Tuesday, 7 December 2010


is the name that my OH and I use when I'm feeling anxious, or stressed, or a bit 'argh'. Like that feeling you get inside, you know? When you're all sad and tense and a bit confused. I get it a lot. But having the 'squinch' is not such a bad thing. Why? I hear you cry. Well. having a silly name for it, putting it into words, communicating it, makes it lessen. Like, it's a safe word. I can say it without having to say 'I feel like self-harming' or 'I want to die'. It helps both of us to get through those dark days. And most times, when we've talked and had a cuddle, the squinch dies away. So that's just my take on those days, you know, when you know how you feel, you just don't know how to tell someone.

Good day? Mostly. My knee is now even more extremely buggered. I walked the dog in the ice and snow again this morning for a couple of hours. It's NOT good walking conditions when you have unstable joints. It's bloody hard work and I'm terrified of dislocating something. I struggle through it every day because it is my soul food and G adores the walks. It is SO amazingly beautiful around here right now. It looks like a film set of the Canadian wilderness or something. Amazing. The trees all frosted white, the sky crystal clear blue, the lake frozen over. I LOVE winters like this. Probably because I don't mind any weather but walking the dog in the rain is a nightmare, and when it is really icy there is no mud to clean :-). In fact, he comes back sparkling and covered in icicles, lol.

Food wise? I B/Ped again last night, 'sigh'. However it wasn't major. I have been going to bed after purging and waking up REALLY starving. I guess I'm emptying my stomach before I sleep, then realise it when I wake. So today I ate really well, like a lot, I mean. But it wasn't drama-provoking. I made an amazing meal of peppered beef steaks, Mexican fried rice with veggies and a salad. It was yummy. Pretty much healthy too. I don't use oil to cook and I gave all the garlic butter to my OH.

I find it eternally ironic that I will leave butter off my steak and then quite happily proceed to eat a giant bar of chocolate and a packet of biscuits in the evening, without a thought for the fat. I sometimes think that because you don't physically PUT the fat and the salt and the sugar in junk food, it's like the connection isn't there. I mean, like the difference between cash and credit card. One feels tangible, real. One, on the other hand, is false, gives you a sense of security. If I bake or cook I do so consciously and make it healthy if I possibly can. Yet food that I buy? I glance at the calories...rarely any other information. I sometimes wonder if all the good I do to by body is negated by all that shitty food. I guess trying my best to eat well and exercise and stay at a good weight is the best I can do. I'm doing pretty well right now. I hope it lasts.

Well, I have started writing a lot again. I have written about 6,000 words this week so my millionth attempt at a novel is emerging. Slightly. It'll probably wither and die with all the rest. But even if that happens, it's good practice. And it helps. Bigtime. Hours fly by and i feel satisfied. Bought a new piano book too and so I've been hashing my way through that this evening.

My life is so dull, hey?!

Ciao for now guys xxxx

Monday, 6 December 2010


Ah, I'm ok.

What is it about life that means you don't want to communicate it when you're really having the hardest time? Isn't that the best time to express oneself? Hah, well, I'm trying. Sorry for going AWOL, I'm sure my readers were soooo disappointed (as if!).

I've completely buggered my left knee and right hip at the moment. I know my condition won't ever disappear but it's getting gradually worse, harder to walk, harder to get through the day because of the pain. Well it's just downright frustrating! My favourite thing to do is walk, walk, walk. I ADORE walking. I can switch off from the world, listen to Radio 4 (my best friend) and take my dog with me for companionship. When I'm walking the dog at the lake with the beautiful winter scenery I feel like I need nothing else in the world, that I'm complete, whole, content. It's a wonderful feeling. Lately I have been walking WAY too much and I'm paying for it. It's so good for my soul, total soul food, yet SO bad for my poor joints. Oh the irony.

Been up down up down between restricting, bingeing and trying to eat like a normal person. Actually it's not been too terrible. I reckon I've gained a couple of pounds and yes, it's stressing me out, but it's no the end of the world considering how much I've been bingeing and purging. This week I've spent way too much time with my head over the toilet bowl, coughing and choking on my own vomit. God I hate it, tears and snot all over my face, a stinking mess to clear up, trying to forget what I just did and ignore the panic if I can't get rid of the food. Why is that?! Sometimes so easy, sometimes impossible. I don't want to talk too much about this in case it's triggering. However, I will happily communicate how utterly miserable and depressing it is. The negatives outweigh the positives by a massive proportion. It's not ever worth going down that road. It only leads to more problems, anxiety , hell.

Pretty shit weekend, loads of arguments with my partner. We're ok today, much better, you know, like the calm after the storm. Both walking on eggshells trying not to piss each other off. It's not helping that I couldn't cook dinner because I can't stand up that long, so he's had to go out for food. So far though we're both in happy mode. Thank god.

Also found out that my partner hears me purging. I had no idea. He's NEVER mentioned it, not in two years. The other day I made a comment that I ate too many biscuits, and he goes 'oh is that why you threw up then?'. I was pretty stunned and when I asked him he told me he hears me a lot. He just didn't tell me because he didn't want to put more pressure on me. How cute. I guess I'm relieved because he's giving me the space to work it out. Everyone knows nagging doesn't work, and he's on my back enough with the alcohol and the Antabuse.

My dog is currently trying to nudge my hands off the keyboard with his head, and dropping his ball in front of me in the hope I will play...I'd better go but maybe more later.

Thanks for caring - recommend me to all your blogger friends :-), let's make a big support network out there xxx