Struggling

Ok so generally I'm moaning about my binges and how out of control my wildly disordered eating is. But at the moment it's kind of going in the other direction. In other words, downwards.

So I was between 92-83lbs at the end of March, in the most part due to the extreme bingeing I was doing with all the stress of my sister's wedding. And gradually since then I've pretty much been restricting more and more. I am at the point right now where I vomit up everything I attempt to eat, and that's not much. Today I had some vegetables in tomato sauce and a few boiled sweets.

My weight this morning was 6st 12.5. Deary me. That's 82.5lb if you're interested. I guess I'm a bit stressed about it simply because I desperately need to keep myself stable enough so that rehab will accept me.

On that note, having gone down to Plymouth on Tuesday for an assessment my social worker got a phonecall to say that they really liked me and now it's pushing on to the next stage. Basically that means that they will gather information about my case history from my treatment team and then come to a decision as to whether they will take me. Then there's an application for funding and after that, if it's all approved...I wait for a bed. It could be as soon as a month.

Originally I was pretty unsure. I wasn't sure on Tuesday even after going there. But waking up on Wednesday I felt really positive that I was making the right decision. I know I cannot allow myself to stay stuck any longer. It's pretty much a comfortable situation I'm in right now, with somewhere nice to live and all, no financial troubles...but this really could go on forever. And I want to be able to take risks, to fulfil some of my dreams, to experience life and truly live.

I guess I just need to keep myself focused on the goal ahead. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I cannot allow myself to wreck it all now. So I think I'll be going back on Ensures if I can't eat by next week. Otherwise I will end up in hospital with a tube down me. Ok so it's really not that drastic at the moment but my BMI is 16...and at 15 they will most probably intervene.

Love xx