LONG TIME NO SPEAK

Ah, I'm ok.

What is it about life that means you don't want to communicate it when you're really having the hardest time? Isn't that the best time to express oneself? Hah, well, I'm trying. Sorry for going AWOL, I'm sure my readers were soooo disappointed (as if!).

I've completely buggered my left knee and right hip at the moment. I know my condition won't ever disappear but it's getting gradually worse, harder to walk, harder to get through the day because of the pain. Well it's just downright frustrating! My favourite thing to do is walk, walk, walk. I ADORE walking. I can switch off from the world, listen to Radio 4 (my best friend) and take my dog with me for companionship. When I'm walking the dog at the lake with the beautiful winter scenery I feel like I need nothing else in the world, that I'm complete, whole, content. It's a wonderful feeling. Lately I have been walking WAY too much and I'm paying for it. It's so good for my soul, total soul food, yet SO bad for my poor joints. Oh the irony.

Been up down up down between restricting, bingeing and trying to eat like a normal person. Actually it's not been too terrible. I reckon I've gained a couple of pounds and yes, it's stressing me out, but it's no the end of the world considering how much I've been bingeing and purging. This week I've spent way too much time with my head over the toilet bowl, coughing and choking on my own vomit. God I hate it, tears and snot all over my face, a stinking mess to clear up, trying to forget what I just did and ignore the panic if I can't get rid of the food. Why is that?! Sometimes so easy, sometimes impossible. I don't want to talk too much about this in case it's triggering. However, I will happily communicate how utterly miserable and depressing it is. The negatives outweigh the positives by a massive proportion. It's not ever worth going down that road. It only leads to more problems, anxiety , hell.

Pretty shit weekend, loads of arguments with my partner. We're ok today, much better, you know, like the calm after the storm. Both walking on eggshells trying not to piss each other off. It's not helping that I couldn't cook dinner because I can't stand up that long, so he's had to go out for food. So far though we're both in happy mode. Thank god.

Also found out that my partner hears me purging. I had no idea. He's NEVER mentioned it, not in two years. The other day I made a comment that I ate too many biscuits, and he goes 'oh is that why you threw up then?'. I was pretty stunned and when I asked him he told me he hears me a lot. He just didn't tell me because he didn't want to put more pressure on me. How cute. I guess I'm relieved because he's giving me the space to work it out. Everyone knows nagging doesn't work, and he's on my back enough with the alcohol and the Antabuse.

My dog is currently trying to nudge my hands off the keyboard with his head, and dropping his ball in front of me in the hope I will play...I'd better go but maybe more later.

Thanks for caring - recommend me to all your blogger friends :-), let's make a big support network out there xxx