I am currently undertaking a research project into alcohol use/misuse among the general population and it would be great if some of you were willing to get involved. It will of course be anonymous, and will go towards improving services for patients of addictions clinics within the NHS. The aim is to raise awareness and depth of understanding about the complex world of substance use and abuse.
Here's how to get involved if you wish to:
Please either email me direct at princesslucywithglitterontop@hotmail.com, or facebook me with your contact details.
I will then email you a form to fill in and further details.
If you would like to remain completely anonymous (ie to me as well as the public) then please state and I will send you my address so that the form can be sent back unsigned by post.
I would be grateful for any participation, even partial. The aim of the research is to obtain data about alcohol use/misuse through different age ranges/social groups, and the effects it may have socially/physically on the lives of the individual and their families/friends.
You may fill in all/part of the survey. If you have any questions please ask.
Thanks in advance for your input.
Sunday, 23 January 2011
Tuesday, 7 December 2010
SQUINCHY...
is the name that my OH and I use when I'm feeling anxious, or stressed, or a bit 'argh'. Like that feeling you get inside, you know? When you're all sad and tense and a bit confused. I get it a lot. But having the 'squinch' is not such a bad thing. Why? I hear you cry. Well. having a silly name for it, putting it into words, communicating it, makes it lessen. Like, it's a safe word. I can say it without having to say 'I feel like self-harming' or 'I want to die'. It helps both of us to get through those dark days. And most times, when we've talked and had a cuddle, the squinch dies away. So that's just my take on those days, you know, when you know how you feel, you just don't know how to tell someone.
Good day? Mostly. My knee is now even more extremely buggered. I walked the dog in the ice and snow again this morning for a couple of hours. It's NOT good walking conditions when you have unstable joints. It's bloody hard work and I'm terrified of dislocating something. I struggle through it every day because it is my soul food and G adores the walks. It is SO amazingly beautiful around here right now. It looks like a film set of the Canadian wilderness or something. Amazing. The trees all frosted white, the sky crystal clear blue, the lake frozen over. I LOVE winters like this. Probably because I don't mind any weather but walking the dog in the rain is a nightmare, and when it is really icy there is no mud to clean :-). In fact, he comes back sparkling and covered in icicles, lol.
Food wise? I B/Ped again last night, 'sigh'. However it wasn't major. I have been going to bed after purging and waking up REALLY starving. I guess I'm emptying my stomach before I sleep, then realise it when I wake. So today I ate really well, like a lot, I mean. But it wasn't drama-provoking. I made an amazing meal of peppered beef steaks, Mexican fried rice with veggies and a salad. It was yummy. Pretty much healthy too. I don't use oil to cook and I gave all the garlic butter to my OH.
I find it eternally ironic that I will leave butter off my steak and then quite happily proceed to eat a giant bar of chocolate and a packet of biscuits in the evening, without a thought for the fat. I sometimes think that because you don't physically PUT the fat and the salt and the sugar in junk food, it's like the connection isn't there. I mean, like the difference between cash and credit card. One feels tangible, real. One, on the other hand, is false, gives you a sense of security. If I bake or cook I do so consciously and make it healthy if I possibly can. Yet food that I buy? I glance at the calories...rarely any other information. I sometimes wonder if all the good I do to by body is negated by all that shitty food. I guess trying my best to eat well and exercise and stay at a good weight is the best I can do. I'm doing pretty well right now. I hope it lasts.
Well, I have started writing a lot again. I have written about 6,000 words this week so my millionth attempt at a novel is emerging. Slightly. It'll probably wither and die with all the rest. But even if that happens, it's good practice. And it helps. Bigtime. Hours fly by and i feel satisfied. Bought a new piano book too and so I've been hashing my way through that this evening.
My life is so dull, hey?!
Ciao for now guys xxxx
Good day? Mostly. My knee is now even more extremely buggered. I walked the dog in the ice and snow again this morning for a couple of hours. It's NOT good walking conditions when you have unstable joints. It's bloody hard work and I'm terrified of dislocating something. I struggle through it every day because it is my soul food and G adores the walks. It is SO amazingly beautiful around here right now. It looks like a film set of the Canadian wilderness or something. Amazing. The trees all frosted white, the sky crystal clear blue, the lake frozen over. I LOVE winters like this. Probably because I don't mind any weather but walking the dog in the rain is a nightmare, and when it is really icy there is no mud to clean :-). In fact, he comes back sparkling and covered in icicles, lol.
Food wise? I B/Ped again last night, 'sigh'. However it wasn't major. I have been going to bed after purging and waking up REALLY starving. I guess I'm emptying my stomach before I sleep, then realise it when I wake. So today I ate really well, like a lot, I mean. But it wasn't drama-provoking. I made an amazing meal of peppered beef steaks, Mexican fried rice with veggies and a salad. It was yummy. Pretty much healthy too. I don't use oil to cook and I gave all the garlic butter to my OH.
I find it eternally ironic that I will leave butter off my steak and then quite happily proceed to eat a giant bar of chocolate and a packet of biscuits in the evening, without a thought for the fat. I sometimes think that because you don't physically PUT the fat and the salt and the sugar in junk food, it's like the connection isn't there. I mean, like the difference between cash and credit card. One feels tangible, real. One, on the other hand, is false, gives you a sense of security. If I bake or cook I do so consciously and make it healthy if I possibly can. Yet food that I buy? I glance at the calories...rarely any other information. I sometimes wonder if all the good I do to by body is negated by all that shitty food. I guess trying my best to eat well and exercise and stay at a good weight is the best I can do. I'm doing pretty well right now. I hope it lasts.
Well, I have started writing a lot again. I have written about 6,000 words this week so my millionth attempt at a novel is emerging. Slightly. It'll probably wither and die with all the rest. But even if that happens, it's good practice. And it helps. Bigtime. Hours fly by and i feel satisfied. Bought a new piano book too and so I've been hashing my way through that this evening.
My life is so dull, hey?!
Ciao for now guys xxxx
Monday, 6 December 2010
LONG TIME NO SPEAK
Ah, I'm ok.
What is it about life that means you don't want to communicate it when you're really having the hardest time? Isn't that the best time to express oneself? Hah, well, I'm trying. Sorry for going AWOL, I'm sure my readers were soooo disappointed (as if!).
I've completely buggered my left knee and right hip at the moment. I know my condition won't ever disappear but it's getting gradually worse, harder to walk, harder to get through the day because of the pain. Well it's just downright frustrating! My favourite thing to do is walk, walk, walk. I ADORE walking. I can switch off from the world, listen to Radio 4 (my best friend) and take my dog with me for companionship. When I'm walking the dog at the lake with the beautiful winter scenery I feel like I need nothing else in the world, that I'm complete, whole, content. It's a wonderful feeling. Lately I have been walking WAY too much and I'm paying for it. It's so good for my soul, total soul food, yet SO bad for my poor joints. Oh the irony.
Been up down up down between restricting, bingeing and trying to eat like a normal person. Actually it's not been too terrible. I reckon I've gained a couple of pounds and yes, it's stressing me out, but it's no the end of the world considering how much I've been bingeing and purging. This week I've spent way too much time with my head over the toilet bowl, coughing and choking on my own vomit. God I hate it, tears and snot all over my face, a stinking mess to clear up, trying to forget what I just did and ignore the panic if I can't get rid of the food. Why is that?! Sometimes so easy, sometimes impossible. I don't want to talk too much about this in case it's triggering. However, I will happily communicate how utterly miserable and depressing it is. The negatives outweigh the positives by a massive proportion. It's not ever worth going down that road. It only leads to more problems, anxiety , hell.
Pretty shit weekend, loads of arguments with my partner. We're ok today, much better, you know, like the calm after the storm. Both walking on eggshells trying not to piss each other off. It's not helping that I couldn't cook dinner because I can't stand up that long, so he's had to go out for food. So far though we're both in happy mode. Thank god.
Also found out that my partner hears me purging. I had no idea. He's NEVER mentioned it, not in two years. The other day I made a comment that I ate too many biscuits, and he goes 'oh is that why you threw up then?'. I was pretty stunned and when I asked him he told me he hears me a lot. He just didn't tell me because he didn't want to put more pressure on me. How cute. I guess I'm relieved because he's giving me the space to work it out. Everyone knows nagging doesn't work, and he's on my back enough with the alcohol and the Antabuse.
My dog is currently trying to nudge my hands off the keyboard with his head, and dropping his ball in front of me in the hope I will play...I'd better go but maybe more later.
Thanks for caring - recommend me to all your blogger friends :-), let's make a big support network out there xxx
What is it about life that means you don't want to communicate it when you're really having the hardest time? Isn't that the best time to express oneself? Hah, well, I'm trying. Sorry for going AWOL, I'm sure my readers were soooo disappointed (as if!).
I've completely buggered my left knee and right hip at the moment. I know my condition won't ever disappear but it's getting gradually worse, harder to walk, harder to get through the day because of the pain. Well it's just downright frustrating! My favourite thing to do is walk, walk, walk. I ADORE walking. I can switch off from the world, listen to Radio 4 (my best friend) and take my dog with me for companionship. When I'm walking the dog at the lake with the beautiful winter scenery I feel like I need nothing else in the world, that I'm complete, whole, content. It's a wonderful feeling. Lately I have been walking WAY too much and I'm paying for it. It's so good for my soul, total soul food, yet SO bad for my poor joints. Oh the irony.
Been up down up down between restricting, bingeing and trying to eat like a normal person. Actually it's not been too terrible. I reckon I've gained a couple of pounds and yes, it's stressing me out, but it's no the end of the world considering how much I've been bingeing and purging. This week I've spent way too much time with my head over the toilet bowl, coughing and choking on my own vomit. God I hate it, tears and snot all over my face, a stinking mess to clear up, trying to forget what I just did and ignore the panic if I can't get rid of the food. Why is that?! Sometimes so easy, sometimes impossible. I don't want to talk too much about this in case it's triggering. However, I will happily communicate how utterly miserable and depressing it is. The negatives outweigh the positives by a massive proportion. It's not ever worth going down that road. It only leads to more problems, anxiety , hell.
Pretty shit weekend, loads of arguments with my partner. We're ok today, much better, you know, like the calm after the storm. Both walking on eggshells trying not to piss each other off. It's not helping that I couldn't cook dinner because I can't stand up that long, so he's had to go out for food. So far though we're both in happy mode. Thank god.
Also found out that my partner hears me purging. I had no idea. He's NEVER mentioned it, not in two years. The other day I made a comment that I ate too many biscuits, and he goes 'oh is that why you threw up then?'. I was pretty stunned and when I asked him he told me he hears me a lot. He just didn't tell me because he didn't want to put more pressure on me. How cute. I guess I'm relieved because he's giving me the space to work it out. Everyone knows nagging doesn't work, and he's on my back enough with the alcohol and the Antabuse.
My dog is currently trying to nudge my hands off the keyboard with his head, and dropping his ball in front of me in the hope I will play...I'd better go but maybe more later.
Thanks for caring - recommend me to all your blogger friends :-), let's make a big support network out there xxx
Tuesday, 30 November 2010
GIVE THANKS FOR A GOOD DAY!
Well yippeeeee... I have had a great day. I really have. Nothing special, just felt calm and in control of my thoughts and emotions.
Got up first thing for an appointment with my psychiatrist - it went well actually. I have only seen this particular one twice before; I got assigned him in the hospital after struggling for four years to get on with a woman who clashed totally with me personality-wise - she didn't have any interest in helping me, she seemed to think my goal was to antagonise her and she did the same to me. Needless to say this new relationship is actually THERAPEUTIC! He's a really funny, guy, must be in his mid-sixties and very intelligent, very switched on. He actually bothered to ask my opinion on how I was doing, and gave me some interesting information on BPD. Apparently it is not viewed as a 'personality disorder' in the same way as the others. He said it is a disease and can come on at any age. He said that there is a 60% recovery rate within 5 years. Which is the first time I've heard something like this from a pysch. He was basically saying it isn't my fault, it is obviously a biological-chemical-physical disorder but it is possible to learn to manage it and live a fulfilled life.
So that was insightful and helpful. Then I went for a quick walk and got the bus home, only to run out of the door with G (doggie) into the snow. We were out for 2 hours, surprisingly neither of us was cold, thank God. I love the cold weather so I'm constantly out in it. Not when it's chucking it down but when it's crisp and windy and the sun is shining, I love it! All the Welsh hills and mountains are white and it's a beautiful sight. The snow around our area is still pretty deep and there is more on the way. I'm just glad we don't live up North. My thoughts are with you guys who do :-(.
Went to the supermarket this evening and bought myself some snack foods. I guess sometimes they would be binge foods but tonight I have been SO SO good, I had one portion of flapjack instead of the whole tray. I also made a super healthy dinner to fill myself up before I had any snacks, so that even if I did binge it wouldn't be so terrible.
All in all, a very happy day. I think I need sleep now; my eyes are closing as I type!
Good night all x
Got up first thing for an appointment with my psychiatrist - it went well actually. I have only seen this particular one twice before; I got assigned him in the hospital after struggling for four years to get on with a woman who clashed totally with me personality-wise - she didn't have any interest in helping me, she seemed to think my goal was to antagonise her and she did the same to me. Needless to say this new relationship is actually THERAPEUTIC! He's a really funny, guy, must be in his mid-sixties and very intelligent, very switched on. He actually bothered to ask my opinion on how I was doing, and gave me some interesting information on BPD. Apparently it is not viewed as a 'personality disorder' in the same way as the others. He said it is a disease and can come on at any age. He said that there is a 60% recovery rate within 5 years. Which is the first time I've heard something like this from a pysch. He was basically saying it isn't my fault, it is obviously a biological-chemical-physical disorder but it is possible to learn to manage it and live a fulfilled life.
So that was insightful and helpful. Then I went for a quick walk and got the bus home, only to run out of the door with G (doggie) into the snow. We were out for 2 hours, surprisingly neither of us was cold, thank God. I love the cold weather so I'm constantly out in it. Not when it's chucking it down but when it's crisp and windy and the sun is shining, I love it! All the Welsh hills and mountains are white and it's a beautiful sight. The snow around our area is still pretty deep and there is more on the way. I'm just glad we don't live up North. My thoughts are with you guys who do :-(.
Went to the supermarket this evening and bought myself some snack foods. I guess sometimes they would be binge foods but tonight I have been SO SO good, I had one portion of flapjack instead of the whole tray. I also made a super healthy dinner to fill myself up before I had any snacks, so that even if I did binge it wouldn't be so terrible.
All in all, a very happy day. I think I need sleep now; my eyes are closing as I type!
Good night all x
Monday, 29 November 2010
I CAVED
Dear dear dear.
Not doing so great right now with getting through the evenings. I had a MAJOR bingeing session last night. Like MAMMOTH. I'm feeling the effects today, bigtime. I couldn't even get up to walk the dog. Sugar fog. Totally.
So I'm TRYING to give my body a break from sugar. Basically I am a sugar freak; I probably get most of my calories from sugar. So I'm trying trying trying my best today. I haven't caved as of now. I am taking it by the hour. If I give up then at least I made it part way. I'm in NO WAY hungry, in fact I'm super stuffed from last night, but I still want my sugar fix. Yummy. I have to tell myself it's for my own good, it triggers me bigtime, plus my teeth are falling out and really damaged. Sugar is the culprit. And vomiting, obviously. Why not kill two birds with one stone? I have been cooking beautiful meals and they are really healthy, so this evening I have a gorgeous stew to look forward to. Let's hope I make it there.
I'll write more later. I feel drained.
Peace x
Not doing so great right now with getting through the evenings. I had a MAJOR bingeing session last night. Like MAMMOTH. I'm feeling the effects today, bigtime. I couldn't even get up to walk the dog. Sugar fog. Totally.
So I'm TRYING to give my body a break from sugar. Basically I am a sugar freak; I probably get most of my calories from sugar. So I'm trying trying trying my best today. I haven't caved as of now. I am taking it by the hour. If I give up then at least I made it part way. I'm in NO WAY hungry, in fact I'm super stuffed from last night, but I still want my sugar fix. Yummy. I have to tell myself it's for my own good, it triggers me bigtime, plus my teeth are falling out and really damaged. Sugar is the culprit. And vomiting, obviously. Why not kill two birds with one stone? I have been cooking beautiful meals and they are really healthy, so this evening I have a gorgeous stew to look forward to. Let's hope I make it there.
I'll write more later. I feel drained.
Peace x
Sunday, 28 November 2010
PARENTAL CONTROL OF FOOD
Anyone else's family have something to do with their weight?
I know that mine did.
When I was about 10 I put on a little puppy fat. I have notes I wrote to myself at that time with diet plans I'd devised, encouraged by my parents. I was encouraged to feel like it was not acceptable to be overweight, and that I should have the willpower to resist food, that I should learn to control what I ate. My mother's eating habits are very controlled. She has eaten the same breakfast and lunch pretty much EVERY day since I was a child (I am 26), and the dinner would always be on a rotation, 7 different meals for the 7 days of the week...even when I go home for holidays it's the same as when I was 5 years old...still salad on a monday...
At the same time I had a father who cooked and cooked and stuffed us (my sister and I) full of food. He was big into massive portions, so much so that even with four of us (two of them children) for dinner he normally cooked 1kg spaghetti and 600g mince. Imagine! Obviously we always felt guilty for leaving food, whilst simultaneously feeling guilty for overeating. I remember constantly scorning myself for my lack of self control. To be thin was something I would do if I could only improve my strengh of character, change my personality. I was weak. I couldn't resist.
Typical breakfast with my Dad was 2 slices of buttered toast, can of spaghetti with melted cheese, fried egg on top (aged 10)! I distinctly remember eating bags and bags of crisps and sweets in one day as a child, often stuffing myself. We were spoilt with many trips to McDonalds, a lot of takeaways...always a treat, always a comfort, always something when Mummy was 'tired' and wanted something easy to shut us up.
Otherwise, my mother was very rigid and strict with us. We couldn't have sugary cereal with Mummy, with Daddy it was huge bowls of Frosties or Coco Pops. Dad would buy us bumper bags of sweets while Mum would moan about our weight. My sister was chubby too and I know we both have the same issues now. Funny hey?
I remember my Mum and Dad always arguing in front of us over food. How much we should be getting, what not to eat, my Dad insisting we were kids and should be indulged, my Mum getting us to eat grapefruit and Allbran for breakfast. Mum was pretty tight on portion control...Dad went overboard at every meal...3 burgers, a whole can of baked beans, cheese, a whole plate of chips. All for one ten year old. You can see the problem? He was a big fan of pie with icecream with cream poured on top so that it hardened and cracked. I guess what kid could resist such a party? My Dad would get so offended and get a hurt look on his face if we rejected his food. As teenagers we obviously became more and more health conscious, asking for semi-skim milk, buying healthier snacks, using less oil and butter....we started refusing the food my Dad would cook. For me this was very hard. Partly because I didn't want to upset him, partly because it tasted so good and made me feel good. I guess that's why I started skipping meals in the day and throwing up...so that I could eat his food and make him happy.
Hurtful comments that you are 'fat' and 'chubby' and 'heavy' and 'pig-like' from your relatives are not great. But I think what really stuck with me was the two conflicting ideals that came from my parents...which way was I to go? Who was I supposed to please? Why did I have to choose?
Well, here we are, many years later and I still fight the battle between restriction and over-indulgence day after day. Will I ever be free?
Anyone else have experiences to share on this? Interesting stuff.
I know that mine did.
When I was about 10 I put on a little puppy fat. I have notes I wrote to myself at that time with diet plans I'd devised, encouraged by my parents. I was encouraged to feel like it was not acceptable to be overweight, and that I should have the willpower to resist food, that I should learn to control what I ate. My mother's eating habits are very controlled. She has eaten the same breakfast and lunch pretty much EVERY day since I was a child (I am 26), and the dinner would always be on a rotation, 7 different meals for the 7 days of the week...even when I go home for holidays it's the same as when I was 5 years old...still salad on a monday...
At the same time I had a father who cooked and cooked and stuffed us (my sister and I) full of food. He was big into massive portions, so much so that even with four of us (two of them children) for dinner he normally cooked 1kg spaghetti and 600g mince. Imagine! Obviously we always felt guilty for leaving food, whilst simultaneously feeling guilty for overeating. I remember constantly scorning myself for my lack of self control. To be thin was something I would do if I could only improve my strengh of character, change my personality. I was weak. I couldn't resist.
Typical breakfast with my Dad was 2 slices of buttered toast, can of spaghetti with melted cheese, fried egg on top (aged 10)! I distinctly remember eating bags and bags of crisps and sweets in one day as a child, often stuffing myself. We were spoilt with many trips to McDonalds, a lot of takeaways...always a treat, always a comfort, always something when Mummy was 'tired' and wanted something easy to shut us up.
Otherwise, my mother was very rigid and strict with us. We couldn't have sugary cereal with Mummy, with Daddy it was huge bowls of Frosties or Coco Pops. Dad would buy us bumper bags of sweets while Mum would moan about our weight. My sister was chubby too and I know we both have the same issues now. Funny hey?
I remember my Mum and Dad always arguing in front of us over food. How much we should be getting, what not to eat, my Dad insisting we were kids and should be indulged, my Mum getting us to eat grapefruit and Allbran for breakfast. Mum was pretty tight on portion control...Dad went overboard at every meal...3 burgers, a whole can of baked beans, cheese, a whole plate of chips. All for one ten year old. You can see the problem? He was a big fan of pie with icecream with cream poured on top so that it hardened and cracked. I guess what kid could resist such a party? My Dad would get so offended and get a hurt look on his face if we rejected his food. As teenagers we obviously became more and more health conscious, asking for semi-skim milk, buying healthier snacks, using less oil and butter....we started refusing the food my Dad would cook. For me this was very hard. Partly because I didn't want to upset him, partly because it tasted so good and made me feel good. I guess that's why I started skipping meals in the day and throwing up...so that I could eat his food and make him happy.
Hurtful comments that you are 'fat' and 'chubby' and 'heavy' and 'pig-like' from your relatives are not great. But I think what really stuck with me was the two conflicting ideals that came from my parents...which way was I to go? Who was I supposed to please? Why did I have to choose?
Well, here we are, many years later and I still fight the battle between restriction and over-indulgence day after day. Will I ever be free?
Anyone else have experiences to share on this? Interesting stuff.
STAYING IN CONTROL
Ah, today. More ups and downs. What's new?
Well lots of arguments in the house, followed by apologies. I won't go into detail - just domestics as usual. I guess this is why people don't generally last living together. Sometimes I just think we are SO impossibly different that how could it ever be harmonious? It always ends in spite.
In other news, picked up a great book yesterday and had the time to swallow it whole. I finished it earlier and it was fabulous, best I've read in a while. If you're interested, it was One Day by David Nicholls. Walked the dog in the snow and fell on my arse many times; it is SO mega icy here it's lethal. I am worried about having to take him alone this week, especially as there is more freezing weather, strong arctic winds and more snow. Great. Makes for fun walking weather.
Pretty good day food wise so far. But then it always is until night. Then it goes rapidly downhill. Currently I am battling the 'full' feeling from having had dinner, an ice lolly and some chewy sweets. I struggle so much not to binge when I feel uncomfortably full. Even though I haven't binged or even overeaten. I just love being hungry and HATE being full. Must work on this!
So this evening, major avoidance of bingeing. Maybe I'll start another book.
I might post again later.
Oh and A BIG THANKS to all the commenters on my last post - I will respond asap x
Well lots of arguments in the house, followed by apologies. I won't go into detail - just domestics as usual. I guess this is why people don't generally last living together. Sometimes I just think we are SO impossibly different that how could it ever be harmonious? It always ends in spite.
In other news, picked up a great book yesterday and had the time to swallow it whole. I finished it earlier and it was fabulous, best I've read in a while. If you're interested, it was One Day by David Nicholls. Walked the dog in the snow and fell on my arse many times; it is SO mega icy here it's lethal. I am worried about having to take him alone this week, especially as there is more freezing weather, strong arctic winds and more snow. Great. Makes for fun walking weather.
Pretty good day food wise so far. But then it always is until night. Then it goes rapidly downhill. Currently I am battling the 'full' feeling from having had dinner, an ice lolly and some chewy sweets. I struggle so much not to binge when I feel uncomfortably full. Even though I haven't binged or even overeaten. I just love being hungry and HATE being full. Must work on this!
So this evening, major avoidance of bingeing. Maybe I'll start another book.
I might post again later.
Oh and A BIG THANKS to all the commenters on my last post - I will respond asap x
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