Saturday, 25 September 2010


Today was a very cool day. The company that messed up my keyboard have offered me a brand new one at NO extra cost, saving me over £400! I could not be happier as I was GUTTED when it broke. It's so damn sexy. For a keyboard anyway.

Anyway, my sore throat of the last few days has abated and the head fog has cleared. So I've had a better day. Walked the dog with my OH this morning and the weather was perfect. Cool Autumn breeze but bright blue skies and sunshine. Love it!

So tonight I had been doing really well with my food intake. I had four Weetabix with hot water, two small apples, a few sweets, and pasta with vegetable ragu. So I was well on track, considering I was 6st 5 still today so haven't been gaining. But this evening I had a giant cookie and a cherry bakewell. Ok, not so bad, but I freak out when I eat too much junk that it will inevitably lead to a full-on binge. Often it does. If I weighed more right now I would have felt so disgusted that I would have stuffed my face. I guess the saving grace is that I still have a relatively good calorie count today and I'm quite small at the moment. I think my BMI is around 17 so I don't need to crap myself every time I eat something sweet.

These periods inbetween binges have become so much longer and I guess I am learning to cope without needing to use food. The scary thing is that it only takes a small trigger to get me off track. But the binges are easier to climb out of now. It used to go on for weeks, if not months. Now if it's more than a week it's rare. Last time I full on binged was a couple of weeks ago and I've been relatively ok since. Perhaps because my life is very stable at the moment. I have quite a big gig coming up Saturday and I'm hoping my new keyboard will be here Monday so I can get to grips with it. It's damn complicated!

I really hope that I don't go mad tonight and shove more crap into my stomach. It's so hard not to when I get that sugar buzz. It really sets me off. I tried hot Weetabix to stave a binge, but still ate the sugary stuff. Although as I said, nowhere NEAR a binge.

I really hate how, despite what the scale says, I feel so fat and disgusting if I have a day where I eat quite a lot. Like, if I eat under 1000kcal in a day then I feel thin and relatively happy with myself. But if I eat a near 'normal' amount or over I INSTANTLY snap into thinking I'm huge and it is a constant battle to remind myself otherwise! At least I'm not purging at the moment. It only makes the bingeing worse.

So my goal of the moment: EXERCISE! Got to get myself back to the gym. Even twice a week would be great...let's see if I can stick to it at all. I'm not too hopeful!

Here's to a good day tomorrow!

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