Tuesday, 7 December 2010


is the name that my OH and I use when I'm feeling anxious, or stressed, or a bit 'argh'. Like that feeling you get inside, you know? When you're all sad and tense and a bit confused. I get it a lot. But having the 'squinch' is not such a bad thing. Why? I hear you cry. Well. having a silly name for it, putting it into words, communicating it, makes it lessen. Like, it's a safe word. I can say it without having to say 'I feel like self-harming' or 'I want to die'. It helps both of us to get through those dark days. And most times, when we've talked and had a cuddle, the squinch dies away. So that's just my take on those days, you know, when you know how you feel, you just don't know how to tell someone.

Good day? Mostly. My knee is now even more extremely buggered. I walked the dog in the ice and snow again this morning for a couple of hours. It's NOT good walking conditions when you have unstable joints. It's bloody hard work and I'm terrified of dislocating something. I struggle through it every day because it is my soul food and G adores the walks. It is SO amazingly beautiful around here right now. It looks like a film set of the Canadian wilderness or something. Amazing. The trees all frosted white, the sky crystal clear blue, the lake frozen over. I LOVE winters like this. Probably because I don't mind any weather but walking the dog in the rain is a nightmare, and when it is really icy there is no mud to clean :-). In fact, he comes back sparkling and covered in icicles, lol.

Food wise? I B/Ped again last night, 'sigh'. However it wasn't major. I have been going to bed after purging and waking up REALLY starving. I guess I'm emptying my stomach before I sleep, then realise it when I wake. So today I ate really well, like a lot, I mean. But it wasn't drama-provoking. I made an amazing meal of peppered beef steaks, Mexican fried rice with veggies and a salad. It was yummy. Pretty much healthy too. I don't use oil to cook and I gave all the garlic butter to my OH.

I find it eternally ironic that I will leave butter off my steak and then quite happily proceed to eat a giant bar of chocolate and a packet of biscuits in the evening, without a thought for the fat. I sometimes think that because you don't physically PUT the fat and the salt and the sugar in junk food, it's like the connection isn't there. I mean, like the difference between cash and credit card. One feels tangible, real. One, on the other hand, is false, gives you a sense of security. If I bake or cook I do so consciously and make it healthy if I possibly can. Yet food that I buy? I glance at the calories...rarely any other information. I sometimes wonder if all the good I do to by body is negated by all that shitty food. I guess trying my best to eat well and exercise and stay at a good weight is the best I can do. I'm doing pretty well right now. I hope it lasts.

Well, I have started writing a lot again. I have written about 6,000 words this week so my millionth attempt at a novel is emerging. Slightly. It'll probably wither and die with all the rest. But even if that happens, it's good practice. And it helps. Bigtime. Hours fly by and i feel satisfied. Bought a new piano book too and so I've been hashing my way through that this evening.

My life is so dull, hey?!

Ciao for now guys xxxx

Monday, 6 December 2010


Ah, I'm ok.

What is it about life that means you don't want to communicate it when you're really having the hardest time? Isn't that the best time to express oneself? Hah, well, I'm trying. Sorry for going AWOL, I'm sure my readers were soooo disappointed (as if!).

I've completely buggered my left knee and right hip at the moment. I know my condition won't ever disappear but it's getting gradually worse, harder to walk, harder to get through the day because of the pain. Well it's just downright frustrating! My favourite thing to do is walk, walk, walk. I ADORE walking. I can switch off from the world, listen to Radio 4 (my best friend) and take my dog with me for companionship. When I'm walking the dog at the lake with the beautiful winter scenery I feel like I need nothing else in the world, that I'm complete, whole, content. It's a wonderful feeling. Lately I have been walking WAY too much and I'm paying for it. It's so good for my soul, total soul food, yet SO bad for my poor joints. Oh the irony.

Been up down up down between restricting, bingeing and trying to eat like a normal person. Actually it's not been too terrible. I reckon I've gained a couple of pounds and yes, it's stressing me out, but it's no the end of the world considering how much I've been bingeing and purging. This week I've spent way too much time with my head over the toilet bowl, coughing and choking on my own vomit. God I hate it, tears and snot all over my face, a stinking mess to clear up, trying to forget what I just did and ignore the panic if I can't get rid of the food. Why is that?! Sometimes so easy, sometimes impossible. I don't want to talk too much about this in case it's triggering. However, I will happily communicate how utterly miserable and depressing it is. The negatives outweigh the positives by a massive proportion. It's not ever worth going down that road. It only leads to more problems, anxiety , hell.

Pretty shit weekend, loads of arguments with my partner. We're ok today, much better, you know, like the calm after the storm. Both walking on eggshells trying not to piss each other off. It's not helping that I couldn't cook dinner because I can't stand up that long, so he's had to go out for food. So far though we're both in happy mode. Thank god.

Also found out that my partner hears me purging. I had no idea. He's NEVER mentioned it, not in two years. The other day I made a comment that I ate too many biscuits, and he goes 'oh is that why you threw up then?'. I was pretty stunned and when I asked him he told me he hears me a lot. He just didn't tell me because he didn't want to put more pressure on me. How cute. I guess I'm relieved because he's giving me the space to work it out. Everyone knows nagging doesn't work, and he's on my back enough with the alcohol and the Antabuse.

My dog is currently trying to nudge my hands off the keyboard with his head, and dropping his ball in front of me in the hope I will play...I'd better go but maybe more later.

Thanks for caring - recommend me to all your blogger friends :-), let's make a big support network out there xxx

Tuesday, 30 November 2010


Well yippeeeee... I have had a great day. I really have. Nothing special, just felt calm and in control of my thoughts and emotions.

Got up first thing for an appointment with my psychiatrist - it went well actually. I have only seen this particular one twice before; I got assigned him in the hospital after struggling for four years to get on with a woman who clashed totally with me personality-wise - she didn't have any interest in helping me, she seemed to think my goal was to antagonise her and she did the same to me. Needless to say this new relationship is actually THERAPEUTIC! He's a really funny, guy, must be in his mid-sixties and very intelligent, very switched on. He actually bothered to ask my opinion on how I was doing, and gave me some interesting information on BPD. Apparently it is not viewed as a 'personality disorder' in the same way as the others. He said it is a disease and can come on at any age. He said that there is a 60% recovery rate within 5 years. Which is the first time I've heard something like this from a pysch. He was basically saying it isn't my fault, it is obviously a biological-chemical-physical disorder but it is possible to learn to manage it and live a fulfilled life.

So that was insightful and helpful. Then I went for a quick walk and got the bus home, only to run out of the door with G (doggie) into the snow. We were out for 2 hours, surprisingly neither of us was cold, thank God. I love the cold weather so I'm constantly out in it. Not when it's chucking it down but when it's crisp and windy and the sun is shining, I love it! All the Welsh hills and mountains are white and it's a beautiful sight. The snow around our area is still pretty deep and there is more on the way. I'm just glad we don't live up North. My thoughts are with you guys who do :-(.

Went to the supermarket this evening and bought myself some snack foods. I guess sometimes they would be binge foods but tonight I have been SO SO good, I had one portion of flapjack instead of the whole tray. I also made a super healthy dinner to fill myself up before I had any snacks, so that even if I did binge it wouldn't be so terrible.

All in all, a very happy day. I think I need sleep now; my eyes are closing as I type!

Good night all x

Monday, 29 November 2010


Dear dear dear.

Not doing so great right now with getting through the evenings. I had a MAJOR bingeing session last night. Like MAMMOTH. I'm feeling the effects today, bigtime. I couldn't even get up to walk the dog. Sugar fog. Totally.

So I'm TRYING to give my body a break from sugar. Basically I am a sugar freak; I probably get most of my calories from sugar. So I'm trying trying trying my best today. I haven't caved as of now. I am taking it by the hour. If I give up then at least I made it part way. I'm in NO WAY hungry, in fact I'm super stuffed from last night, but I still want my sugar fix. Yummy. I have to tell myself it's for my own good, it triggers me bigtime, plus my teeth are falling out and really damaged. Sugar is the culprit. And vomiting, obviously. Why not kill two birds with one stone? I have been cooking beautiful meals and they are really healthy, so this evening I have a gorgeous stew to look forward to. Let's hope I make it there.

I'll write more later. I feel drained.

Peace x

Sunday, 28 November 2010


Anyone else's family have something to do with their weight?

I know that mine did.

When I was about 10 I put on a little puppy fat. I have notes I wrote to myself at that time with diet plans I'd devised, encouraged by my parents. I was encouraged to feel like it was not acceptable to be overweight, and that I should have the willpower to resist food, that I should learn to control what I ate. My mother's eating habits are very controlled. She has eaten the same breakfast and lunch pretty much EVERY day since I was a child (I am 26), and the dinner would always be on a rotation, 7 different meals for the 7 days of the week...even when I go home for holidays it's the same as when I was 5 years old...still salad on a monday...

At the same time I had a father who cooked and cooked and stuffed us (my sister and I) full of food. He was big into massive portions, so much so that even with four of us (two of them children) for dinner he normally cooked 1kg spaghetti and 600g mince. Imagine! Obviously we always felt guilty for leaving food, whilst simultaneously feeling guilty for overeating. I remember constantly scorning myself for my lack of self control. To be thin was something I would do if I could only improve my strengh of character, change my personality. I was weak. I couldn't resist.

Typical breakfast with my Dad was 2 slices of buttered toast, can of spaghetti with melted cheese, fried egg on top (aged 10)! I distinctly remember eating bags and bags of crisps and sweets in one day as a child, often stuffing myself. We were spoilt with many trips to McDonalds, a lot of takeaways...always a treat, always a comfort, always something when Mummy was 'tired' and wanted something easy to shut us up.

Otherwise, my mother was very rigid and strict with us. We couldn't have sugary cereal with Mummy, with Daddy it was huge bowls of Frosties or Coco Pops. Dad would buy us bumper bags of sweets while Mum would moan about our weight. My sister was chubby too and I know we both have the same issues now. Funny hey?

I remember my Mum and Dad always arguing in front of us over food. How much we should be getting, what not to eat, my Dad insisting we were kids and should be indulged, my Mum getting us to eat grapefruit and Allbran for breakfast. Mum was pretty tight on portion control...Dad went overboard at every meal...3 burgers, a whole can of baked beans, cheese, a whole plate of chips. All for one ten year old. You can see the problem? He was a big fan of pie with icecream with cream poured on top so that it hardened and cracked. I guess what kid could resist such a party? My Dad would get so offended and get a hurt look on his face if we rejected his food. As teenagers we obviously became more and more health conscious, asking for semi-skim milk, buying healthier snacks, using less oil and butter....we started refusing the food my Dad would cook. For me this was very hard. Partly because I didn't want to upset him, partly because it tasted so good and made me feel good. I guess that's why I started skipping meals in the day and throwing up...so that I could eat his food and make him happy.

Hurtful comments that you are 'fat' and 'chubby' and 'heavy' and 'pig-like' from your relatives are not great. But I think what really stuck with me was the two conflicting ideals that came from my parents...which way was I to go? Who was I supposed to please? Why did I have to choose?

Well, here we are, many years later and I still fight the battle between restriction and over-indulgence day after day. Will I ever be free?

Anyone else have experiences to share on this? Interesting stuff.


Ah, today. More ups and downs. What's new?

Well lots of arguments in the house, followed by apologies. I won't go into detail - just domestics as usual. I guess this is why people don't generally last living together. Sometimes I just think we are SO impossibly different that how could it ever be harmonious? It always ends in spite.

In other news, picked up a great book yesterday and had the time to swallow it whole. I finished it earlier and it was fabulous, best I've read in a while. If you're interested, it was One Day by David Nicholls. Walked the dog in the snow and fell on my arse many times; it is SO mega icy here it's lethal. I am worried about having to take him alone this week, especially as there is more freezing weather, strong arctic winds and more snow. Great. Makes for fun walking weather.

Pretty good day food wise so far. But then it always is until night. Then it goes rapidly downhill. Currently I am battling the 'full' feeling from having had dinner, an ice lolly and some chewy sweets. I struggle so much not to binge when I feel uncomfortably full. Even though I haven't binged or even overeaten. I just love being hungry and HATE being full. Must work on this!

So this evening, major avoidance of bingeing. Maybe I'll start another book.

I might post again later.

Oh and A BIG THANKS to all the commenters on my last post - I will respond asap x

Saturday, 27 November 2010


Well today has been pretty good, considering.

Last night I binged. SO BADLY. The biggest binge I've had in months, and I purged a lot. In fact, I kept eating so much that I was sick without my own assistance, TMI sorry! So I ended up going to bed clutching my tummy with a bowl by the bed. Luckily I didn't need to use it.

So what happened? I don't know. I was in a miserable mood because inside of going down to the clinic to take my Antabuse, I bummed around the house for the whole afternoon/evening, and pretty much all of the time thinking in the back of my mind that bingeing would help SO much. Of course it brought the comfort that I was craving for all of five minutes, before I felt really ill and like absolute shit. Obviously last night I didn't manage to pull myself out of the chaos. Felt like it went on forever and I was exhausted and so emotional afterwards.

Imagine me, there I am on the bathroom floor, hunched over the toilet, tears streaming from my eyes and snot from my nose from the force of vomiting. Not washed in days, my hair pulled back out of my face, my sleeves pulled up. In the mirror I look a mess. My face is white, swollen puffy red eyes, raw throat, sore knuckles. Plus that utterly consuming craving to do it all again.

What's the deal with that? You binge, purge, feel so awful even in that moment that you swear you'll NEVER do it again. Five minutes later your hungry, hollow again and the stuffing recommences. How messed up is that?

So that was last night. Obviously I woke up feeling bad. Like really bad. Sick, headache, can't face the light and the noise, aching all over...basically like a bad hangover. A sugar hangover. The worst.

I felt better gradually, hauled myself out of bed, cleaned, played piano, walked the dog. Ah, a good day, the calm after the storm. Went to the supermarket and got lots of fresh produce. Tonight I am cooking pan-fried rainbow trout, stirfried veggies with egg noodles, sweet chilli sauce and a side salad. Get my veggies in, hey?! Yum. Can't wait.

Hopefully I will cope a little better tonight. I haven't eaten today (yeh, I know), a couple of hard candies...so I'm crossing my fingers that dinner won't trigger a binge. Last night that's definitely what set me off. I was arguing with myself for HOURS about whether to eat dinner, and what to eat. I wasn't at all hungry but had hardly eaten, so thought I should. I had a curry, not a massive portion, but I think I would have been better off with fruit and cereal, something that wouldn't fill me up so much. I felt so gross, so full, panicky...you got it. Binge time.

So tonight, a yummy but really healthy dinner and then chill out in front of the TV and read some blogs for support. I'm ok, I'm doing ok. I can get through this.

In other news, it snowed last night so today was gorgeous, picture postcard British winter. I forgot my camera on the walk which was such a shame because the sunset was amazing. I'll remember it tomorrow and try to post some pictures.

I seem to have figured out the right combination of laxatives to take to get things moving in a good direction... yuck I know but I can't stand that bloated, over-full feeling that I've had for weeks now. It's very triggering to have a stomach like a football.

Thankfully things at home are ok. Still arguing, but who doesn't? Apart from that I love that secure feeling I get knowing that I have a home to go to. It still surprises me sometimes. I have had so many years of being tossed around, feeling unwanted. Finally I am somewhere safe from the people who chose to defile my body and invalidate me in every way as a human being. I'm sure you guys know where I'm coming from. I understand the staying overweight/underweight to avoid looking attractive/sexy to men. It's a scary prospect. I hate that I trigger that response in males. It makes me vulnerable and scared, a rabbit in the headlights, loss of control, anxious, fearful... thank God I don't have to go there at the moment. The man I'm with is the first to respect my body and my sexual boundaries, and we have a pretty much platonic relationship in many ways. We rarely take each other to bed, and he totally respects the fear that it provokes in me. At the same time it is his choice too. He is older and not at all pushy and opportunistic in bed like most people I've been with. I guess he's taught me that it's ok to say no, it's ok to respect yourself enough NOT to let it happen. To have the power to walk away.

Thank you to all of you who continue to support me. It really does help. You guys rock :-). Feel free to share my blog around, let's build a big community support network and get ourselves out there rockin' the world.

Keep smiling. Until next time x

Friday, 26 November 2010


I feel utterly drained today.

In other news, it's snowing! Heavily. I took G out this morning for a long walk in the bright sunshine and just as we collapsed through the front door it started sleeting. That was about four hours ago and it is now white outside.

I love the snow in principle, but not having a car and having an energetic dog makes it a nightmare. I have to constantly be getting sopping wet and changing my clothes, and worse is that G HATES getting wet, so he spends his walks whining and looking miserable. Yet if I don't walk him he's crazy mad energy wise in the house and he knows how to wind me up.

We don't have access to the back of the house from the side so when I bring a soaked, dirty, muddy dog in it's to our tiny hallway and kitchen, which has brown walls from his love of drying himself on them! I feel like all I do is sweep up and mop up after him! Little bugger. Of course it's worth it though.

The forecast for tomorrow looks ok, so hopefully my OH will come on a long walk with me. We got a camper van last April and he's a bit nervous with the icy weather coming about driving it. It's got a massive engine and is heavy and because we had 4 wheel drive on the last vehicle he's anxious. I'm sure it'll be fine. Just have to drive a bit more carefully. Last year we had to rev the car on four wheel drive and literally drag it up the hill out of our road, and a load of people with smaller cars were snowed in. I live in Wales so it can get pretty snowy here. Originally I'm from down South where it hardly snows, and when it does it's melted the same day.

So today has been pretty lazy. I've done some weights, but not a good enough amount. I slept after I walked the dog, which I don't normally do. I am worried I have an infection somewhere because I'm just so tired all the time, and because my white blood cell count was low. Hopefully it'll either show itself or I'll start to feel better.

Have upped the laxatives and toilet troubles are not QUITE as bad, although I still have a football for a belly. I look about three months pregnant! My weight is stable, but I'm having a hard time balancing eating right and not bingeing. Like last night, I ate a whole bar of white chocolate and didn't feel too terrible, but it set off the binge urges majorly. I ended up getting out of bed and going downstairs for bombay mix. Luckily I waited before I succumbed to it and I didn't have any in the end. Thank god for resisting temptation. I'm seriously thinking about bingeing tonight. Argh. I guess it's because I'm tired and cold and my body hurts. I just want to comfort myself. Ah, pity party....need a kick up the backside!

Christmas is coming! I'm doing well with my shopping, I already have quite a few family members covered. Hopefully I will get it done before the MAD rush starts. It's already murder in the supermarket at the weekend and as usual they've shifted all the aisles to make way for Christmas and noone can find their regular food. It's chaos! Grr. And I HATE food shopping, I get so mad like I've got road rage and start muttering things about people and growling. I am not fun to be with! Usually I send OH off to look at DVDs and I shop on my own. Then there's less arguments and WW3 is averted.

Well, enough for now, I'm checking out as OH will be home soon and I'm off to make some tea.

Love x

Thursday, 25 November 2010


Sorry for the lack of updates. I feel like I have been mega busy and exhausted in the evenings, so no time to update. In reality I'm probably just avoiding focusing on myself. It's easier that way.

So things are pretty ok. I've been really busy going to appointments and walking the dog. It sounds like it doesn't take up much time but because I don't drive a 15 minute appointment often takes me 3 hours to do, and walking the dog is anything between 1 1/2 - 3 hours, because I have to walk him to and from the reservoir as well. So I'm very active right now. Which is cool because we've been having the most wonderful weather. Brisk winds, blue skies, hot sun. Perfect. Frosty and cold in the shade yet blissfully warm in the sun. It makes me want to spend all my days walking outside. The dog loves it too. He can run forever without getting too hot or too cold/wet/miserable.

Weight wise - doing pretty well. Got weighed at the doctor's today and I was exactly the same as two weeks ago. Obviously mixed feelings. But I have been eating much better and trying hard not to lose weight. I know how quickly things get out of control and right now I feel much calmer and less worried about the whole ED thing. Not perfect, but a BIG improvement.

Things are much better at home too - I'm not so depressed so I'm in a better place to have company, although I haven't played live for a while and I keep avoiding it. I think it's just because when I haven't sat down all day and my joints are killing me, I just want to cuddle up and watch TV, not drag my keyboards out in the freezing cold and get home in the early hours exhausted and feeling like shit. Sometimes I think I should get a part-time day job and take the pressure off gig wise. I have periods where I enjoy it, but my physical health is making it hard.

Found out today that my white blood cell count is low - slightly concerning as there is no apparent reason for it. I have been very tired lately. Hopefully it'll go back to normal, it's not as though I've been treating my body that well lately.

I'm meeting up with a guy I met in hospital tomorrow who's an awesome guitarist. Hopefully we can jam together and write some cool stuff. New talent, new inspiration and all that.

Will make an attempt to post tomorrow...

Hello to my new followers :-) and yes, I have been SO rubbish with commenting lately but I have been reading. I am listening guys, and I do care.

Thanks for reading x

Thursday, 18 November 2010


Well today hasn't been so bad. I have been suffering from the most anxiety and negative thoughts than I have since I came out of hospital. I just feel very low and like I need to stay in control.

My way of achieving this today has been to exist on hard candy and an Ensure. Not the best diet but I feel like if I eat then it'll lead to a binge, and the less 'food' I put in my mouth the easier it is to stay on track. I guess I'm still getting nourishment and energy from the Ensure, and considering what I ate yesterday I could do with giving my body a break. But it's still a bit messed up. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I have a therapist appointment at 10. Usually seeing S makes me feel much calmer and happier. At the moment it feels like an uphill struggle and I am feeling so bloated despite all the laxatives. Not the best day. I just hope I can get to sleep soon and then I won't have to think about food or my body any more. It's pretty exhausting.


I want to reply to some comments because I'm guessing you guys are fed up of commenting and thinking I don't read them/read your blogs...I do, I'm just struggling to find words.

Balance is a hard thing to obtain in any aspect of life. I just worry cause your walking a thin line now. Just keep us posted xoxox

Ms. Chunky Chick - you're right, I guess now I'm punishing myself today for b/ping the last two days, and the scales are reflecting it. I'm retaining water, I took laxatives and so far am still bloated and full, so I guess I feel more depressed this way. All I keep thinking is that at this weight I am safe but if I lose I will be ill yet if I gain I will go mentally downhill. It's a tightrope.

I wish you all the best and strength to overcome your restrictive eating. Be kind to your body, it is the only one you'll ever get. (hugs)

In the Pink - Every day I remind myself why I need to stay strong - because I don't want to die, because I have so much to life for and I am so thankful to have a place on this Earth. It's precious and sometimes I just want to let all of this go and embrace what I could have. I think I am slowly getting there. Hopefully things will continue to improve in my lifestyle and it will motivate me to take better care of me.

You pretend you want to take the meds. You pretend you love yourself. In time, those things you were pretending become real and true. But you have to push yourself to step into territory that is scary and uncomfortable. If you chose to stay where you are, there are people who will try to help you and care for you. How much better would life be if YOU were the one driving yourself to improve and change?

amandakiska - thank you. I know you're right. My mum suffered from severe post-natal depression and one thing she told me was that she just had to get on with it, pretend that she was happy, pretend that she was ok, and then one day she woke up and she actually WAS ok, no pretence. Your words are very real to me.

Yes, it's shit isn't it? I don't think people realise unless they have been through it in the UK, but there is just nothing available, or you're on a waiting list for a couple of years.

Pixie - my therapist described living in Wales as being like living in a Third World country when it comes to mental healthcare. I wish it was different. I guess the only thing that it has taught me is that I have to take care of myself and take responsibility for myself, because ultimately I will be the only one who gives a shit about me. It's a sad fact but it definitely promotes self-preservation. It would be so nice to have the support I feel I need though. It can be a dark, lonely place struggling alone. My heart goes out to you for having to struggle through this wasteland...perhaps one day things will change. I pray that it will be in my lifetime, or that I can do something to be part of that change and allow future generations to get the treatment they need.

I want you so badly to be able to get proper care for all you current problems and going inpatient would be the best way for that. It sucks that isn't an option available to you. I wish you all the best Lady Laz. And take babysteps with the eating so you do not become too anxious.

In the Pink - again, thank you for commenting. It helps to know you're reading and thinking of me. Babysteps, yes...so right. I cannot believe I b/ped and am now having to deal with it on top of everything else. I am trying to move on and take today as a fresh day...it's all I can do to try and break that cycle. I know where it heads and it isn't pretty.

Thank you all for continuing to read and to offer your support. I appreciate it so much x


i binged two nights in a row.

nuff said.

Tuesday, 16 November 2010


So I saw my CPN H earlier. She's so adorable and I love her to bits, but it's hard seeing her when she knows as well as I do that even though I am sick and need specialist services, there is no chance of me getting that help. Where I live there is NOTHING, and out of area I can't get funded, I am still pushing and trying to get funding to go to a private residential centre....at the moment even getting into an ED treatment program would be a start, but around here it just doesn't exist. People like me are left to get so sick they need hospitalisation on a medical ward being tube fed, only to be dumped back on the mental health team with no follow-up support. Hence why the distress of the weight gain leads to starving, self harm, purging....all sorts of negative behaviours that would be dealt with properly as an inpatient in an actual therapeutic clinic setting. It's very frustrating and I understand that ultimately I am the only person who will look out for me and I simply have to try harder. I'm going to try and eat more...that's about as much as I can do right now.


I am not sure whether this has anything to do with my eating or if I have a cold, but yesterday I slept from 4.30pm until 9am this morning. I just got back from dragging myself around the park with the dog and I'm shaking. I didn't do well at all food wise yesterday, I had some Ensure intake but the only solid food I had was a banana. About the same so far today, a bit of fruit and Ensure. I'm going to have a proper dinner tonight.

I think the reason that my restriction is so severe is that I have seen no movement down on the scale. It's ridiculous because I know much of it is water retention and very much biological, and I don't NEED to lose more weight, in fact maintenance should be my goal. I guess I'm scared to be maintaining at the amount of food I'm taking in, because what happens when I eat more? I'm stuck.

Sunday, 14 November 2010


My periods have stopped again. When I was anorexic at 18 they stopped for 2 years, even after significant weight gain it took a long time for them to come back. Part of me couldn't care less, I mean what woman actually wants her period?! Another side of me has to acknowledge that this means trouble for my body. I know that it is not good news for my bones...or my fertility...

What to do? I managed to eat a decent portion of dinner. I guess because my stomach was so empty and I haven't eaten much today I don't feel too bad for eating. This battle is getting tough. I am honestly scared to gain weight.

I've been thinking a lot about labels...if I were to ask my CPN/therapist they would of course say I was anorexic. But I can't equate myself now with the anorexic girl that I used to be. I would say I am functioning to a high level and I am eating enough to sustain me. I guess I need to just keep my head above water because a little more weight loss and I think I'd have to admit the problem to myself and accept the treatment. As it is, I can't seem to do that. I seem to be too comfortable in my bubble.


Went into town today and bought a few things. I got a memory foam pillow because it was on offer, and I already have a mattress topper which is amazing and I can't sleep without pain anyway, so it really lessens the pain on bad nights. Bought some of my favourite licorice toffee, yummy. A new pair of jeans...I'm back in kids sizes, age 11-12. I don't really mind, I have never been big really, but I know I need to maintain my weight. I haven't done so well today; managed a bowl of Weetabix and a pear. I'll get there. I plan to have a proper dinner, pasta probably with meat. So I am trying I guess. Not hard enough, I know. But it's so scary to eat when I know that the scales will creep up because I have been starving myself. And it's hard to cope with the extreme water retention because the bloating makes me feel so fat and uncomfortable. I'm also suffering from bad reflux and nausea, so I am put off eating most of the time, in order to stop the symptoms. I wish it was a pleasurable experience but generally I feel crap for a couple of hours after I eat. Hence why I need to drink the calories. I haven't even managed one Ensure yet. It's a bit pathetic. Something has to change...I guess my thought process is going like this:

Have to maintain low weight, so can't eat more... don't want to eat more and gain weight because I like being thin and I feel calm and in control... am very good at looking in the mirror and seeing myself as big...knowing there is more weight to lose...worrying about my health and wanting to eat...scared to eat because I know my weight will go up...want to eat because I'm tired and cold and dizzy...don't want to eat because it makes me feel poorly and uncomfortable.

I don't want this all to end in an admission and a tube feed.


I guess I know it all, I know the solutions, I am just choosing not to look after myself. BAD BAD girl.

Enough for now x


Well I am going to try and update much more frequently again. I find sometimes I shut down my emotions and just go onto autopilot in order to survive, and in times like these it's hard to blog about how I feel and what's going on. However, I feel a bit more like writing today so we'll see.

The past week has actually been more than surprisingly good. I have been put on a new tablet called Pregablin (Gabapentin for you US readers) which is being prescribed for anti-anxiety. I have to say so far it's been a bit of a miracle drug. I am not crippled by anxiety, and I think I have got more done in the last week than I have in years. I've played four gigs, cleaned and sorted the house, continued to walk George, done a lot of my Christmas shopping, practised keys, pretty much haven't sat down. I am also off sleeping tablets for the first time in over a year. This is a pretty major achievement as the only reason I haven't come off them sooner is anxiety and fear over what would happen, and now the irony is I am sleeping better and feeling more refreshed for it.

So overall, really a better week than I could have possibly hoped for. I just pray that it continues. I even went and bought myself a little netbook so that I can start writing again, and have spent a lot of time this week in coffee shops attempting this... I'm kind of out of practice but I will get back there. It's time for me to start trying a bit harder to get some words out of me. I find it incredibly cathartic.

My boyfriend bought me a gorgeous necklace for an early Christmas present which is engraved with my drug allergies and also the fact that I am on Antabuse, in case of emergency. I think the major driving force behind having it is that every time I touch it I remember why I am striving to get better. I am actually attending supervised breathaliser tests and taking my meds this way three times a week, which means a lot of bus journeys and time spent but it also means I feel safer and more stable than I have in so long. As long as I'm on Antabuse I'm safe. I can rationalise my feelings and control my impulses - a big deal for such a severe self-harmer. I have to wake up every single morning and tell myself that I can NEVER drink again. It's the only way. What's the point in kidding myself that I could? It always, without fail, ends in disaster.

So I have written a lot about the positives and I think really there is only one area of concern at the moment, and that is my eating/weight/food issues. I lost weight in hospital and I will try not to mention too many numbers but my BMI is currently 16 and I am almost a stone down from my 'normal' stable weight. My periods have stopped again and I feel pretty exhausted, never mind looking gaunt. I have managed to maintain my weight this week but I'm still not doing so great eating wise. I've been put on Ensures and I'm struggling between my strong desire NOT to drink them, and the will to keep myself well so my life doesn't deteriorate in another way. As long as I don't lose more weight I'll be ok. I just need to remind myself that I do need to eat and take in enough energy to sustain myself long term. So that's the battle right now. I'll keep you updated. The last thing I want is to end up tube-fed or go in for refeeding. I need to keep it under my control yet maintain the balance between my negative thoughts and my positive actions. It's a struggle, always. Especially because I like being at a lower weight, I feel safe here and I feel in control, even though realistically this is far from the truth. I'll keep plodding on and keep you posted.

For now, thank you for reading and I promise to start commenting again on your lovely blogs.

Much love to you all, and to my new followers, welcome x

Saturday, 6 November 2010


Just wanted to say THANKS so much to all my followers and comment posters who care when they have no reason to other than connection and being human....so thank you.

And a big SORRY that I still have felt too unwell to post/read/comment. Argh.

I'll be back x

Thursday, 4 November 2010



Well, the thing is, I screwed up. MAJORLY.

19th October - Day after my 26th birthday and I drink. Get hysterical and end up in the mental health centre, attempting to explain myself whilst bashing my hand up and crying wildly.

Obviously as it is in my care plan not to treat me drunk, they sent me home, having notified the police that I may well need taking into custody in the night for my own safety.

Come the next day - I get kicked out by my OH for being such a twat. Proceed to go drunk to my appointment, cut myself REALLY badly in the toilets of my addictions treatment unit, go by ambulance to hospital...lose 2 pints of blood, go into shock, get 50 staples in my right arm.

Not fun.

Plus I still thought my OH had left me, so I went through all this alone.

Ended up being practically sectioned for 2 weeks, i.e. I'm informal unless I attempt to leave the building, in which case I will be immediately detained and sectioned.


I got home this afternoon and all I've done is cry. My weight is crap, I'm unstable, I'm depressed, I'm a mess...but I have to cope. My OH saved me and took me back. I HAVE TO MAKE THIS WORK. I HAVE TO.

So from now on, whatever happens with my life/weight/relationship/whatever....I MUST NOT DRINK.

I'm back on the Antabuse and it HAS to stay that way.

I'm sorry to you all out there who worried - I can't summon the energy to read/comment at the moment so massive apologies there. I will do when my brain is functioning slightly better.


Friday, 29 October 2010


Well thank you to all out there who cared enough to notice my absence. I'm writing this as an inpatient in a psych ward. Ended up cutting badly enough to lose 2 pints of blood and need treatment for shock, including bags of fluid. Luckily I'm ok.

I will be out of here Tuesday all being well. I don't have access to the internet really so I guess I'll update better when I'm free. Right now I cannot leave or I'll be sectioned. Fun, hey?

Hope you're all well xxxx

Monday, 18 October 2010


Ah, nice birthday but hard times.

Well I had a good day but I drank and I didn't let on. So now I feel guilty guilty guilty and scared that I'm going down a baaaaaaaaad road. I know this ALWAYS leads to serious trouble, and serious consequences. I need to get my head screwed back on and sort this mess out.

I'm shattered from drinking and not eating properly. When I drink I can't eat as much because if I let myself then I'll consume SO many more calories than I need, and I really can't deal with weight gain on top of everything else.

So I have another gig tomorrow night. Let's hope I can make it through the day without drinking.



Sunday, 17 October 2010



Had a nice day, it would have been marginally better if I'd eaten a little more. My blood sugar was low due to my lack of food, and considering I was shaky and faint it was hard going on our 3 hour walk. It was beautiful though and I did eat lunch. Since we got back I managed cereal for dinner.

I guess the reason I'm not eating so great is because my weight is REFUSING to budge downwards. I know this is because I'm pretty small anyway, and right now I don't have a lot of muscle, so I guess I'm not burning the amount of calories I'm taking in and then some. I'm not gaining but then again I wouldn't expect to at this level of eating.

So I'm kind of tossing up between major restricting or trying to maintain, which is possibly scarier because when I eat more I end up getting hungry more, and that triggers the urge to binge.

Argh, decisions!

So yeh, it's by birthday tomorrow and we went for the most gorgeous walk today and saw some cool waterfalls. The dog had an absolute blast, and I enjoyed it too, especially as there's a lot of really rough terrain so I got a good workout. I'm shattered now but in a good way, and tomorrow we're going shopping and for food so I have a nice day to look forward to.

I REALLY want to drink.

Oh, the gig last night went really great. It was awesome and I got offered another one Tuesday. Yay! I kind of hate that we never have a set list and I have to improvise on practically every song. It makes for really hard work and a lot of concentration. If I zone out for even a few seconds I'm in danger of not following what's going on, especially when I don't know the structure of the song.

I shall post more later, when I have more thoughts...

Friday, 15 October 2010


I'm feeling empty tonight. I don't understand why a lot of the time I feel this knawing, hollow pain inside of me, and no matter what I do, it bugs me constantly. When I say pain, I guess I mean mental, I guess I mean sadness and anxiety. Other than that, I'm just great.

On the food front? I managed one meal today. Hmmm. I'll prob have some cereal before bed so that I can sleep. I HATE sleeping hungry, I find it near impossible. Plus my body freaks out if my blood sugar drops, and then I'm struggling with nausea, sweating, shaking, racing heart....not good at night when I'm trying to relax.

At the moment I wouldn't say I'm deliberately restricting much, I'm just not hungry much and if I'm not I don't eat. So I guess that means my intake could be more, but my body just doesn't feel like food. Ever since I started on the pain patches I have definitely had less of an appetite and have lost weight. I keep thinking how cool it would feel to push my BMI down lower, like if it was a point lower I'd feel better. Obviously I know this is bull. If anything I'd feel like crap, tired with no energy, grumpy, cold...right now I'm still well and at a weight where I don't get sick because of it. I just need to stay here!

Anyway, enough rambling...more tomorrow x


So it's a beautiful day outside, wintery and crisp. Perfect walking weather. Me and my furry friend just got back from a great two hour walk. I think I managed to wear him out. He's asleep on my furry slipper boots right now. Anything to get close to Mummy's smell, hey?! Silly dog.

In other news, I'm feeling pretty good today. I ate pretty normally yesterday, as drinking makes me RAVENOUS, and I weighed the same this morning. I've been EXACTLY the same weight for days now. That never normally happens; for some reason my weight majorly fluctuates. Maybe my body is happy here.

It's a fine line right now between me being 'healthy' and 'slim' and 'gaunt' and 'skinny'. I mean, I'm probably a stone under the weight an average person my height would be. However, I have an EXTREMELY small frame, like my bones are teeny tiny and I do not carry weight well, as I am the classic pear shape despite being small.

So I guess I can't trust my own judgement. Yet I'm SO much more functional at this weight, I'm calmer, happier, more confident....I guess because being heavier means I'm using bingeing, which means I'm purging, which means I'm anxious and angry, and constantly frustrated with myself. Plus I isolate REALLY badly when I'm in B/P phases, because I can't stand the thought of other people knowing how much weight I've gained. And like I said, it shows very quickly on me. I don't carry weight well at all as a little person. God I want long, lean legs!

So it's my birthday Monday and my OH is working Saturday so he can take the day off and spend time with me. I hope we can go for a lovely long walk in the country and go out for dinner. That would be perfect. I need to go into town at some point - I haven't done any decent clothes shopping in AGES and I feel like being girly and traipsing around the shops on my own.

I guess it would be nice to have a close girl friend here. I isolated myself so totally during the last few shitty years that I literally have no close friends now. And I don't know how to make them. I'm not good at close relationships, I'm not great at getting out, I'm confident yet shy... go figure. I have acquaintances but noone I would even consider close enough to go shopping or for coffee with. That's pretty sad, because I know I'm good company when I'm well. I guess people always FREAK when they find out how unstable and self-destructive I can be. Plus obviously people judge me by the terrible scarring on my arms. It intimidates a lot of people. Luckily I'm not ashamed of them at all and don't cover them up. I guess it's because I want there to be more awareness of SH as an issue that is seen as shameful and something to be hidden. I know that some people would like to bear their scars but don't feel brave enough or safe enough to do so. Perhaps by showing that it's ok to do so I can promote a healthier image of the issue. I think it's surprisingly taboo, considering the extent to which drugs, alcohol and food are singled out by the media as aspects of self harm or self abuse.

This post has turned out long. I guess I talk more when I feel good. There is a lot that I want to write about at the moment. For now I'll go get tea and see how the day pans out. I should really be practising for Saturday's gig. Whoops.

Thursday, 14 October 2010


Oh and while I remember...

My weight is stable. Smile.
I'm eating. Smile.

Two ticks in the positive boxes.

Now to just convince my ED brain that I DO NOT need to lose X pounds in X amount of time or the world will implode.


I didn't feel much like blogging today because I knew I'd have to 'fess up to my awful night last night. It goes something like this:


So not fun.

Luckily for me my OH is AMAZING at forgiving me. It is heartbreaking to see that the trust he has in me right now when it comes to my alcoholism is pretty much ZERO. Who could blame him? But it sucks. I feel guilty, angry, frustrated, sad. At myself for allowing the demon to conquer me. I did SO well yesterday, nearly made it through...started drinking at 9pm.


I f*ing HATE it when I do it, I HATE the anxiety beforehand, I HATE the consequences...

Yet I still believe that drinking will make it all better, all go away, all numb.

Clearly not.

Missed my gig tonight because I was still throwing up. Lately whenever I drink I get really sick, I'm guessing because of the opiate based meds I take. It was a pretty yuck day.

So I have a BIG gig Saturday night and it's paid. Let's cross my fingers I stay sane and sober.


I know some of you may not understand, or may find my actions frustrating.

All I can say is that if you've lived it, you'll understand.

And me now, compared to me previously, is a WHOLE new person. I used to be MAJORLY messed up. I guess I'll share some fun stories with you guys to let you into my past soon. I think you'd appreciate my sarcastic humour when it comes to my own idiocy.

I really hope you guys all had a better day than me.

Let's just say that a mistake is not a mistake if you learn from it....

Pick myself up, dust myself off, start all over again x

Wednesday, 13 October 2010



So there are plenty of people out there with HEARTBREAKING, HEARTWRENCHING, physical diseases...

And they need support, love, encouragement.

Of course.

yet, to this day, I have not been able to acknowledge that I AM SICK.




Well. What can I say? I would LOVE to tell you all that today has been great and I have been perfect.

It would be SO EASY to say that.










THERE IS A REASON TO COMMIT. There is a reason to persevere, to succeed, to become more than a number on the scale.



Please, all of you that are scared and afraid and stuck, reach out.

It will make bearing my soul worthwhile.


Quick Question

Who out there finds pictures of SH scars triggering?

I know I did when I was deep in my destructive behaviours.


My sweet Mummy is the world's BEST baker in my opinion, and my childhood is filled with warm, crafty memories of needlework, claywork and BAKING with Mother!

What could be more comforting?

I adore my mother for teaching me to cook before I could talk. She was a stay-at-home mum and she had her share of challenges when I was little, but she was AWESOME at nurturing the creative in me.

I guess when I grew up as a middle-class child of the 80s, I had that experience of 'homemaker' but with the promise of a bright future.

My mum's mum died when she was 12 of breast cancer, and I cannot IMAGINE how hard that was for her to deal with growing up. Luckily she had a Nana to take care of her and her two sisters, but I think she was, as the eldest, expected to be the mother figure for the two younger siblings.

My mum has always been such a wonderful, healthy influence for me in terms of food and the nurturing, loving and compassionate bonding vessel it can be between two human beings.

I have vivid memories of her allowing me and my little sis to make our Mr Men biscuits (we had bright orange Mr Men shaped cutters) out of her left over pastry dough. Obviously we were allowed to help with the pie pastry too (cold hands, not too much flour, not too little, careful with the rolling pin), but sometimes it was best left to Mum, especially when she made her amazing almond pastry which is IMPOSSIBLY difficult to roll without cracking.

I have such fond memories of creating lemon butterfly cakes, jam tarts, mince pies, Christmas cake....gosh, including the year we discovered a layer of fluffy green mould on the Christmas pudding on Christmas Eve... only to rush out and buy a respectable one for the day itself!

I could write forever and ever on this post. It makes me warm and calm inside.

So how come, if my mother made food so beautiful and good, did I get sick from the fear of eating at all?!

I will come back to that one.

For now I'm simply enjoying and savouring my memories of precious childhood years with my amazingly wonderful mother.

So the point of this post is finally coming....

My mother has clearly taught me to bake (as well as to cook very well).

So I guess I don't need her now, right?

Well when she and my Dad came up yesterday, she brought me a Dorset Apple Cake for my upcoming birthday, on the solemn promise that I would eat it promptly!

Oh, the love, and the memories, and the nurturing instinct that is baked into that cake. Of course, it tastes WONDERFUL, but it symbolises SO MUCH MORE. Never mind that my OH has eaten most of it so fast that I thought I had a plague of angry mice :-). He is another big fan of my mother's cooking.

I feel like I owe my mother an apology.

She pretty much stopped baking for me and my sister around the time we decided we were 'too fat' for her food.

I know that hurt her.

I know she didn't make batches of mince pies every Christmas just to freeze them for guests.

I know she was sad when she didn't make a Christmas cake or pudding any more because there was 'no point'.

Both my sister and I have had MAJOR issues with food.

She is still very very underweight and I guess still in denial.

I am well, will eat her food every Christmas and remember why it matters so much.

But it must be crushing as a mother to have that food rejected by your beautiful babies, hey?

My baby sister is getting married in the Spring and I hope, so badly, that she gains some weight so that she can have a period on her own without the aid of pills....why!? Because I know she wants a family and I know that I would love to be an Aunt again one day soon.

I know this post won't make that much sense to many, but to me it is my mother's arms around me, and that's good enough for now.

Many thanks for reading x
I'm going to have a heartfelt outpouring, I can feel it coming on...bear with me!

I realise I have quite often posted my food and weight on here. Yet I often fail to identify with what is going on with my ED and how much of a grip it has on me sometimes.

Right now, and often, I feel huge. I feel bloated and uncomfortable and like I really don't want to face eating ever again.

Yet between these periods I battle the urge to binge when I am hungry, I worry about how to know how much food is enough, or not enough, or too much.

I struggle to 'sit' with feeling full at the moment without feeling guilty or anxious.

I freak if the scale moves upwards, feel happy if it goes down.

I have a 'goal weight' that is NOT healthy or realistic.


And they do...and get lately I have been struggling to keep my head above water. I am trying SO hard to not give in to my ED. To nourish my body, be grateful for all it does to keep me alive, and respect that the damage I've already done is too much. That I cannot afford to restrict. It is too dangerous for my heart, for my bones, for my poor, damaged body.

I have to remember WHY I worked SO hard for SO long to recover.

Yet I still sit feeling round and chubby and sad.

What am I really feeling?

Scared that my life is stalling
Scared that I will never fulfill my potential
Confused as to what the above means

Afraid that I lost my chance at having a soul mate

Scared to take the plunge
Scared to break away
Scared to grow up

What now?

Just Keep Swimming

I have decided that, for now, I shall keep numbers on my blog to a minimum.

I would never consciously want to trigger others by posting my weight or how much I've eaten.

I am having a hard time understanding my ED right now and my relationship to it.

I went a long time as severely anorexic from when I was around 18-20. Certainly, I had an eating disorder much younger but this was the most acute phase, medically. I was, at one point, given days to live. I wasn't allowed to go IP because their insurance wouldn't cover me. They called me a 'walking death wish'. So obviously my choice then was go into a medical ward for an NG and refeeding, then on to IP. OR, do something about it myself.

I guess I freaked, decided to eat, tried hard... gained weight.

Eventually, though, I let it slide out of control and before I knew it I was bulimic. Full blown, B/P sometimes 7 times a day. EXHAUSTED. At the higher end of my weight range and DOUBLE my low weight.

Well, obviously...it's been a long, hard road back to normality.

For the last couple of years I have managed to stabilise myself to the point where I have eaten normally and had fewer and fewer periods of B/P. My weight was in a healthy range...I guess I considered myself more or less 'recovered'.

Only, here's the thing. Honestly, I see myself slipping sometimes. More and more restriction, less bingeing (great!) but more obsessional, ED related thoughts and behaviour. I have lost weight, yes. But this is usually a cyclical thing. Normally I lose, then I B/P for a few months, then I lose...you get the idea.

This time, well what I'm saying is that I think I just have to keep myself in check. My BMI is just about normal, I look healthy according to everyone around me, I don't look underweight or anything. I just want to check my behaviours now before I let myself go too far down a dangerous road.

I don't want to start comprimising my life again just for the sake of a few pounds.

Luckily I'm not in that dark place, and I know I often feel like going down that road. These days though I have seen how beautiful and amazing life is when you actually FEEL it and LIVE it for real. And I can't ever let myself slip too far. I guess it's a matter of life or death.

Well my day was good. I had physio, I had a meeting with an outreach lady, I'm planning on going back to the gym and am starting hydro again soon. So, yes, a good day.

It's been damn tough though. I have had many opportunities to go to the shop on our street and buy drink. I've come close. But I have the power these days to talk myself down to reality and convince myself that I am SO MUCH BETTER OFF without it.

And of course I am.

I forgot how ravenous alcohol makes me...all last night and today I've been STARVING despite eating a ton of food. No wonder I lost weight when I gave up my late night drunken binges.

So, the plan for tomorrow...have a laugh at my own expense with my new exercise DVD (I just got the Jillian Michaels 30 day shred). Bit scared of it to be honest because I'm a wimp when it comes to exercise! I'm pathetically weak at the moment and that's the worst for my joint condition. So I'm going to kick my own butt tomorrow! Wish me luck!

One last word: Do any of you have a question you'd like to ask me about my life? If so comment and I'll respond, and ask you one back. A little getting to know you...getting to know me...

Love to you all x

The Morning After…

Thank you all so much for your support and your kind words. You have no idea how much it helps me to pick myself up with those statements in my mind.

This morning I got up and made myself pretty. I have a full day and I don't feel too terrible from my drink-fest so hopefully I can get myself back on the straight and narrow and put it behind me.

I thought I should explain that when I said I was still sober yesterday evening, it was a subjective degree of soberness....

Meaning that I had been relatively drunk but still able to function and not SEEM drunk all day. Rather than crying/slurring/passing out drunk that normally happens when I drink that much in one go.

I am so damn glad I began to write this blog. Today is a good day.

The dog is standing over me looking over my shoulder at my post - I guess it doesn't matter if he knows I drank hey?! He's good at keeping secrets.

Love to you all x

Tuesday, 12 October 2010


I will confess that today, no, I didn't do so great.

Seems ironic given my last few posts.

To put it simply:

My parents visited today.

I bought half a litre of vodka

to drown out the pain

drank it all

that's where I am right now.

It's sad, yes. The saving grace is that I spaced it out so much that I am still sober.

The worst part? I let myself down bigtime.

Luckily, I am the only person close to me that knows.

Neither my parents nor my OH know I've had a drink...

To some of you this may seem dishonest

But if you knew that you'd have nowhere to sleep tonight or for the immediate future if you told the truth, would you do so?

Perhaps you would. Perhaps you'd like to think you would.

But I've been there before.

I've had nowhere to go.

I've had noone.

And it's freakin scary stuff.

So right now, I'm going to forgive myself for using alcohol to numb the pain/fear/stress that comes from seeing my family.

And I shall wake up sober tomorrow and continue my abstinence.

Maybe to some of you this is not brave.

Perhaps I seem hypocritical.

But I believe that the difference between me now and the 'alcoholic' me is that I can admit my mistake, be sorry for it, accept that I did wrong, and learn from it...

Most importantly, I will wake up tomorrow EVEN MORE DETERMINED to stay sober and back on the track to the life I want to lead.

This does not have to end in tears.

I'm sorry if there are bloggers out there who believe I am in the wrong,

But to you I say that it is harder to ADMIT to your mistakes and learn from them, than to believe that you are perfect and continue to live a blinkered life.

Love to you all,

L x

Sunday, 10 October 2010


Isn't it sick the things we do to ourselves when we no longer care? When our goal is fighting the self-destructive urges 24/7?

EXAMPLE: Burning yourself SO badly *full thickness* and in a compromising place *lower arm and hand, over the wrist joint* because you knew it would involve a skin graft operation, and you wanted one because you were bummed that they refused last time as it was self-inflicted?

Isn't that just so awful and sick and quite sad?

Yet at the time it was exciting, thrilling, numbing... attention....love....compassion.

Oh so much fear, so many tears.

I am forgiving myself.

But I will never forget.

And I am sorry to all those that suffered alongside me as witnesses to my pain.

Be thankful, whatever life brings x



Did I mention I love the wind? Only when I'm inside and it's not with me. Strictly to observe it reek havoc and play with the outdoors as though cars were made of plastic and street signs of paper.

Gotta love it. So long as the roof sticks good to the house.

I'm gonna catch me some wind vibes.

Laters x


1. I AM IN CONTROL OF MY ACTIONS - I cannot tell you how scary it is to wake up in the morning with amnesia and find out you have a broken hand, are black and blue and have a concussion from thrashing around and screaming like a murderous psycho for six hours in the psych room of A&E.

2. I HAVE A HOME AND A FAMILY - The threat of being kicked out is so REAL when I drink. My personality turns into a total evil psycho bitch and it has in the past led to BAD things...more of those stories another day. My OH WILL eventually leave. He has threatened too much for it not to be real. I have been on the phone to emergency social housing before, I have been left in the middle of nowhere 3 hours from home, I have been in an ambulance solo countless times.

3. I CAN CONTROL MY IMPULSES - I have not self-harmed sober in a year. The last time I did SH I nearly died. I cut through muscle and veins in my wrist and lost 3 pints of blood. I don't remember a thing except waking up in resus being told I needed a blood transfusion. More stitches, more family trauma, more threats of abandonment from my OH. I won't go on.

4. I DON'T WAKE UP FEELING LIKE DEATH - A blessing to get out of bed at a decent hour without puking, having the runs, shaking uncontrollably or having the worst headache in the history of the world. Also, I have a heart problem that is WAY exacerbated when I'm drunk/hungover to the point where it freaks me out bigtime.

5. NOT BEING TERRIFIED TO GO TO SLEEP AT NIGHT FOR FEAR OF DYING - Alcohol, Morphine, Benzos...every night an overdose, a litre of vodka....bad.

6. NOT COUNTING DOWN EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY UNTIL I CAN DRINK, OR LIE TO OH ABOUT HOW MUCH/WHEN. Probably the saddest thing is the deception. I was a devious little bugger and the word 'trust' is still a dodgy one in our house.

7. NOT BEING SO DESPERATE FOR DRINK THAT WHEN I DRANK VODKA STRAIGHT AND PUKED IT UP I DRANK THE PUKE TO GET THE ALCOHOL IN ME. What can I say? Most of the time I cried when I was drinking it because my insides were already burning and messed up totally from the incessant drinking. My liver would scream and my stomach would be on fire and yet I still drank on.

8. BEING ABLE TO LIVE - the joy of being spontaneous, having the energy and desire to have fun, to go for long walks, to read, to journal, to make music.

9. HAVING FRIENDS THAT I DON'T FREAK OUT/PUSH AWAY. Alcoholics are lonely, isolated people. Primarily because they lie and shout and do idiotic, impulsive things. I lost SO many friends who just couldn't deal with me anymore. They reached their limit. My OH was the ONLY person to truly remain my rock.

10. HAVING A FUTURE. Looking forward to the experiences of life I have waiting for me, instead of living in a drugged fog where everything I did was aimed at getting the next fix. For once I have a chance of being able to look further forward than a few weeks, with a realistic chance of being alive and sober.

Just thought I'd share....any other experiences from you bloggers you'd like to add?

Addiction Sucks. Recovery Rocks.

Peace x


I thought that for once, as promised, instead of trudging through my dreadfully boring day-to-day existence, I will explain some of how I came to be in this position...FLASHBACK ALERT!

Think back to the year 1999... I was at the tender age of fifteen. The same year that I started having the dreaded 'curse' each month, or there abouts. I also started stressing more and more about why I was unpopular, chubby, ugly...you know the sort of banter that goes on in a pubescent girl's head.

I was ALWAYS an anxious kid. Everything made me freak out. These neuroses came from my mother, I swear. Silly things like we had to dry our hands before touching light switches so we didn't get a shock, we had to use a separate pan to boil eggs because the shells released deadly toxins....I really don't know how I didn't just sit in a corner and shake like a nervous wreck.

So how does that relate to my teenage troubles? I guess it just meant that I was very on edge and terribly self-conscious. Because I was constantly criticised and rejected at home, I felt like my entire circle of peers was doing the same. Of course it didn't help that I was murderously bullied.

Actually, the worst bullying incident I remember happened when I started college (age 17). Our college was across the road from a park, and sometimes we would skip class to go hang out there. Now, a gang of my supposed 'friends' thought it would be a great idea to torture me by wrapping me head to toe in duct tape, put me on the roundabout and leave me there to rot. As you can imagine, it was a pitiful sight and I have NEVER been so mortified in my life, considering these people who called themselves friends never bothered to come back. God, I cringe even thinking about how hard it was to hold back the tears while the only friend that stayed around pushed herself to me in her wheelchair and untied me. I feel so embarrassed even writing that story out....but it goes a way to explaining how alone and pathetic I was in my teenage years. Insecurity sure is a curse.

Anyway...back to school days. I got in with a bunch of kids who, like me, were pretty messed up about the world and how it had treated them. I had always 'hurt' myself for attention as a kid, without realising what it really meant. I would scratch myself or pour hot water on my arms so mummy and daddy would take notice and make me better. I would pretend to be ill ALL the time so I didn't have to go to school, and succeeded to the extent that in the year of my GCSEs my attendance was 30% and I was taking taxies to and from school. Anxiety riddled wasn't the word.

So yeh, I guess I knew from a young age that physical pain takes away the hurt inside and gets you love and attention from people who rarely give you what you need. I think this may have been a phase if I wasn't in said group of misfits. There were the abused kids, the bitter-alcoholic-single-parented kids, the poor kids. And I got really big time sucked in to their ways. Pretty much all of us had some kind of ED or were self-harming.

I remember the first time I seriously did it for real. I had contemplated it for months, agonised over it, wanted it to help for me like it did for my friends. So I took a compass and carved lines into my arms. I guess at the time it felt good. It took away some of the hurt and abandonment and deep, aching loneliness that a mucked up teenager goes through.

I'll leave the cutting there for now...don't want too many freak outs at once!

But I guess I should say that the summer of that year, before my final year in school, I was SO anxious (repeat pattern of 8 year old kid) that I couldn't swallow and I lost a ton of weight. When I went back to school in the autumn I was suddenly liked MUCH more. I guess being the fat kid really does suck.

Problem was, even though I had better friendships, I was still messed up at home every night and I guess I had already begun a cycle of starving myself and using physical pain to block out how hopeless I felt.

Cue Prozac, the cure-all for depressed kids, right? Well. Not really in my case but I took it faithfully. Still do.

I guess with all this mess around me I decided the one thing I would NEVER do is get fat. So I freaked out over my weight, dropped out of college and concentrated on my weight loss full time. Sad, hey?

Needless to say by the winter of 2003 I was down to around 68lb (pretty near dead) and was given days to live.

Now bear in mind that my loving parents had not mentioned ONE WORD to me about how terrible I looked, how I never ate, how when I wore 4 layers of clothing I was still a bag of bones.

I guess they stuck their heads WAY in that sandpit.

In a fit of craziness I prayed, and it came to me that if I didn't leave I would die. I remember being crawled in a ball on my bedroom floor sobbing because the pain my stomach was SO bad. I was GREY. It was scary, really scary. My hair was falling out in clumps, my periods had stopped, I had lanugo on my body. I had scars and bruises all over my back from obsessively exercising in my room.

I will still never forget how absolutely near death I was. I was so weak I could barely walk, let alone DO anything. Any movement made me exhausted. Like, the deep down, aching, painful tiredness like when you've just trekked all day and night in the snow. And did I mention the cold? Blue nails, blue lips...white fingers.

Enough. Back to my crazy escape - I packed my bags and flew to Australia to stay with my Aunt.

I will never forget the awful look of sadness on my father's face at the airport. He knew how sick I was, deep down, he just didn't know how to express it. His eyes told me he thought I'd die trying, I'd never come home...

This feels very convoluted and is pretty draining so I will pick up where I left off next time... at Heathrow waiting to board a Boeing 747 Singapore Airlines flight to Perth.

Oh and...

Oh, and another thing, how can it be that when I am lower in weight than usual I feel bigger than ever? My trousers fell down in public today. Damn.

One of those conundrums I will never solve. Maybe having a balloon of a belly isn't helping, hey.

Here's to a *number two* event.


The only two things I've managed to get down me today - left over pasta sauce from last night's bolognaise, an apple and some sweets.

Rubbish, hey? Let me explain. When I was a full-blown bulimic I had terrible IBS and would often get bad cases of rush-to-toilet-or-else syndrome. Then of course my bingeing merged with the new-found joys of alcoholism and I found myself living on the loo in the mornings. As any alkie will tell you, not pleasant. How can your excretions smell SO much of vodka!? Eww. Makes me feel queasy thinking about all that time I passed trying to hold my breath whilst getting it over as fast as possible...TMI?!

So after all the drama of my ED and drink-induced bad bowel habits, I finally started to get regular and happy in that department. It's funny how things go in waves, hey? Just when I thought I might actually be NORMAL in one, small, private department...my doctor put me on a Morphine-based painkiller.

When people spy a patch on my chest/back/arm and ask me what it may be, and after I've told them, No, I'm really not trying to quit smoking, I tell them it's morphine and they go all funny-eyed and pass comment on the unpleasant *cough* 'constipation that seems to be an all-too-well-known side effect in my social circles.

Awkward hey?! I suppose it diverts attention away from the other questions about WHY I need pain drugs...which inevitably lead to me repeatedly spelling out the name of my condition, or shouting it in peoples' ears at the pub. It really irks me when they then proceed to tell me utterly brave I am, and how utterly terrible and crushing it must be to live like that...well, no, not really?! I have legs and arms and they work, don't they?! Funnily enough they don't talk to the guy in the wheelchair next to me at all. Strange how the world works.

So, today. Good in that I didn't do anything bad. A bit boring, actually. I suppose the dog getting me up at an ungodly hour to go for a pee was the highlight of the day, especially as we were both shivering and sleep-walking our way around the block. The sun hadn't even bothered to get out of bed. I swear Sunday mornings are like a ghost town where I live. Tut.

Anyway, then me and said dog retreated upstairs under the covers for a good few more hours, and woke up to glorious sunshine (hooray!). Unfortunately, my joints are being sucky today so OH took the dog out to play without me, boo. We did get out briefly to run a couple of errands, but otherwise it has been a hermit day. I have read too many blog posts, watched too much TV and felt increasingly bloated and uncomfortably about my football belly that REALLY needs to get moving! Just took some of the dreaded sugary-syrupy bowel mover medicine. Yum. It really is stupidly sweet. I generally hold my breath and swallow a gallon of water on top of it. I don't mind sugar but I hate sweet drinks. Even 'real' Coke sets my teeth on edge. Yuk.

My parents have decided to pay a VERY spontaneous visit on Tuesday *as in, only told me yesterday and have given me NO time to clean/tidy/sort out the mess that is our house*. Dear dear, it would be so much nicer if they warned me well in advance. Last time I stressed so much about my darling mother staying overnight that I spent WAY too long ironing the bedsheets (something I have never attempted in my entire life, before or since), only to have my mum in hysterics that I would think of doing something so daft. I probably would have been a better host had I remembered to get food and supplies in the house - as it was, we ate out. God bless parents and their supply of cash for such emergencies.

Been very quiet on the gigging front, and my amp is still broken, despite a desperate last ditch attempt to repair it today with a new part. I have conceded that I shall have no choice but to send it back for repair. I've had it a month, jeeeeeeeeez! What else could possibly go wrong in musical-instrument-land?! Well, my new keyboard has a sexy flight case that was custom made and I bought on Ebay for a scandalously good price. Thank the lord, as it would have cost me about £350 new, and I paid around £85 including postage. Bargain! It still adds up to around 36 kilos of dead weight though. Bearing in mind that's about 8 kilos less than me. Ouch. Heavy. Good job the band is made up of three males plus one weak, pathetic female, so I get away with murder when it comes to batting my eyelashes and looking useless in the strength department.

Tomorrow, then....dog walk, clean, clean, clean! Countdown begins. T minus 36 hours. Help!

Oh, and I reckon if I don't have babies I should be allowed at LEAST one more adorable doggy to ease the pain! I'm working on it...

Although G is SO my baby, don't think he'd take it so well.

Night all x

Saturday, 9 October 2010


I have had a really lovely day. It's not often I say that with entire sincerity. It's usually something I tell other people so I don't appear miserable, or something that I try to convince myself of when I'm trying hard to be positive. But today, NO effort, just felt happy!

I LOVE it when this happens. It makes me kind of sad that I am missing out on so much by having so many days where I DON'T feel like this - and what would my life by like if I had more days like today?

Well I guess I have to find out why today was so good...I got up on the right side of the bed?!

I managed to get my OH's new jacket and fleece in colours that really suit him, and we both bought new waterproof gloves for the coming wet weather. I got some waterproof socks too as last winter I kept pinching his! So we're kitted out for the winter. We both already have a ton of hiking and wet weather gear for going up mountains etc, but I can always find excuses to buy more!

Tomorrow hopefully we'll take the camper van to the waterfalls and spend the day walking. We can set up and have tea and something to eat then, so we have no rush to get home. The dog always has a ball too. Can't wait!

So much for the good weather though...it's been grey and blowing a gale all day!

Food wise? Good. Had quite a few sweets and two pieces of fruit (to balance out lol) and I made a gorgeous spag bol for us both tonight, packed full of fresh veggies. I have to say I cook yummy food when I can be bothered. Lately I have been having cereal for dinner way too much, and I used to cook from scratch every day. Must get back into the habit because it feels great to eat better.

I don't know if you guys across the pond get 'Come Dine with Me' on TV but I swear I'm addicted and they have just uploaded new episodes online on the 4OD website. It's a show where different people each night host a dinner party for a group of people they haven't met before the start of the week. Needless to say they deliberately mismatch personalities and there are always fireworks, coupled with a lot of disastrous food and bad behaviour! I know there is an Aussie version but don't know if you Americans and Canadians get it over there? It's highly entertaining if you like watching the public wind each other up!

Anyway, living in Wales will become wetter from here onwards...the autumn has set in and if last winter is anything to go by, we shall be facing snow for months to come. Brrr!


Today is a great day in La La Land...

I don't know why and I'm not complaining, but I woke up feeling GREAT today, positive and motivated. Have already been out with my OH on a dog walk. Nearly got blown away in the miserable weather - the forecast was 22 degrees and sunny....it's probably 14 degrees and grey. Whoops! Good job we didn't end up going camping.

Do I'm off to do some necessary shopping...I was pissed because it was my OH's birthday last week and I ordered a really nice new Berghaus jacket and fleece. He is ALWAYS a size M and omitted to tell me that in this particular brand he is a size S lol. So one company will take the fleece back but I lose £10 on postage charges, and the other £75 jacket I have had to put on Ebay at a significantly reduced price. So we're off to a local outdoor shop to REbuy these items in the right size! Oh dear... lots of money and time wasted, but I want him to have what he wants, lol, he's pretty small and looks ridiculously swamped in the size I got. Next time I'll have to make it a non-surprise...

Hence why I hate clothes shopping for men - why oh why do they refuse to use dressing rooms?!

I also need to go to the Post Office to send the fleece back, and get my prescription dispensed. Busy day - then it's time for a jam session to get our shit together.

Weirdly I seem to feel bigger than I did a few months ago, despite being significantly smaller. My weight spooked me this morning.... 6.6.6. Oh dear! Creepy. Bad omen!?

I'm having a happy day. Isn't it great when that happens?

Thank you to all who commented about numbers. I am still mulling that over .

Friday, 8 October 2010


Today was much better.

Just wanted a quick opinion from you other bloggers out there - do you think it's appropriate for me to post numbers/lists of food on my blog? Sometimes I am hyper aware that posting my weight and other such specifics can be very triggering. I know myself that I am never triggered by other people posting weight, binges etc. But I want to be as conscious as I can that there are people out there who could be influenced, especially as clinically my weight is on the low end of normal and my eating can be pretty dysfunctional at times.

So, anyone have an opinion? Would be interesting to know your thoughts.

Had a great walk with the dog today and he met his best doggie friend. They like to chase each other until they flop, at which point they cuddle each other and lick each others' faces. It's so cute! He has his favourite friends, most definitely. He's scarily human sometimes. I swear we read each others' thoughts. Bless.

I managed to see my therapist today. She gave me another proverbial kick up the backside about getting out, and after my appt I managed to walk quite a way through a busy shopping district, buy some bits for the dog and change my library books. Go me! Hopefully I am pushing for my OH to take said doggie and I out for a long long walk tomorrow. We have a gorgeous waterfall we go to and it's very special being able to stand behind it and see the forest through a blur. The dog gets a bit freaked out and wet, but I'm sure it's a good experience for him!

So food wise...I did ok. Perhaps I could have spaced my eating out better as I had nothing until dinner, and then too many snacks in the evening. But overall it wasn't too bad, considering yesterday's disaster. And it is always so hard to pick myself up after a binge so I am giving myself some credit for progress.

Plus as my T constantly reminds me, I have come SO far in the past year. I've become abstinent from drink and drugs, I've completely stopped self harming, I'm no longer clinically depressed...in fact I think my bad moods are often due to frustration about not being in a place to do all the cool things at once that I want to achieve. I have to remember baby steps, baby steps....keep going forward and if I make the same amount of progress this year I could almost be classed as 'normal'! Whatever that is. Just not so obsessive would be good. And detaching my emotions from my weight and food intake. It's happening. It's just slow.

The best things come to those who wait...

Hope you've all had a good day x

Thursday, 7 October 2010


I think I need to take care of myself this evening and tomorrow. If I can forgive myself for this slip up then life will be much easier. I guess every time I pick myself up off the floor there is less of a way to fall and I fall less often. Progress, my friends.

Doesn't mean I'm not having a hard time sitting in my body right now. Yuck. I realise a couple of days of normal eating and my stomach won't be hard and bloated. Shame my distorted brain can't figure out how to believe this information.

So tomorrow - nutritious food and gentle exercise.

Be kind to L day!


Well, ironically after speaking about how hoarding food can end up being dangerous for me...I binged today. Damn. I won't go into specifics because I still feel huge and yuck. But I probably ingested around 4000kcal in one sitting. I purged but I'm by no means empty. I still feel lethargic and grumpy from the sugar rush-crash, and my stomach feels like I swallowed a brick.

I am getting so much better, at this stage, to accept that punishing myself and feeling terribly guilty about this will only feed my negativity and cause me to get stuck in that awful, uncontrollable downward spiral of bingeing and purging.

So, damage control, even though I didn't really feel like eating (ironic, huh) I made myself a healthy meal. Unfortunately I purged that too. But it's better than what used to be stuff my face until I'm practically gasping for breath, get rid of as much as possible and wake up MISERABLE the next morning. Yah.

In other news, I don't know how to process the way I'm feeling at the moment. Because I'm isolating so badly at the moment, I have way too much time to be introspective and pick holes in myself. I'm getting that sensation a lot where I want to just put the covers over my head and pretend I don't exist. I am basically sabotaging myself, as I was gradually building a pretty full life, and now I'm terrified to go out without my partner or dog. I'm working on it...

My stomach looks and feels like a football, but I am at least going to give my throat a rest and not purge again. It already feels like razor wire. Side effects are NOT fun. Nor is bingeing. I actually don't know what triggered it today, other than the fact that last night I was super hungry and ate a little more than usual, which panicked me. It always amazes me that I then eat MORE in my anxiety, not less. Surely if I went to the gym or walked the dog miles instead, I wouldn't feel so gross and bloated?! It's a bizarre illness. Yet I am getting there. I will be doing some strength training tomorrow, whatever happens. I HAVE to start reintroducing a life into my existence, and getting toned and fit is something I love doing. It's rewarding and productive and gives me a focus. Plus I don't get obsessive over exercise so it's not a trigger for me to start losing weight. Probably because I'm lazy about working out, and a very good procrastinator! Ultimately the excuses for not doing it are only hurting me, noone else gives a damn if I'm exercising or not. So I have to try and be honest with myself and tell myself that I will feel mentally and physically better after a good workout. Which I DO.

I did follow through on lowering my pain meds but I'm having major trouble coping with the level of pain I'm in, especially as I'm feeling low anyway. It's just constant and deep and nagging. I am torn. I might just up my other meds as I have constantly been waking up in the night in pain, and I could really do with a decent sleep.

Will try and elaborate more later...I want to expand on the reasons behind all this dysfunction, but I keep putting it off because it's quite emotionally tough to write about my history. It's eventful to say the least!

Hope you're all smiling today, remember you are loved x

Wednesday, 6 October 2010


Well I've had a fairly good day. My mood has been quite positive and I've been less snappy. I cut down my pain patches as planned. So far I do have more pain but it's not intolerable. I guess it'll hit in the next couple of days when there's less in system. Fingers crossed I will feel the energy return! I'm sick of living in a drug-fog.

G (dog) got a really long walk this morning and the sunshine was gorgeous. It's October and I was seriously wearing shorts and a vest top. How bizarre. Granted I walk fast to get my heart rate up and that warms me, but still, it was sunny and warm. Why can't every day be so pleasant?!

Food wise, hmmm. I feel guilty about what I ate today, I feel like it should be less. I want to lose a few pounds and right now it's pretty unrealistic. I properly exercised for the first time in ages yesterday and woke up aching. At the start of this year I was super fit, loved the gym and had a toned body and no love handles. Now although I am actually a lower weight, I have many squishy bits, so I'm gradually reintroducing strength training. I miss being toned and athletic.

Food today:

4 Weetabix
Small serve pasta with veggie sauce
2 Apples
Kiwi fruit
Giant white chocolate cookie.

Not the end of the world. But not great, especially as I am trying to ward off a binge right now. I have a habit of stashing comfort food away when I'm restricting, which inevitably means when I finally crack and binge, I have heaps of my favourite foods to binge on. I am working on this...but for some reason I feel safe and secure with the food there, even if I never eat it. Bizarre!

Hope you all had a good day. It's nice to feel like this gets read and responded too. I am doing better at responding to others. When you have no impartial sounding board in everyday life, a blog is a good friend to have.

Tuesday, 5 October 2010


Well, a positive day. I managed to get a two hour walk in with the dog this morning, followed by an hour of strength training. Granted, I then fell asleep for two hours and woke up just in time to take the dog for a wee, whoops!

At the moment I am trying to learn to live within my energy limits, because I am so drained constantly due to the high levels of opioids I am on for pain. It's pretty disheartening sometimes. I managed to read a few pages today but before I started these patches I was easily reading 4-5 books a week. I miss it a lot.

Last week I attempted to cut back my dosage to 10mg/hr (from 15mg/hr), but by the next morning I was in too much pain to play the piano or walk the dog. It sucks, such a horrible balance to get!

So tomorrow when it's time to change my weekly patches, I will again try to succeed on just 10mg/hr, coupled this time with regular anti-inflammatories and paracetamol. I don't hold out too much hope but we'll see. I can also take Tramadol on top if I need to, but it's another opioid and sometimes I feel like I am overloading my system.

I guess at the moment it's about listening to my body, not getting mad when I'm exhausted and need to rest, and taking advantage of the times when I feel well.

Today has been much better eating wise, as was yesterday. Here's today's food:

Approx 10 boiled sweets
Small plate pasta with heaps of veggies in tomato sauce
2 Weetabix
Kiwi fruit

Not bad, hey?

It's my OH's birthday tomorrow so it's my turn to look after him. Hopefully he will decide on a nice dinner that I can cook for us both, because he HATES eating out. Which sucks because I adore it! That's probably because I am a good cook and do all the cooking in the house, so he sees no need to pay for someone else to...but in my opinion it's a nice break!

Well it's early but I'm going to bed, see if more sleep time makes me less tired! I have been addicted *psychologically* to these OTC sleeping tablets which are basically just strong anti-histamines that cause drowsiness. Even though I doubt they actually work, I have been taking them every night for a year. It is kind of expensive and it's not good for my body...so I'm going to try to cut down and eventually stop altogether. I get paranoid that I won't sleep without them, but to be honest why am I so afraid of being awake at night?! No idea. I guess it's because I started taking them after I detoxed off of alcohol and tranquillisers. Obviously on both of those a night I was totally passed out unconscious and never worried about sleep. So the OTC tablets made me feel safe, at a time when I felt totally overwhelmed having my security blanket taken from me. I guess I've moved on a hell of a lot in the last year and I need to give my body a chance to get into a natural sleep pattern....here's to trying!

As usual the dog has snuck onto my side of the bed whilst I've been on the computer and is looking way too comfortable with his head on my pillow, little sod! He sleeps downstairs at night in the kitchen but he spends all day and evening attached to me. It's kind of touching, the degree of love and devotion he has for me. Not that it's just one way - he is my world, my best friend and a constant source of unconditional love. He really gives me reason to laugh at the goofy things he does :-).

Monday, 4 October 2010


I have actually done pretty well for me eating wise today. Now, ideally I wouldn't have had ANY sugar or eaten after dinner, but right now hooray for small victories. I have managed not to weigh myself in a few days. I'm afraid to in a way. I just don't want to go over 6st 7. I think I can sustain that without starving. So tonight I had 2 weetabix with hot water, an apple and three boiled sweets. That's cool I guess. I reckon I'm still only at around 1000kcal today.

Apart from that, it's been a lame day. I didn't make it into town, and I desperately needed to go to drop off a script and get a haircut. The fact that my hair is such a mess at the moment is making me want to hide away more. I will feel SO much better when it's done.

I backed out again this evening. I signed my dog up for agility classes a year ago and he finally got to the top of the waiting list last week. I was all excited and had budgeted the petrol and the fees and worked out that it would be feasible. So my first night was tonight. I didn't go. And I won't be going now, seeing as I wrote them an email saying to give my slot to someone else. Stupid, hey? I just feel like I couldn't commit to paying for 10 weeks up front when I'm having SUCH a hard time getting out of the house. I would do what I always do, stress for the whole week about it and make myself ill over it, and then end up not going anyway because the anxiety would be so high by then. Plus I don't really feel up to committing myself to any activity right now, given my inability to keep appointments.

The super sad fact is that I REALLY did want to do it. Again I chose the easy option and crawled into a dark hole. Well to be precise, I sat myself on my beanbag in front of the computer and blogged the evening away, all the while watching shit American TV to drown my sorrows.


Tomorrow I really have to try and kick my arse out of the front door. After I walk the mutt I shall try and get into town.

We shall see...