Tuesday, 30 November 2010


Well yippeeeee... I have had a great day. I really have. Nothing special, just felt calm and in control of my thoughts and emotions.

Got up first thing for an appointment with my psychiatrist - it went well actually. I have only seen this particular one twice before; I got assigned him in the hospital after struggling for four years to get on with a woman who clashed totally with me personality-wise - she didn't have any interest in helping me, she seemed to think my goal was to antagonise her and she did the same to me. Needless to say this new relationship is actually THERAPEUTIC! He's a really funny, guy, must be in his mid-sixties and very intelligent, very switched on. He actually bothered to ask my opinion on how I was doing, and gave me some interesting information on BPD. Apparently it is not viewed as a 'personality disorder' in the same way as the others. He said it is a disease and can come on at any age. He said that there is a 60% recovery rate within 5 years. Which is the first time I've heard something like this from a pysch. He was basically saying it isn't my fault, it is obviously a biological-chemical-physical disorder but it is possible to learn to manage it and live a fulfilled life.

So that was insightful and helpful. Then I went for a quick walk and got the bus home, only to run out of the door with G (doggie) into the snow. We were out for 2 hours, surprisingly neither of us was cold, thank God. I love the cold weather so I'm constantly out in it. Not when it's chucking it down but when it's crisp and windy and the sun is shining, I love it! All the Welsh hills and mountains are white and it's a beautiful sight. The snow around our area is still pretty deep and there is more on the way. I'm just glad we don't live up North. My thoughts are with you guys who do :-(.

Went to the supermarket this evening and bought myself some snack foods. I guess sometimes they would be binge foods but tonight I have been SO SO good, I had one portion of flapjack instead of the whole tray. I also made a super healthy dinner to fill myself up before I had any snacks, so that even if I did binge it wouldn't be so terrible.

All in all, a very happy day. I think I need sleep now; my eyes are closing as I type!

Good night all x

Monday, 29 November 2010


Dear dear dear.

Not doing so great right now with getting through the evenings. I had a MAJOR bingeing session last night. Like MAMMOTH. I'm feeling the effects today, bigtime. I couldn't even get up to walk the dog. Sugar fog. Totally.

So I'm TRYING to give my body a break from sugar. Basically I am a sugar freak; I probably get most of my calories from sugar. So I'm trying trying trying my best today. I haven't caved as of now. I am taking it by the hour. If I give up then at least I made it part way. I'm in NO WAY hungry, in fact I'm super stuffed from last night, but I still want my sugar fix. Yummy. I have to tell myself it's for my own good, it triggers me bigtime, plus my teeth are falling out and really damaged. Sugar is the culprit. And vomiting, obviously. Why not kill two birds with one stone? I have been cooking beautiful meals and they are really healthy, so this evening I have a gorgeous stew to look forward to. Let's hope I make it there.

I'll write more later. I feel drained.

Peace x

Sunday, 28 November 2010


Anyone else's family have something to do with their weight?

I know that mine did.

When I was about 10 I put on a little puppy fat. I have notes I wrote to myself at that time with diet plans I'd devised, encouraged by my parents. I was encouraged to feel like it was not acceptable to be overweight, and that I should have the willpower to resist food, that I should learn to control what I ate. My mother's eating habits are very controlled. She has eaten the same breakfast and lunch pretty much EVERY day since I was a child (I am 26), and the dinner would always be on a rotation, 7 different meals for the 7 days of the week...even when I go home for holidays it's the same as when I was 5 years old...still salad on a monday...

At the same time I had a father who cooked and cooked and stuffed us (my sister and I) full of food. He was big into massive portions, so much so that even with four of us (two of them children) for dinner he normally cooked 1kg spaghetti and 600g mince. Imagine! Obviously we always felt guilty for leaving food, whilst simultaneously feeling guilty for overeating. I remember constantly scorning myself for my lack of self control. To be thin was something I would do if I could only improve my strengh of character, change my personality. I was weak. I couldn't resist.

Typical breakfast with my Dad was 2 slices of buttered toast, can of spaghetti with melted cheese, fried egg on top (aged 10)! I distinctly remember eating bags and bags of crisps and sweets in one day as a child, often stuffing myself. We were spoilt with many trips to McDonalds, a lot of takeaways...always a treat, always a comfort, always something when Mummy was 'tired' and wanted something easy to shut us up.

Otherwise, my mother was very rigid and strict with us. We couldn't have sugary cereal with Mummy, with Daddy it was huge bowls of Frosties or Coco Pops. Dad would buy us bumper bags of sweets while Mum would moan about our weight. My sister was chubby too and I know we both have the same issues now. Funny hey?

I remember my Mum and Dad always arguing in front of us over food. How much we should be getting, what not to eat, my Dad insisting we were kids and should be indulged, my Mum getting us to eat grapefruit and Allbran for breakfast. Mum was pretty tight on portion control...Dad went overboard at every meal...3 burgers, a whole can of baked beans, cheese, a whole plate of chips. All for one ten year old. You can see the problem? He was a big fan of pie with icecream with cream poured on top so that it hardened and cracked. I guess what kid could resist such a party? My Dad would get so offended and get a hurt look on his face if we rejected his food. As teenagers we obviously became more and more health conscious, asking for semi-skim milk, buying healthier snacks, using less oil and butter....we started refusing the food my Dad would cook. For me this was very hard. Partly because I didn't want to upset him, partly because it tasted so good and made me feel good. I guess that's why I started skipping meals in the day and throwing up...so that I could eat his food and make him happy.

Hurtful comments that you are 'fat' and 'chubby' and 'heavy' and 'pig-like' from your relatives are not great. But I think what really stuck with me was the two conflicting ideals that came from my parents...which way was I to go? Who was I supposed to please? Why did I have to choose?

Well, here we are, many years later and I still fight the battle between restriction and over-indulgence day after day. Will I ever be free?

Anyone else have experiences to share on this? Interesting stuff.


Ah, today. More ups and downs. What's new?

Well lots of arguments in the house, followed by apologies. I won't go into detail - just domestics as usual. I guess this is why people don't generally last living together. Sometimes I just think we are SO impossibly different that how could it ever be harmonious? It always ends in spite.

In other news, picked up a great book yesterday and had the time to swallow it whole. I finished it earlier and it was fabulous, best I've read in a while. If you're interested, it was One Day by David Nicholls. Walked the dog in the snow and fell on my arse many times; it is SO mega icy here it's lethal. I am worried about having to take him alone this week, especially as there is more freezing weather, strong arctic winds and more snow. Great. Makes for fun walking weather.

Pretty good day food wise so far. But then it always is until night. Then it goes rapidly downhill. Currently I am battling the 'full' feeling from having had dinner, an ice lolly and some chewy sweets. I struggle so much not to binge when I feel uncomfortably full. Even though I haven't binged or even overeaten. I just love being hungry and HATE being full. Must work on this!

So this evening, major avoidance of bingeing. Maybe I'll start another book.

I might post again later.

Oh and A BIG THANKS to all the commenters on my last post - I will respond asap x

Saturday, 27 November 2010


Well today has been pretty good, considering.

Last night I binged. SO BADLY. The biggest binge I've had in months, and I purged a lot. In fact, I kept eating so much that I was sick without my own assistance, TMI sorry! So I ended up going to bed clutching my tummy with a bowl by the bed. Luckily I didn't need to use it.

So what happened? I don't know. I was in a miserable mood because inside of going down to the clinic to take my Antabuse, I bummed around the house for the whole afternoon/evening, and pretty much all of the time thinking in the back of my mind that bingeing would help SO much. Of course it brought the comfort that I was craving for all of five minutes, before I felt really ill and like absolute shit. Obviously last night I didn't manage to pull myself out of the chaos. Felt like it went on forever and I was exhausted and so emotional afterwards.

Imagine me, there I am on the bathroom floor, hunched over the toilet, tears streaming from my eyes and snot from my nose from the force of vomiting. Not washed in days, my hair pulled back out of my face, my sleeves pulled up. In the mirror I look a mess. My face is white, swollen puffy red eyes, raw throat, sore knuckles. Plus that utterly consuming craving to do it all again.

What's the deal with that? You binge, purge, feel so awful even in that moment that you swear you'll NEVER do it again. Five minutes later your hungry, hollow again and the stuffing recommences. How messed up is that?

So that was last night. Obviously I woke up feeling bad. Like really bad. Sick, headache, can't face the light and the noise, aching all over...basically like a bad hangover. A sugar hangover. The worst.

I felt better gradually, hauled myself out of bed, cleaned, played piano, walked the dog. Ah, a good day, the calm after the storm. Went to the supermarket and got lots of fresh produce. Tonight I am cooking pan-fried rainbow trout, stirfried veggies with egg noodles, sweet chilli sauce and a side salad. Get my veggies in, hey?! Yum. Can't wait.

Hopefully I will cope a little better tonight. I haven't eaten today (yeh, I know), a couple of hard candies...so I'm crossing my fingers that dinner won't trigger a binge. Last night that's definitely what set me off. I was arguing with myself for HOURS about whether to eat dinner, and what to eat. I wasn't at all hungry but had hardly eaten, so thought I should. I had a curry, not a massive portion, but I think I would have been better off with fruit and cereal, something that wouldn't fill me up so much. I felt so gross, so full, panicky...you got it. Binge time.

So tonight, a yummy but really healthy dinner and then chill out in front of the TV and read some blogs for support. I'm ok, I'm doing ok. I can get through this.

In other news, it snowed last night so today was gorgeous, picture postcard British winter. I forgot my camera on the walk which was such a shame because the sunset was amazing. I'll remember it tomorrow and try to post some pictures.

I seem to have figured out the right combination of laxatives to take to get things moving in a good direction... yuck I know but I can't stand that bloated, over-full feeling that I've had for weeks now. It's very triggering to have a stomach like a football.

Thankfully things at home are ok. Still arguing, but who doesn't? Apart from that I love that secure feeling I get knowing that I have a home to go to. It still surprises me sometimes. I have had so many years of being tossed around, feeling unwanted. Finally I am somewhere safe from the people who chose to defile my body and invalidate me in every way as a human being. I'm sure you guys know where I'm coming from. I understand the staying overweight/underweight to avoid looking attractive/sexy to men. It's a scary prospect. I hate that I trigger that response in males. It makes me vulnerable and scared, a rabbit in the headlights, loss of control, anxious, fearful... thank God I don't have to go there at the moment. The man I'm with is the first to respect my body and my sexual boundaries, and we have a pretty much platonic relationship in many ways. We rarely take each other to bed, and he totally respects the fear that it provokes in me. At the same time it is his choice too. He is older and not at all pushy and opportunistic in bed like most people I've been with. I guess he's taught me that it's ok to say no, it's ok to respect yourself enough NOT to let it happen. To have the power to walk away.

Thank you to all of you who continue to support me. It really does help. You guys rock :-). Feel free to share my blog around, let's build a big community support network and get ourselves out there rockin' the world.

Keep smiling. Until next time x

Friday, 26 November 2010


I feel utterly drained today.

In other news, it's snowing! Heavily. I took G out this morning for a long walk in the bright sunshine and just as we collapsed through the front door it started sleeting. That was about four hours ago and it is now white outside.

I love the snow in principle, but not having a car and having an energetic dog makes it a nightmare. I have to constantly be getting sopping wet and changing my clothes, and worse is that G HATES getting wet, so he spends his walks whining and looking miserable. Yet if I don't walk him he's crazy mad energy wise in the house and he knows how to wind me up.

We don't have access to the back of the house from the side so when I bring a soaked, dirty, muddy dog in it's to our tiny hallway and kitchen, which has brown walls from his love of drying himself on them! I feel like all I do is sweep up and mop up after him! Little bugger. Of course it's worth it though.

The forecast for tomorrow looks ok, so hopefully my OH will come on a long walk with me. We got a camper van last April and he's a bit nervous with the icy weather coming about driving it. It's got a massive engine and is heavy and because we had 4 wheel drive on the last vehicle he's anxious. I'm sure it'll be fine. Just have to drive a bit more carefully. Last year we had to rev the car on four wheel drive and literally drag it up the hill out of our road, and a load of people with smaller cars were snowed in. I live in Wales so it can get pretty snowy here. Originally I'm from down South where it hardly snows, and when it does it's melted the same day.

So today has been pretty lazy. I've done some weights, but not a good enough amount. I slept after I walked the dog, which I don't normally do. I am worried I have an infection somewhere because I'm just so tired all the time, and because my white blood cell count was low. Hopefully it'll either show itself or I'll start to feel better.

Have upped the laxatives and toilet troubles are not QUITE as bad, although I still have a football for a belly. I look about three months pregnant! My weight is stable, but I'm having a hard time balancing eating right and not bingeing. Like last night, I ate a whole bar of white chocolate and didn't feel too terrible, but it set off the binge urges majorly. I ended up getting out of bed and going downstairs for bombay mix. Luckily I waited before I succumbed to it and I didn't have any in the end. Thank god for resisting temptation. I'm seriously thinking about bingeing tonight. Argh. I guess it's because I'm tired and cold and my body hurts. I just want to comfort myself. Ah, pity party....need a kick up the backside!

Christmas is coming! I'm doing well with my shopping, I already have quite a few family members covered. Hopefully I will get it done before the MAD rush starts. It's already murder in the supermarket at the weekend and as usual they've shifted all the aisles to make way for Christmas and noone can find their regular food. It's chaos! Grr. And I HATE food shopping, I get so mad like I've got road rage and start muttering things about people and growling. I am not fun to be with! Usually I send OH off to look at DVDs and I shop on my own. Then there's less arguments and WW3 is averted.

Well, enough for now, I'm checking out as OH will be home soon and I'm off to make some tea.

Love x

Thursday, 25 November 2010


Sorry for the lack of updates. I feel like I have been mega busy and exhausted in the evenings, so no time to update. In reality I'm probably just avoiding focusing on myself. It's easier that way.

So things are pretty ok. I've been really busy going to appointments and walking the dog. It sounds like it doesn't take up much time but because I don't drive a 15 minute appointment often takes me 3 hours to do, and walking the dog is anything between 1 1/2 - 3 hours, because I have to walk him to and from the reservoir as well. So I'm very active right now. Which is cool because we've been having the most wonderful weather. Brisk winds, blue skies, hot sun. Perfect. Frosty and cold in the shade yet blissfully warm in the sun. It makes me want to spend all my days walking outside. The dog loves it too. He can run forever without getting too hot or too cold/wet/miserable.

Weight wise - doing pretty well. Got weighed at the doctor's today and I was exactly the same as two weeks ago. Obviously mixed feelings. But I have been eating much better and trying hard not to lose weight. I know how quickly things get out of control and right now I feel much calmer and less worried about the whole ED thing. Not perfect, but a BIG improvement.

Things are much better at home too - I'm not so depressed so I'm in a better place to have company, although I haven't played live for a while and I keep avoiding it. I think it's just because when I haven't sat down all day and my joints are killing me, I just want to cuddle up and watch TV, not drag my keyboards out in the freezing cold and get home in the early hours exhausted and feeling like shit. Sometimes I think I should get a part-time day job and take the pressure off gig wise. I have periods where I enjoy it, but my physical health is making it hard.

Found out today that my white blood cell count is low - slightly concerning as there is no apparent reason for it. I have been very tired lately. Hopefully it'll go back to normal, it's not as though I've been treating my body that well lately.

I'm meeting up with a guy I met in hospital tomorrow who's an awesome guitarist. Hopefully we can jam together and write some cool stuff. New talent, new inspiration and all that.

Will make an attempt to post tomorrow...

Hello to my new followers :-) and yes, I have been SO rubbish with commenting lately but I have been reading. I am listening guys, and I do care.

Thanks for reading x

Thursday, 18 November 2010


Well today hasn't been so bad. I have been suffering from the most anxiety and negative thoughts than I have since I came out of hospital. I just feel very low and like I need to stay in control.

My way of achieving this today has been to exist on hard candy and an Ensure. Not the best diet but I feel like if I eat then it'll lead to a binge, and the less 'food' I put in my mouth the easier it is to stay on track. I guess I'm still getting nourishment and energy from the Ensure, and considering what I ate yesterday I could do with giving my body a break. But it's still a bit messed up. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I have a therapist appointment at 10. Usually seeing S makes me feel much calmer and happier. At the moment it feels like an uphill struggle and I am feeling so bloated despite all the laxatives. Not the best day. I just hope I can get to sleep soon and then I won't have to think about food or my body any more. It's pretty exhausting.


I want to reply to some comments because I'm guessing you guys are fed up of commenting and thinking I don't read them/read your blogs...I do, I'm just struggling to find words.

Balance is a hard thing to obtain in any aspect of life. I just worry cause your walking a thin line now. Just keep us posted xoxox

Ms. Chunky Chick - you're right, I guess now I'm punishing myself today for b/ping the last two days, and the scales are reflecting it. I'm retaining water, I took laxatives and so far am still bloated and full, so I guess I feel more depressed this way. All I keep thinking is that at this weight I am safe but if I lose I will be ill yet if I gain I will go mentally downhill. It's a tightrope.

I wish you all the best and strength to overcome your restrictive eating. Be kind to your body, it is the only one you'll ever get. (hugs)

In the Pink - Every day I remind myself why I need to stay strong - because I don't want to die, because I have so much to life for and I am so thankful to have a place on this Earth. It's precious and sometimes I just want to let all of this go and embrace what I could have. I think I am slowly getting there. Hopefully things will continue to improve in my lifestyle and it will motivate me to take better care of me.

You pretend you want to take the meds. You pretend you love yourself. In time, those things you were pretending become real and true. But you have to push yourself to step into territory that is scary and uncomfortable. If you chose to stay where you are, there are people who will try to help you and care for you. How much better would life be if YOU were the one driving yourself to improve and change?

amandakiska - thank you. I know you're right. My mum suffered from severe post-natal depression and one thing she told me was that she just had to get on with it, pretend that she was happy, pretend that she was ok, and then one day she woke up and she actually WAS ok, no pretence. Your words are very real to me.

Yes, it's shit isn't it? I don't think people realise unless they have been through it in the UK, but there is just nothing available, or you're on a waiting list for a couple of years.

Pixie - my therapist described living in Wales as being like living in a Third World country when it comes to mental healthcare. I wish it was different. I guess the only thing that it has taught me is that I have to take care of myself and take responsibility for myself, because ultimately I will be the only one who gives a shit about me. It's a sad fact but it definitely promotes self-preservation. It would be so nice to have the support I feel I need though. It can be a dark, lonely place struggling alone. My heart goes out to you for having to struggle through this wasteland...perhaps one day things will change. I pray that it will be in my lifetime, or that I can do something to be part of that change and allow future generations to get the treatment they need.

I want you so badly to be able to get proper care for all you current problems and going inpatient would be the best way for that. It sucks that isn't an option available to you. I wish you all the best Lady Laz. And take babysteps with the eating so you do not become too anxious.

In the Pink - again, thank you for commenting. It helps to know you're reading and thinking of me. Babysteps, yes...so right. I cannot believe I b/ped and am now having to deal with it on top of everything else. I am trying to move on and take today as a fresh day...it's all I can do to try and break that cycle. I know where it heads and it isn't pretty.

Thank you all for continuing to read and to offer your support. I appreciate it so much x


i binged two nights in a row.

nuff said.

Tuesday, 16 November 2010


So I saw my CPN H earlier. She's so adorable and I love her to bits, but it's hard seeing her when she knows as well as I do that even though I am sick and need specialist services, there is no chance of me getting that help. Where I live there is NOTHING, and out of area I can't get funded, I am still pushing and trying to get funding to go to a private residential centre....at the moment even getting into an ED treatment program would be a start, but around here it just doesn't exist. People like me are left to get so sick they need hospitalisation on a medical ward being tube fed, only to be dumped back on the mental health team with no follow-up support. Hence why the distress of the weight gain leads to starving, self harm, purging....all sorts of negative behaviours that would be dealt with properly as an inpatient in an actual therapeutic clinic setting. It's very frustrating and I understand that ultimately I am the only person who will look out for me and I simply have to try harder. I'm going to try and eat more...that's about as much as I can do right now.


I am not sure whether this has anything to do with my eating or if I have a cold, but yesterday I slept from 4.30pm until 9am this morning. I just got back from dragging myself around the park with the dog and I'm shaking. I didn't do well at all food wise yesterday, I had some Ensure intake but the only solid food I had was a banana. About the same so far today, a bit of fruit and Ensure. I'm going to have a proper dinner tonight.

I think the reason that my restriction is so severe is that I have seen no movement down on the scale. It's ridiculous because I know much of it is water retention and very much biological, and I don't NEED to lose more weight, in fact maintenance should be my goal. I guess I'm scared to be maintaining at the amount of food I'm taking in, because what happens when I eat more? I'm stuck.

Sunday, 14 November 2010


My periods have stopped again. When I was anorexic at 18 they stopped for 2 years, even after significant weight gain it took a long time for them to come back. Part of me couldn't care less, I mean what woman actually wants her period?! Another side of me has to acknowledge that this means trouble for my body. I know that it is not good news for my bones...or my fertility...

What to do? I managed to eat a decent portion of dinner. I guess because my stomach was so empty and I haven't eaten much today I don't feel too bad for eating. This battle is getting tough. I am honestly scared to gain weight.

I've been thinking a lot about labels...if I were to ask my CPN/therapist they would of course say I was anorexic. But I can't equate myself now with the anorexic girl that I used to be. I would say I am functioning to a high level and I am eating enough to sustain me. I guess I need to just keep my head above water because a little more weight loss and I think I'd have to admit the problem to myself and accept the treatment. As it is, I can't seem to do that. I seem to be too comfortable in my bubble.


Went into town today and bought a few things. I got a memory foam pillow because it was on offer, and I already have a mattress topper which is amazing and I can't sleep without pain anyway, so it really lessens the pain on bad nights. Bought some of my favourite licorice toffee, yummy. A new pair of jeans...I'm back in kids sizes, age 11-12. I don't really mind, I have never been big really, but I know I need to maintain my weight. I haven't done so well today; managed a bowl of Weetabix and a pear. I'll get there. I plan to have a proper dinner, pasta probably with meat. So I am trying I guess. Not hard enough, I know. But it's so scary to eat when I know that the scales will creep up because I have been starving myself. And it's hard to cope with the extreme water retention because the bloating makes me feel so fat and uncomfortable. I'm also suffering from bad reflux and nausea, so I am put off eating most of the time, in order to stop the symptoms. I wish it was a pleasurable experience but generally I feel crap for a couple of hours after I eat. Hence why I need to drink the calories. I haven't even managed one Ensure yet. It's a bit pathetic. Something has to change...I guess my thought process is going like this:

Have to maintain low weight, so can't eat more... don't want to eat more and gain weight because I like being thin and I feel calm and in control... am very good at looking in the mirror and seeing myself as big...knowing there is more weight to lose...worrying about my health and wanting to eat...scared to eat because I know my weight will go up...want to eat because I'm tired and cold and dizzy...don't want to eat because it makes me feel poorly and uncomfortable.

I don't want this all to end in an admission and a tube feed.


I guess I know it all, I know the solutions, I am just choosing not to look after myself. BAD BAD girl.

Enough for now x


Well I am going to try and update much more frequently again. I find sometimes I shut down my emotions and just go onto autopilot in order to survive, and in times like these it's hard to blog about how I feel and what's going on. However, I feel a bit more like writing today so we'll see.

The past week has actually been more than surprisingly good. I have been put on a new tablet called Pregablin (Gabapentin for you US readers) which is being prescribed for anti-anxiety. I have to say so far it's been a bit of a miracle drug. I am not crippled by anxiety, and I think I have got more done in the last week than I have in years. I've played four gigs, cleaned and sorted the house, continued to walk George, done a lot of my Christmas shopping, practised keys, pretty much haven't sat down. I am also off sleeping tablets for the first time in over a year. This is a pretty major achievement as the only reason I haven't come off them sooner is anxiety and fear over what would happen, and now the irony is I am sleeping better and feeling more refreshed for it.

So overall, really a better week than I could have possibly hoped for. I just pray that it continues. I even went and bought myself a little netbook so that I can start writing again, and have spent a lot of time this week in coffee shops attempting this... I'm kind of out of practice but I will get back there. It's time for me to start trying a bit harder to get some words out of me. I find it incredibly cathartic.

My boyfriend bought me a gorgeous necklace for an early Christmas present which is engraved with my drug allergies and also the fact that I am on Antabuse, in case of emergency. I think the major driving force behind having it is that every time I touch it I remember why I am striving to get better. I am actually attending supervised breathaliser tests and taking my meds this way three times a week, which means a lot of bus journeys and time spent but it also means I feel safer and more stable than I have in so long. As long as I'm on Antabuse I'm safe. I can rationalise my feelings and control my impulses - a big deal for such a severe self-harmer. I have to wake up every single morning and tell myself that I can NEVER drink again. It's the only way. What's the point in kidding myself that I could? It always, without fail, ends in disaster.

So I have written a lot about the positives and I think really there is only one area of concern at the moment, and that is my eating/weight/food issues. I lost weight in hospital and I will try not to mention too many numbers but my BMI is currently 16 and I am almost a stone down from my 'normal' stable weight. My periods have stopped again and I feel pretty exhausted, never mind looking gaunt. I have managed to maintain my weight this week but I'm still not doing so great eating wise. I've been put on Ensures and I'm struggling between my strong desire NOT to drink them, and the will to keep myself well so my life doesn't deteriorate in another way. As long as I don't lose more weight I'll be ok. I just need to remind myself that I do need to eat and take in enough energy to sustain myself long term. So that's the battle right now. I'll keep you updated. The last thing I want is to end up tube-fed or go in for refeeding. I need to keep it under my control yet maintain the balance between my negative thoughts and my positive actions. It's a struggle, always. Especially because I like being at a lower weight, I feel safe here and I feel in control, even though realistically this is far from the truth. I'll keep plodding on and keep you posted.

For now, thank you for reading and I promise to start commenting again on your lovely blogs.

Much love to you all, and to my new followers, welcome x

Saturday, 6 November 2010


Just wanted to say THANKS so much to all my followers and comment posters who care when they have no reason to other than connection and being human....so thank you.

And a big SORRY that I still have felt too unwell to post/read/comment. Argh.

I'll be back x

Thursday, 4 November 2010



Well, the thing is, I screwed up. MAJORLY.

19th October - Day after my 26th birthday and I drink. Get hysterical and end up in the mental health centre, attempting to explain myself whilst bashing my hand up and crying wildly.

Obviously as it is in my care plan not to treat me drunk, they sent me home, having notified the police that I may well need taking into custody in the night for my own safety.

Come the next day - I get kicked out by my OH for being such a twat. Proceed to go drunk to my appointment, cut myself REALLY badly in the toilets of my addictions treatment unit, go by ambulance to hospital...lose 2 pints of blood, go into shock, get 50 staples in my right arm.

Not fun.

Plus I still thought my OH had left me, so I went through all this alone.

Ended up being practically sectioned for 2 weeks, i.e. I'm informal unless I attempt to leave the building, in which case I will be immediately detained and sectioned.


I got home this afternoon and all I've done is cry. My weight is crap, I'm unstable, I'm depressed, I'm a mess...but I have to cope. My OH saved me and took me back. I HAVE TO MAKE THIS WORK. I HAVE TO.

So from now on, whatever happens with my life/weight/relationship/whatever....I MUST NOT DRINK.

I'm back on the Antabuse and it HAS to stay that way.

I'm sorry to you all out there who worried - I can't summon the energy to read/comment at the moment so massive apologies there. I will do when my brain is functioning slightly better.