Tuesday, 7 December 2010


is the name that my OH and I use when I'm feeling anxious, or stressed, or a bit 'argh'. Like that feeling you get inside, you know? When you're all sad and tense and a bit confused. I get it a lot. But having the 'squinch' is not such a bad thing. Why? I hear you cry. Well. having a silly name for it, putting it into words, communicating it, makes it lessen. Like, it's a safe word. I can say it without having to say 'I feel like self-harming' or 'I want to die'. It helps both of us to get through those dark days. And most times, when we've talked and had a cuddle, the squinch dies away. So that's just my take on those days, you know, when you know how you feel, you just don't know how to tell someone.

Good day? Mostly. My knee is now even more extremely buggered. I walked the dog in the ice and snow again this morning for a couple of hours. It's NOT good walking conditions when you have unstable joints. It's bloody hard work and I'm terrified of dislocating something. I struggle through it every day because it is my soul food and G adores the walks. It is SO amazingly beautiful around here right now. It looks like a film set of the Canadian wilderness or something. Amazing. The trees all frosted white, the sky crystal clear blue, the lake frozen over. I LOVE winters like this. Probably because I don't mind any weather but walking the dog in the rain is a nightmare, and when it is really icy there is no mud to clean :-). In fact, he comes back sparkling and covered in icicles, lol.

Food wise? I B/Ped again last night, 'sigh'. However it wasn't major. I have been going to bed after purging and waking up REALLY starving. I guess I'm emptying my stomach before I sleep, then realise it when I wake. So today I ate really well, like a lot, I mean. But it wasn't drama-provoking. I made an amazing meal of peppered beef steaks, Mexican fried rice with veggies and a salad. It was yummy. Pretty much healthy too. I don't use oil to cook and I gave all the garlic butter to my OH.

I find it eternally ironic that I will leave butter off my steak and then quite happily proceed to eat a giant bar of chocolate and a packet of biscuits in the evening, without a thought for the fat. I sometimes think that because you don't physically PUT the fat and the salt and the sugar in junk food, it's like the connection isn't there. I mean, like the difference between cash and credit card. One feels tangible, real. One, on the other hand, is false, gives you a sense of security. If I bake or cook I do so consciously and make it healthy if I possibly can. Yet food that I buy? I glance at the calories...rarely any other information. I sometimes wonder if all the good I do to by body is negated by all that shitty food. I guess trying my best to eat well and exercise and stay at a good weight is the best I can do. I'm doing pretty well right now. I hope it lasts.

Well, I have started writing a lot again. I have written about 6,000 words this week so my millionth attempt at a novel is emerging. Slightly. It'll probably wither and die with all the rest. But even if that happens, it's good practice. And it helps. Bigtime. Hours fly by and i feel satisfied. Bought a new piano book too and so I've been hashing my way through that this evening.

My life is so dull, hey?!

Ciao for now guys xxxx


  1. Please come back. I'm missing you :-( xxxxx

  2. Your post was so honest where you are right now in life. I know how hard recovery from and eating disorder and trying to live a "normal" life can be. Keep journaling, i know it helps me get some of those negative thoughts out of my head..{{}}

  3. Thinking of you tonight. Hope you're ok. xxx