Tuesday, 28 September 2010


There is SO much of me at the moment that just wants to crawl under a rock and disappear from the world. I'm not doing so great. Have been feeling really low lately and am struggling to feel halfway decent about myself. I did get out with the dog today but other than that it's another day of self-imposed imprisonment. I understand that in the long run it makes everything so much worse, but right now I don't care, I just want to hide and not have to face reality.

I'm really not sure why these past fews weeks have been so hard. I think it's just having a feeling of spinning my wheels, that my life is so stagnant and that I am getting older by the second, yet I am not in any way creating a fulfilling existence for myself. The majority of my time is spent either avoiding reality or worrying about my food intake. I just want a break from it all. I've seriously considered self harming tonight. I know that I won't. It's just horrible to have to deal with those urges on top of fighting the urges to B/P and to drink. Damn! It's hard at the moment just to exist.

Enough whining! Today should have been wonderful as my new keyboard was shipped. Instead I left it downstairs and went to bed in the middle of the day. I just felt too mentally and emotionally drained to even want to look at it. Stupid, hey? Tomorrow I have to get motivated. I have a CPN appointment I have to go to, and there is piano practice to do. Jeez, I need a big kick up the backside today!

Food wise, not good, not bad:

2 Weetabix
2 Cherry Bakewells
Small block white chocolate
few sweets

It wasn't a lot of pasta. But I just want to eat and eat comfort food to cheer myself up. Luckily I've had some self restraint. Hmmm.

Monday, 27 September 2010


Well I have gone back to isolating really badly lately. I haven't seen my therapist for over a month, or my CPN for that matter. Normally I see them both weekly. I haven't gone out alone except for to walk the dog in weeks. It's got bad. And now it's at the point where I'm shit scared to get on the bus to go to my appointment on Wednesday. I was doing SO well, forcing myself out the door as much as possible so I didn't slide back to this. I just have to kick myself back into action and get out there. Otherwise I will be on a slippery slope back to agoraphobia and major anxiety. Not fun.

Food wise, OK I guess. I'm having one of those days where no matter what I eat, I feel hungry. Like I could eat and eat and never get full. Maybe it's because I'm churned up inside and feeling pretty low. But it's a crappy feeling because I cannot afford to gain weight. I have been stuck, inexplicably, at 6st 6lb for the past few days. I think it's because I've been pretty constipated from all the pain medication. I've upped my Buprenorphine patches to 15mg/hr which is a pretty big dose, and it messes with my insides. I've also been feeling more spaced out and drowsy which isn't so good when I'm having issues with motivating myself. It's a great excuse to curl up in bed and watch TV.

I keep telling myself that I WILL get to the gym. I mean it when I say it, but it's just the anxiety that's stopping me right now! Pathetic, I know. I think if I had a gym buddy that called for me or whatever then I'd be able to go. It's intimidating going alone. I'm fine once I get there. In fact the exercise makes me feel GREAT and it also helps me deal with my anxiety and my weight issues. I love being toned, and at the moment despite being quite small I am not very toned at all, compared to how I was in the Spring. I was doing great at getting to the gym and feeling good for it. It's a better outlet than drinking or cutting, or bingeing...the worst!

So it's been a couple of weeks since my last major binge now. Good, hey? I'm scared that I will go overboard tonight and not be able to stop. I have had today:

pasta with veggie tomato sauce
2 Weetabix
small apple
few sweets
cherry bakewell
white chocolate cookie

So not amazing but not much. The amount of pasta I ate was kinda pathetic. I am STARVING goddamnit but I don't want to trigger a binge. Maybe I'll have a bowl of hot Weetabix. That usually works.

My CPN called today and fixed up an appointment for Wednesday. I don't want to go. I feel like sometimes it's a waste of time with her. It takes me so much effort and I'm so anxious getting there and back, and sometimes I only see her for a few minutes. I guess because it's in town it gives me an excuse to shop and get to the massive Central Library. I love it there.

Was trying to get it across to my OH today that inevitably I am going to want to have a baby in the next few years. I have been trying to kid myself that I'd be OK not having children but deep down I could never imagine myself not becoming a mother. Children bring me so much joy. And yes, I have issues, but I'm working on them and doesn't everyone, to a certain extent? I've been stable for a good while. I'm probably happier and more secure than I can ever remember being. But I can't see much of a future with him in it, to be honest, if he is hell bent on not wanting a child. The dilemma is do I stay and enjoy it while it lasts, or take the chance on being single and finding 'the one'? I guess the biggest problem I have is that this has become my stability and my anchor. It's scary to think about change. And I do love him very much. I function well when we're together. He keeps my feet on the ground and looks after my best interests, which sometimes I am unable to do. The scary part is thinking that all the time we're together, I am not finding a life partner, and eventually time will run out and I'll not have the opportunity to create the family that I desire.

Scary thoughts, hey?

The desire to drink has been slightly less in the past few days. I have been taking my Antabuse, and as usual that provokes a mixture of being grateful for the safety it gives me, but also feeling angry that my escape route is cut off. I fight against it so much, but every time I relapse there is the potential for me to kill myself. It has become too much of a reality, and each time gets worse and more out of control.

Anyway, enough ramblings. Hopefully I will meet some like-minded people through this blog...Lord knows I could do with the friendship.

For now x

Saturday, 25 September 2010

More memories...

I wanted to post a little of what my life was like a year ago. I think a snapshot of my progress may go a little way to understanding where I am at on my journey.

Last August I entered a detox facility for drug and alcohol abuse. I was, by that point, drinking a litre of vodka a day. Now, bearing in mind I was also abusing benzos, I was in a bad way. I had a stomach ulcer, my liver hurt ALL the time, I was a terrible ashen shade of grey. In the months preceding this inpatient treatment I had pretty much sunk into the depths of depravity. I had been hospitalised numerous times because of my drinking and because of the terrible damage I inflicted on myself whilst intoxicated.

By damage, I mean the awful physical trauma I inflicted on myself. I have deliberately self harmed for many years, but last year it was so out of control that I was having the police and ambulance out regularly. I have cut through veins, muscle, had a skin graft for third degree burns, broken my hand, given myself concussion...to name but a few instances.

I shall of course go into the reasons WHY at some point. Now is not the time.

I guess I knew, deep down, that I needed help. And yet I couldn't take responsibility for myself and turn things around. Ultimately it was the threat of losing my beloved partner and dog for the sake of my next drink that saw me finally giving in and getting clean.

Since stopping drinking I have had a few, rare lapses. I have not self harmed once sober since last summer. Yet, the last incidence of drinking almost killed me. I have nearly died on several occasions, but this was a CLOSE call. I had been sober for months, then had two days of major drinking on top of a cocktail of sedatives. Ultimately my OH was out and I cut very badly, through the muscle in my wrist. I must have passed out because the next thing I remember was waking in resus, having lost three pints of blood and nearly dying. Needless to say I was in hospital for a week, too weak to stand. I survived. My relationship almost didn't. But we are, miraculously, still together. He is my rock. He has been my inspiration and motivation to change. Hence the reason for this blog...

In the past year the trend has been leaning towards positive, affirming behaviours. I have been making small steps towards a healthy future. Yes, I'm still bulimic. But I am a RECOVERING alcoholic, and a RECOVERING self harmer. I am in full control of my actions and accept the responsibilty and consequences that come from making bad choices.

When I left rehab, I felt like a newborn baby. I had to relearn how to FEEL. How to cry, how to be sad, how to express myself through language and emotion. I had covered up my true self for so long that for months all I felt was an intense, deep feeling of sadness in the pit of me, almost as though someone was physically wrenching my heart apart. Finally, that awful distressing fog has lifted and I can say that I feel free from the despair that has been my life for so long.

I guess then my aim now is abstinence. From alcohol, from self-destruction, from thinking that I am not worth it. Because I know that, through this journey, I have learnt to embrace myself and respect who I am, regardless of how I am perceived in the world. This self acceptance has been the key to freeing my soul, yet it has been immensely difficult. I just continue, daily, to put one foot in front of the other and focus on the ever brighter light at the end of the tunnel.

My goal for the immediate future is to keep control over my eating and my weight so that I abstain from abusing food to cover my emotions. This is ultimately my last demon, and yet at the same time it is my biggest, the most deeply ingrained, almost to the point that I would feel, still, lost without it as my security blanket. This is what I need to work on. Letting go of that control that I fade, so that when I eat I can do so guilt free. I know it is self-hate, shame and guilt that drive the binges. Thus I must continue to respect and accept my body and soul.

Easier said than done?! Let's keep trying, hey?


Today was a very cool day. The company that messed up my keyboard have offered me a brand new one at NO extra cost, saving me over £400! I could not be happier as I was GUTTED when it broke. It's so damn sexy. For a keyboard anyway.

Anyway, my sore throat of the last few days has abated and the head fog has cleared. So I've had a better day. Walked the dog with my OH this morning and the weather was perfect. Cool Autumn breeze but bright blue skies and sunshine. Love it!

So tonight I had been doing really well with my food intake. I had four Weetabix with hot water, two small apples, a few sweets, and pasta with vegetable ragu. So I was well on track, considering I was 6st 5 still today so haven't been gaining. But this evening I had a giant cookie and a cherry bakewell. Ok, not so bad, but I freak out when I eat too much junk that it will inevitably lead to a full-on binge. Often it does. If I weighed more right now I would have felt so disgusted that I would have stuffed my face. I guess the saving grace is that I still have a relatively good calorie count today and I'm quite small at the moment. I think my BMI is around 17 so I don't need to crap myself every time I eat something sweet.

These periods inbetween binges have become so much longer and I guess I am learning to cope without needing to use food. The scary thing is that it only takes a small trigger to get me off track. But the binges are easier to climb out of now. It used to go on for weeks, if not months. Now if it's more than a week it's rare. Last time I full on binged was a couple of weeks ago and I've been relatively ok since. Perhaps because my life is very stable at the moment. I have quite a big gig coming up Saturday and I'm hoping my new keyboard will be here Monday so I can get to grips with it. It's damn complicated!

I really hope that I don't go mad tonight and shove more crap into my stomach. It's so hard not to when I get that sugar buzz. It really sets me off. I tried hot Weetabix to stave a binge, but still ate the sugary stuff. Although as I said, nowhere NEAR a binge.

I really hate how, despite what the scale says, I feel so fat and disgusting if I have a day where I eat quite a lot. Like, if I eat under 1000kcal in a day then I feel thin and relatively happy with myself. But if I eat a near 'normal' amount or over I INSTANTLY snap into thinking I'm huge and it is a constant battle to remind myself otherwise! At least I'm not purging at the moment. It only makes the bingeing worse.

So my goal of the moment: EXERCISE! Got to get myself back to the gym. Even twice a week would be great...let's see if I can stick to it at all. I'm not too hopeful!

Here's to a good day tomorrow!

Thursday, 23 September 2010


I went to bed with a scratchy throat and woke up poorly. Achy and shivery and generally feeling pretty zapped. But I dragged myself and the dog out to the park in the pouring rain. It was still pretty warm out though so I was dying in my jacket. Ended up in the rain with a vest top and shorts on! Bizzare hey? I like this time of year though, before it turns into the utter despair of winter and endless months of freezing my arse off in the wind and rain with the dog. And of course last year was particularly stressful with seven feet of snow and iced up roads! Hopefully it'll be a bit milder this year. At least it would save gas.

Had some 'potentially' good news today. The broken keyboard that I bought as ex-repair and had to send back for a refund may result in a brand new one. Hooray! I have been moping all week from not having it and stressing over the extra £400 I would have to find to buy a new one. But luckily it looks like the manufacturer is going to send me a new one because of all the trouble I've had. It' not definite but all my fingers and toes are crossed! I really need it for work so whatever happens I'll end up with one. It would just be wonderful to save that money right now. My bank account is dwindling!

Not been doing so back food wise. Still no binges, thank goodness. Had two cookies today but no dinner, so I guess that balances out somewhat. In fact, I didn't have breakfast or lunch, just a couple of apples and some cereal this afternoon sometime. Feeling poorly has made everything taste like cardboard. Shame, as I was planning on making pasta for tea. Ah, there's always tomorrow.

Wednesday, 22 September 2010


Today I have to report that I am feeling distinctly empty. I have, for the past year, been working towards a big goal. And recently I have decided it is not what I want from life. All of my plans and the slog to get to this place have evaporated and I am back to square one.

Now, I know this is not strictly true, because I am going in an entirely different direction which could eventually be very fulfilling and rewarding. But for now there is the unknown, that scary dark tunnel ahead and I don't know if I'll be able to find my way through. I guess I need to come up with baby steps and a strategy to get me motivated over the next few months.

I haven't been too bad with eating lately. I haven't binged since last Thursday morning. Today I REALLY wanted to, and granted I have had a lot of sweets and a cookie. But not much else and I don't have that awful sluggish, full, tired feeling that I get when I binge. So all good on the food front.

But still, I feel low. I'm walking the dog, I'm reading other blogs for encouragement, I'm working towards small milestones. And if I compare my life to last summer when I was in rehab, still self harming, recovering from years of alcohol and drug abuse and basically an emotional train wreck, just to be here writing this is a miracle. I thought for so long after that living hell that I would never ever be able to have a day without that awful, bleak knot inside of me that wanted me to lay down and give up. It is only in the last few months that life has truly seemed worth living and every day precious in its own right. I no longer dread waking. I have so much more emotional capacity to survive. Damn, it took hard work. But it is finally paying off.

So, the most important thing right now is to PUSH ON. To keep forward thinking, to journal and timetable my days so that I fit in the necessary and don't spend too much time moping or getting anxious about what I SHOULD be doing. I need to take affirmative ACTION rather than putting it all off until 'tomorrow', which we all know never comes.

Enough for now..

Tuesday, 21 September 2010


I was REALLY hungry last night and fighting the desperate urges to binge. However, I managed on Weetabix and apples. I was hoping I wouldn't wake hungry but I have. I guess more apples then. The good news is I was 6st 6lb this morning, so I've only gained 1lb since last week's binges. Probably because I've had a good few days, hey?

The dog and I are chilling this morning. Hopefully I will get to take him out later but I have to wait in for a delivery first. Bummer.

Otherwise, my mood is better today. I am shocked at my willpower in the past few days, considering how huge the urges to binge have been. I shall post more of my story later, since I have the time to journal. It's strange because although this blog is anonymous I am still concerned about people that know me finding it, simply because of the intimate details about my past and my family. I guess it's very private and personal information that I have decided to share. On the other hand, I hope that my story will help and inspire others. So I reckon it has its up side.

I must find breakfast...

Monday, 20 September 2010


I have been reading through blogs endlessly for the last couple of days, having been laid up with hip trouble.

One I have particularly enjoyed is http://www.recoverydiscovery.wordpress.com.

I think reading her blog has made me realise one vital thing: that I never allow myself to sit in a space where I 'maintain' my weight. I am always either losing (i.e. restricting) or gaining (i.e. bingeing). I guess the revelation is that I am either rigidly in control or totally out of control. Perhaps it's time to search for the middle ground, some kind of balance. An equilibrium between the two.

I think for so long my fear of maintenance has been that I have no idea how much food to eat to stay there, and that often I am attempting to maintain an unrealistic weight, meaning I still feel empty on the amount of food it takes to remain there, which of course leads to bingeing. It's either the euphoria of restriction or the utter despair of bingeing and purging.

Here's to the quest for the middle ground!


Well aside from journalling my history, I shall endeavour to make sense of the present. It is, after all, where I'm at.

Yesterday was again a good food day. After last week and its endless binges which left me feeling like crap I have managed to get myself back on track. Today has also been better, although I have had desperate urges to binge all day. I haven't purged since Thursday morning (my last binge) so I am currently trying to distract myself. Unfortunately I went out earlier and bought three packs of biscuits and some cake to binge on. Not a good idea. The binge food is sitting in a bag in the wardrobe, calling to me. I must ignore it! Maybe I should get earplugs...

Other than that, my hips have been majorly playing up, despite all the pain relief. Yesterday was a disaster as I could hardly get out of bed and was sobbing pathetically. I guess I was just overwhelmed by the pain. It was so intense and I was white and shaky, signs that I need to give my body a break! So I took some more painkillers and got some sleep. Happily today the pain has eased dramatically. Thank God, as it's back to dog walking again tomorrow.

In other news, it looks like the new band is coming together, plus I have been booked for some more gigs as session work. Still crossing fingers for steady work next year.

Must get on track with local advertising of my teaching skills...need to build up a client base pretty fast at the moment. Getting on track has been so difficult but I think I am finally beginning to reap the rewards. Hooray!

Went out today and bought new pencils and a notepad to hopefully start jotting down poems again. It has been too long since I wrote anything meaningful. I have either been too stressed or too inebriated. This new, improved me is certainly finding lots of things to fill the days with.

I must must must make it a goal to get back to the gym. My physiotherapy will start up again soon and I need to get in shape for the sake of my joints. They have got incredibly lax again and it's only making the pain worse. I've needed crutches quite a bit recently and that's with the morphine patches. God only knows what I'll be like in a few years' time!

Until next time x


Well I suppose I should begin to explain myself.

Since I was tiny I have struggled with anxiety. As a small child, I remember clinging to either parent in the schoolroom begging not to be left there. I just couldn't handle the fear factor and would do anything to avoid school, even from the very start, aged 4.

One of my earliest memories however is the stem of a lot of my anxieties. My father, forcing adult medication down my throat, teaching me the meaning of fear. One of the worst I can recall was having dissolvable aspirin in my mouth and it foaming out whilst I screamed in panic and disgust. I got used to being forcibly restrained and would do my very best to run through his legs and lock myself in the bathroom. In there I would climb up to the airing cupboard and take out a sleeping bag, crawl into the bath and cover myself over until the storm had passed and I could deem it safe to come out.

This act, which happened on a regular basis, instilled fear into me from a young age. I remember this taking place when I was about six years old, right through my childhood and into my teenage years. I consequently had a terrible fear of taking tablets, which made the situation all the worse as I would be forced to swallow paracetamol crushed up in milk, which made me gag and cry.

From this stemmed massive anxiety in all areas of my life. I was afraid to go to school, preferring to plead sick and remain in the safety of my bed. Aged seven or eight I developed a terrible phobia of swallowing, and couldn’t eat. Through that school year I lost a significant amount of weight. From a young age I was forced to sit at the table and eat cold, soggy vegetables until I gagged. Being constantly forced to eat such awful tasting foods gave me a fear of swallowing any food that I could possibly choke on. I could not even eat the shells of peas or the lumps in mashed potato. I would still, however be forced to sit at the table, alone, for hours on end while I ‘finished’ my food, which usually meant wrapping the remains in tissue and stuffing them into the bin, or putting them down the outside drain. Obviously my parents were unaware as to how to manage this behaviour and used force and control to try and make me eat. This only made my fears grow stronger and I believe now that I could not swallow due to the pure level of anxiety that made my muscles rigid on a daily basis.

From this stemmed an irrational fear that my ‘bad’ thoughts would make terrible things happen to my family at night. I would have a rolling dialogue in my head of thoughts, such as ‘I wish there was a fire’, of which I felt I had no control and of which I was terrified, as I believed I would bring tragedy on the family. I was therefore often too afraid to go to sleep in case my fears came true.

This story will be long and painful. The beginning is, at least, a start, a way into my past and into my world.

Sunday, 19 September 2010

In the beginning ...

I have created this blog to document my journey out of chaos and into a better world, ever hopeful that I can inspire others to change along the way.


I struggle with an Eating Disorder
I used to Self Harm
I have Borderline Personality Disorder
I am a Recovering Alcoholic
I have Hypermobility Syndrome

I am a gigging musician
I adore my dog, Harry
I love reading many types of literature
I strive to be better in a small way each day
I am SH free since May 2010
My other half J keeps me strong and grounded

I hope to use this blog as a platform to document my experiences, past and present, with the eventual plan to turn it into a book. Writing is a big part of my life. Expect poetry, musings, ramblings and emotional heartache.

Ultimately my life has been a bumpy ride in the dark without a map. It is only now that the road is starting to even out and I feel like I am going in the right direction, with a plan and the correct tools to ensure I no longer lose my way.

I am guessing that I will continue to take wrong turns. I hope that in writing about my experiences throughout life I can begin to understand more about who I am and what my purpose is in life.

Here we go....