Well it's been a while. I suppose when I am at my most poorly I choose to stop communicating. And the shame of gaining weight has played a big part. I have gained half a stone and it is mainly because my sister's wedding was last weekend, and for the past few months I have been incredibly anxious about the whole thing. We don't get on particularly well and she has quite strong opinions of me, mainly that I am an attention seeker who causes drama at any opportunity. And ruins all social occasions. And is unpredictable and a liability. She basically rang me a week before the wedding and shouted abuse down the phone, warning me to behave or otherwise not turn up. Difficult.
In the end we cleared the air somewhat and I stayed impeccably behaved and sober, acted like a sane human being and made my parents proud. Also covered my scars for the sake of argument. A stressful experience. All I can say is that I hope she never gets divorced because I cannot take another wedding!
In other news, not much. The stress of the wedding and my intermittent drinking has led to massive binges. I have spent a couple of months literally bingeing day and night, sometimes up to 15,000 calories a day. I have given myself ulcers in my throat and on my tonsils, as well as where my teeth meet my lips. I have been dizzy and exhausted, pathetically so. Crying over the toilet bowl, pleading with myself to stop so that I no longer have to endure the torture of it all.
Since the wedding I have managed to get a grip and calm down slightly. I haven't exactly been wonderful food-wise but I haven't binged. Standing on the scale does nothing to help, and I have taken to wearing support shorts under my clothes to minimise my fatness. Part of the reason for returning to this blog is to make myself accountable once again for what I do to myself and to help me to be aware of the triggers behind my behaviours.
I will write more soon. Right now I am struggling with my stomach after eating a huge amount of sweets, but I will not vomit. Sugar is all I have eaten today. Tomorrow I will try again.
Au revoir for now my friends x