There is SO much of me at the moment that just wants to crawl under a rock and disappear from the world. I'm not doing so great. Have been feeling really low lately and am struggling to feel halfway decent about myself. I did get out with the dog today but other than that it's another day of self-imposed imprisonment. I understand that in the long run it makes everything so much worse, but right now I don't care, I just want to hide and not have to face reality.
I'm really not sure why these past fews weeks have been so hard. I think it's just having a feeling of spinning my wheels, that my life is so stagnant and that I am getting older by the second, yet I am not in any way creating a fulfilling existence for myself. The majority of my time is spent either avoiding reality or worrying about my food intake. I just want a break from it all. I've seriously considered self harming tonight. I know that I won't. It's just horrible to have to deal with those urges on top of fighting the urges to B/P and to drink. Damn! It's hard at the moment just to exist.
Enough whining! Today should have been wonderful as my new keyboard was shipped. Instead I left it downstairs and went to bed in the middle of the day. I just felt too mentally and emotionally drained to even want to look at it. Stupid, hey? Tomorrow I have to get motivated. I have a CPN appointment I have to go to, and there is piano practice to do. Jeez, I need a big kick up the backside today!
Food wise, not good, not bad:
2 Weetabix
Pasta
2 Cherry Bakewells
Small block white chocolate
few sweets
pear
It wasn't a lot of pasta. But I just want to eat and eat comfort food to cheer myself up. Luckily I've had some self restraint. Hmmm.
"It's hard at the moment just to exist." I have felt this way countless times. And I also isolate more than I should. I am definitely a hermit, but I have to always remind myself that it's good to get out of the house and spend time with others every now and then :)
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you are having a hard time right now. It sounds like you dealing with a lot of stress and internal struggles. I want you to know that it is so great that you have been able to fight the urges to engage in those harmful behaviors. It can be very difficult to resist those urges and it takes a LOT of strength. Good for you :) You should be proud of yourself.
I hope you have a nice tomorrow :)
*hugs*
Nicole
this sounds like a really tough time. i'm sorry. i know what it's like just to close the shades and stay in bed. and dread binging and purging. and everything.
ReplyDeletehang in there. may you find the strength to do those things you WANT to do. be gentle, though, this is really difficult.
Hey- just started to follow your blog and wanted to say hi. Thats rough that you are having a hard time right now. Just remember to take it one day, one meal, one moment at a time.
ReplyDeleteI've been eating comfort food while Andy has been away. I hate to think of the number on the scale tomorrow. I'm dreading it. But at the same time I know I can't stay thin forever and it's become harder and harder to fight my body's natural instict to be as it wants to be. I think I'm going to let it win and fight for recovery. Thanks for following my blog :-)
ReplyDelete~Sarah~
Thank you all for the kind words of support...it helps.
ReplyDeleteMelanie:
Thank you for checking in, I will be checking out your blog shortly!
Sairs:
God, it sucks when food is the only friend, hey? And then the dread of the scale and the sinking feeling... it sucks.
I agree, you need to let your body just be what it is, although I can't do this for myself most of the time so I get just how frustrating and scary it can be. I'm here to listen :-)