner, and then too many snacks in the evening. But overall it wasn't too bad, considering yesterday's disaster. And it is always so hard to pick myself up after a binge so I am giving myself some credit for progress.
Plus as my T constantly reminds me, I have come SO far in the past year. I've become abstinent from drink and drugs, I've completely stopped self harming, I'm no longer clinically depressed...in fact I think my bad moods are often due to frustration about not being in a place to do all the cool things at once that I want to achieve. I have to remember baby steps, baby steps....keep going forward and if I make the same amount of progress this year I could almost be classed as 'normal'! Whatever that is. Just not so obsessive would be good. And detaching my emotions from my weight and food intake. It's happening. It's just slow.
The best things come to those who wait...
Hope you've all had a good day x
Tuesday, 5 October 2010
MAKE HAY WHILE THE SUN SHINES
Well, a positive day. I managed to get a two hour walk in with the dog this morning, followed by an hour of strength training. Granted, I then fell asleep for two hours and woke up just in time to take the dog for a wee, whoops!
At the moment I am trying to learn to live within my energy limits, because I am so drained constantly due to the high levels of opioids I am on for pain. It's pretty disheartening sometimes. I managed to read a few pages today but before I started these patches I was easily reading 4-5 books a week. I miss it a lot.
Last week I attempted to cut back my dosage to 10mg/hr (from 15mg/hr), but by the next morning I was in too much pain to play the piano or walk the dog. It sucks, such a horrible balance to get!
So tomorrow when it's time to change my weekly patches, I will again try to succeed on just 10mg/hr, coupled this time with regular anti-inflammatories and paracetamol. I don't hold out too much hope but we'll see. I can also take Tramadol on top if I need to, but it's another opioid and sometimes I feel like I am overloading my system.
I guess at the moment it's about listening to my body, not getting mad when I'm exhausted and need to rest, and taking advantage of the times when I feel well.
Today has been much better eating wise, as was yesterday. Here's today's food:
Approx 10 boiled sweets
Small plate pasta with heaps of veggies in tomato sauce
2 Weetabix
Kiwi fruit
Apple
Not bad, hey?
It's my OH's birthday tomorrow so it's my turn to look after him. Hopefully he will decide on a nice dinner that I can cook for us both, because he HATES eating out. Which sucks because I adore it! That's probably because I am a good cook and do all the cooking in the house, so he sees no need to pay for someone else to...but in my opinion it's a nice break!
Well it's early but I'm going to bed, see if more sleep time makes me less tired! I have been addicted *psychologically* to these OTC sleeping tablets which are basically just strong anti-histamines that cause drowsiness. Even though I doubt they actually work, I have been taking them every night for a year. It is kind of expensive and it's not good for my body...so I'm going to try to cut down and eventually stop altogether. I get paranoid that I won't sleep without them, but to be honest why am I so afraid of being awake at night?! No idea. I guess it's because I started taking them after I detoxed off of alcohol and tranquillisers. Obviously on both of those a night I was totally passed out unconscious and never worried about sleep. So the OTC tablets made me feel safe, at a time when I felt totally overwhelmed having my security blanket taken from me. I guess I've moved on a hell of a lot in the last year and I need to give my body a chance to get into a natural sleep pattern....here's to trying!
As usual the dog has snuck onto my side of the bed whilst I've been on the computer and is looking way too comfortable with his head on my pillow, little sod! He sleeps downstairs at night in the kitchen but he spends all day and evening attached to me. It's kind of touching, the degree of love and devotion he has for me. Not that it's just one way - he is my world, my best friend and a constant source of unconditional love. He really gives me reason to laugh at the goofy things he does :-).
At the moment I am trying to learn to live within my energy limits, because I am so drained constantly due to the high levels of opioids I am on for pain. It's pretty disheartening sometimes. I managed to read a few pages today but before I started these patches I was easily reading 4-5 books a week. I miss it a lot.
Last week I attempted to cut back my dosage to 10mg/hr (from 15mg/hr), but by the next morning I was in too much pain to play the piano or walk the dog. It sucks, such a horrible balance to get!
So tomorrow when it's time to change my weekly patches, I will again try to succeed on just 10mg/hr, coupled this time with regular anti-inflammatories and paracetamol. I don't hold out too much hope but we'll see. I can also take Tramadol on top if I need to, but it's another opioid and sometimes I feel like I am overloading my system.
I guess at the moment it's about listening to my body, not getting mad when I'm exhausted and need to rest, and taking advantage of the times when I feel well.
Today has been much better eating wise, as was yesterday. Here's today's food:
Approx 10 boiled sweets
Small plate pasta with heaps of veggies in tomato sauce
2 Weetabix
Kiwi fruit
Apple
Not bad, hey?
It's my OH's birthday tomorrow so it's my turn to look after him. Hopefully he will decide on a nice dinner that I can cook for us both, because he HATES eating out. Which sucks because I adore it! That's probably because I am a good cook and do all the cooking in the house, so he sees no need to pay for someone else to...but in my opinion it's a nice break!
Well it's early but I'm going to bed, see if more sleep time makes me less tired! I have been addicted *psychologically* to these OTC sleeping tablets which are basically just strong anti-histamines that cause drowsiness. Even though I doubt they actually work, I have been taking them every night for a year. It is kind of expensive and it's not good for my body...so I'm going to try to cut down and eventually stop altogether. I get paranoid that I won't sleep without them, but to be honest why am I so afraid of being awake at night?! No idea. I guess it's because I started taking them after I detoxed off of alcohol and tranquillisers. Obviously on both of those a night I was totally passed out unconscious and never worried about sleep. So the OTC tablets made me feel safe, at a time when I felt totally overwhelmed having my security blanket taken from me. I guess I've moved on a hell of a lot in the last year and I need to give my body a chance to get into a natural sleep pattern....here's to trying!
As usual the dog has snuck onto my side of the bed whilst I've been on the computer and is looking way too comfortable with his head on my pillow, little sod! He sleeps downstairs at night in the kitchen but he spends all day and evening attached to me. It's kind of touching, the degree of love and devotion he has for me. Not that it's just one way - he is my world, my best friend and a constant source of unconditional love. He really gives me reason to laugh at the goofy things he does :-).
Monday, 4 October 2010
NOT BAD
I have actually done pretty well for me eating wise today. Now, ideally I wouldn't have had ANY sugar or eaten after dinner, but right now hooray for small victories. I have managed not to weigh myself in a few days. I'm afraid to in a way. I just don't want to go over 6st 7. I think I can sustain that without starving. So tonight I had 2 weetabix with hot water, an apple and three boiled sweets. That's cool I guess. I reckon I'm still only at around 1000kcal today.
Apart from that, it's been a lame day. I didn't make it into town, and I desperately needed to go to drop off a script and get a haircut. The fact that my hair is such a mess at the moment is making me want to hide away more. I will feel SO much better when it's done.
I backed out again this evening. I signed my dog up for agility classes a year ago and he finally got to the top of the waiting list last week. I was all excited and had budgeted the petrol and the fees and worked out that it would be feasible. So my first night was tonight. I didn't go. And I won't be going now, seeing as I wrote them an email saying to give my slot to someone else. Stupid, hey? I just feel like I couldn't commit to paying for 10 weeks up front when I'm having SUCH a hard time getting out of the house. I would do what I always do, stress for the whole week about it and make myself ill over it, and then end up not going anyway because the anxiety would be so high by then. Plus I don't really feel up to committing myself to any activity right now, given my inability to keep appointments.
The super sad fact is that I REALLY did want to do it. Again I chose the easy option and crawled into a dark hole. Well to be precise, I sat myself on my beanbag in front of the computer and blogged the evening away, all the while watching shit American TV to drown my sorrows.
AT LEAST I DIDN'T BINGE!
Tomorrow I really have to try and kick my arse out of the front door. After I walk the mutt I shall try and get into town.
We shall see...
Apart from that, it's been a lame day. I didn't make it into town, and I desperately needed to go to drop off a script and get a haircut. The fact that my hair is such a mess at the moment is making me want to hide away more. I will feel SO much better when it's done.
I backed out again this evening. I signed my dog up for agility classes a year ago and he finally got to the top of the waiting list last week. I was all excited and had budgeted the petrol and the fees and worked out that it would be feasible. So my first night was tonight. I didn't go. And I won't be going now, seeing as I wrote them an email saying to give my slot to someone else. Stupid, hey? I just feel like I couldn't commit to paying for 10 weeks up front when I'm having SUCH a hard time getting out of the house. I would do what I always do, stress for the whole week about it and make myself ill over it, and then end up not going anyway because the anxiety would be so high by then. Plus I don't really feel up to committing myself to any activity right now, given my inability to keep appointments.
The super sad fact is that I REALLY did want to do it. Again I chose the easy option and crawled into a dark hole. Well to be precise, I sat myself on my beanbag in front of the computer and blogged the evening away, all the while watching shit American TV to drown my sorrows.
AT LEAST I DIDN'T BINGE!
Tomorrow I really have to try and kick my arse out of the front door. After I walk the mutt I shall try and get into town.
We shall see...
SUGAR
I'm struggling. Managed to drag myself to the supermarket with my OH. Wasn't that good but I managed to be RELATIVELY restrained. I managed to get cream cakes for him and resist that temptation. But I still came away with cookies, sweets and white chocolate. Damn. So far I haven't touched any. I guess I'll give in to the temptation with a few boiled sweets this evening but I'm going to try and hold off eating any other junk. In an ideal world I would manage not to eat ANY crap, but I'm not doing so great today.
Food so far:
Small portion pasta with lots of veggie sauce
Pear
2 Weetabix
Apple
Not bad.
It's the evening that always buggers me up though. I need comfort and I give up trying. Yet ironically it just makes me feel worse, and beats my self-esteem further into the ground.
I'll do my best.
Food so far:
Small portion pasta with lots of veggie sauce
Pear
2 Weetabix
Apple
Not bad.
It's the evening that always buggers me up though. I need comfort and I give up trying. Yet ironically it just makes me feel worse, and beats my self-esteem further into the ground.
I'll do my best.
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