There is SO much of me at the moment that just wants to crawl under a rock and disappear from the world. I'm not doing so great. Have been feeling really low lately and am struggling to feel halfway decent about myself. I did get out with the dog today but other than that it's another day of self-imposed imprisonment. I understand that in the long run it makes everything so much worse, but right now I don't care, I just want to hide and not have to face reality.
I'm really not sure why these past fews weeks have been so hard. I think it's just having a feeling of spinning my wheels, that my life is so stagnant and that I am getting older by the second, yet I am not in any way creating a fulfilling existence for myself. The majority of my time is spent either avoiding reality or worrying about my food intake. I just want a break from it all. I've seriously considered self harming tonight. I know that I won't. It's just horrible to have to deal with those urges on top of fighting the urges to B/P and to drink. Damn! It's hard at the moment just to exist.
Enough whining! Today should have been wonderful as my new keyboard was shipped. Instead I left it downstairs and went to bed in the middle of the day. I just felt too mentally and emotionally drained to even want to look at it. Stupid, hey? Tomorrow I have to get motivated. I have a CPN appointment I have to go to, and there is piano practice to do. Jeez, I need a big kick up the backside today!
Food wise, not good, not bad:
2 Cherry Bakewells
Small block white chocolate
It wasn't a lot of pasta. But I just want to eat and eat comfort food to cheer myself up. Luckily I've had some self restraint. Hmmm.