Monday, 25 April 2011

The Struggle Continues

Ah, I have had mega problems with keeping up with my journal lately. Stupid really. I suppose I find it exhausting enough just living when I'm struggling, let alone having to recite it again to myself through text.

Anyway, my eating has been crazy up and down, spent months b/ping every day and this last couple of weeks have managed to salvage some sanity and get back some control. I still b/p but it's lessening and my weight is FINALLY stable. I have gained half a stone since Christmas... truely disgusting. I am currently fighting with the scale, and for the most part I am restraining from weighing myself because it all too often leads to a massive binge. Oh the depth of self-disgust I feel when I binge. Foul.

In other news, my partner's sister died and we had a funeral etc to attend to, and then my poor wee dog got bitten badly by a Bull Terrier. The owners were so awful that in the end we had to call the police. I stupidly got in the middle of the fight to try and rescue G but in the process that evil dog tried to take my leg off and I have two massive bruises from his teeth. Despite all this the owners STILL tried to claim that my miniature schnauzer attacked their dog! Foul language ended in them getting a ticking off from the police and their dog being reported to the warden. Despite their protests the nice policeman wasn't stupid enough to believe my dog was capable of beating up a dog whose head alone is bigger than G! Needless to say as this happened on the same day as the funeral - after the service and before the wake - it's been a pretty shit week. He's not been able to walk so I've been in the house a lot and my partner has worked the entire Easter weekend so I've been very lonely and anxious and generally STRESSED.

However, I am currently working with a social worker with the view to getting into rehab in the very near future. At first I was really uncertain, but to be honest things have been so tough and it's been a real struggle to get through without self-destructing, and I think that if I want to have any realistic chance of having a stable life then I have to grab the opportunity. It will be a private clinic funded by the NHS and it'd probably be at least six months, so it's a big deal right now. Plus it won't even be in Wales so I'll be far away in another country ... sort of! But it does make it difficult to maintain a relationship. And of course I would miss the dog terribly, softie that I am.

Not surprisingly, as soon as I begin to write I find it helpful. Yet I still find it such an immense challenge when I am depressed.

I think time to sign off with the usual promise of more posts in the not so distant future. I will endeavor to try my best.

Love to all you fellow bloggers and loyal readers - again I apologise for my absence xxx

Friday, 1 April 2011

Gosh... and other things

Well it's been a while. I suppose when I am at my most poorly I choose to stop communicating. And the shame of gaining weight has played a big part. I have gained half a stone and it is mainly because my sister's wedding was last weekend, and for the past few months I have been incredibly anxious about the whole thing. We don't get on particularly well and she has quite strong opinions of me, mainly that I am an attention seeker who causes drama at any opportunity. And ruins all social occasions. And is unpredictable and a liability. She basically rang me a week before the wedding and shouted abuse down the phone, warning me to behave or otherwise not turn up. Difficult.

In the end we cleared the air somewhat and I stayed impeccably behaved and sober, acted like a sane human being and made my parents proud. Also covered my scars for the sake of argument. A stressful experience. All I can say is that I hope she never gets divorced because I cannot take another wedding!

In other news, not much. The stress of the wedding and my intermittent drinking has led to massive binges. I have spent a couple of months literally bingeing day and night, sometimes up to 15,000 calories a day. I have given myself ulcers in my throat and on my tonsils, as well as where my teeth meet my lips. I have been dizzy and exhausted, pathetically so. Crying over the toilet bowl, pleading with myself to stop so that I no longer have to endure the torture of it all.

Since the wedding I have managed to get a grip and calm down slightly. I haven't exactly been wonderful food-wise but I haven't binged. Standing on the scale does nothing to help, and I have taken to wearing support shorts under my clothes to minimise my fatness. Part of the reason for returning to this blog is to make myself accountable once again for what I do to myself and to help me to be aware of the triggers behind my behaviours.

I will write more soon. Right now I am struggling with my stomach after eating a huge amount of sweets, but I will not vomit. Sugar is all I have eaten today. Tomorrow I will try again.

Au revoir for now my friends x