Monday, 27 September 2010


Well I have gone back to isolating really badly lately. I haven't seen my therapist for over a month, or my CPN for that matter. Normally I see them both weekly. I haven't gone out alone except for to walk the dog in weeks. It's got bad. And now it's at the point where I'm shit scared to get on the bus to go to my appointment on Wednesday. I was doing SO well, forcing myself out the door as much as possible so I didn't slide back to this. I just have to kick myself back into action and get out there. Otherwise I will be on a slippery slope back to agoraphobia and major anxiety. Not fun.

Food wise, OK I guess. I'm having one of those days where no matter what I eat, I feel hungry. Like I could eat and eat and never get full. Maybe it's because I'm churned up inside and feeling pretty low. But it's a crappy feeling because I cannot afford to gain weight. I have been stuck, inexplicably, at 6st 6lb for the past few days. I think it's because I've been pretty constipated from all the pain medication. I've upped my Buprenorphine patches to 15mg/hr which is a pretty big dose, and it messes with my insides. I've also been feeling more spaced out and drowsy which isn't so good when I'm having issues with motivating myself. It's a great excuse to curl up in bed and watch TV.

I keep telling myself that I WILL get to the gym. I mean it when I say it, but it's just the anxiety that's stopping me right now! Pathetic, I know. I think if I had a gym buddy that called for me or whatever then I'd be able to go. It's intimidating going alone. I'm fine once I get there. In fact the exercise makes me feel GREAT and it also helps me deal with my anxiety and my weight issues. I love being toned, and at the moment despite being quite small I am not very toned at all, compared to how I was in the Spring. I was doing great at getting to the gym and feeling good for it. It's a better outlet than drinking or cutting, or bingeing...the worst!

So it's been a couple of weeks since my last major binge now. Good, hey? I'm scared that I will go overboard tonight and not be able to stop. I have had today:

pasta with veggie tomato sauce
2 Weetabix
small apple
few sweets
cherry bakewell
white chocolate cookie

So not amazing but not much. The amount of pasta I ate was kinda pathetic. I am STARVING goddamnit but I don't want to trigger a binge. Maybe I'll have a bowl of hot Weetabix. That usually works.

My CPN called today and fixed up an appointment for Wednesday. I don't want to go. I feel like sometimes it's a waste of time with her. It takes me so much effort and I'm so anxious getting there and back, and sometimes I only see her for a few minutes. I guess because it's in town it gives me an excuse to shop and get to the massive Central Library. I love it there.

Was trying to get it across to my OH today that inevitably I am going to want to have a baby in the next few years. I have been trying to kid myself that I'd be OK not having children but deep down I could never imagine myself not becoming a mother. Children bring me so much joy. And yes, I have issues, but I'm working on them and doesn't everyone, to a certain extent? I've been stable for a good while. I'm probably happier and more secure than I can ever remember being. But I can't see much of a future with him in it, to be honest, if he is hell bent on not wanting a child. The dilemma is do I stay and enjoy it while it lasts, or take the chance on being single and finding 'the one'? I guess the biggest problem I have is that this has become my stability and my anchor. It's scary to think about change. And I do love him very much. I function well when we're together. He keeps my feet on the ground and looks after my best interests, which sometimes I am unable to do. The scary part is thinking that all the time we're together, I am not finding a life partner, and eventually time will run out and I'll not have the opportunity to create the family that I desire.

Scary thoughts, hey?

The desire to drink has been slightly less in the past few days. I have been taking my Antabuse, and as usual that provokes a mixture of being grateful for the safety it gives me, but also feeling angry that my escape route is cut off. I fight against it so much, but every time I relapse there is the potential for me to kill myself. It has become too much of a reality, and each time gets worse and more out of control.

Anyway, enough ramblings. Hopefully I will meet some like-minded people through this blog...Lord knows I could do with the friendship.

For now x


  1. i take antabuse too. without it, i don't find the discipline. there's safety in it. but i can feel furious with it too -- it owns my body. still, it's better than drinking!

    hang in there. this is all such painfully hard stuff. when i look at my eating, my drugging, my drinking, my issues with men, my incessant spending of money -- i really don't know where to begin. but one step at a time, one day at a time, one hour at a time...

    i have felt really lonely and isolated -- who else could understand this all? i'm so glad i found your blog.

  2. I hope that together we can stay strong... I too have major issues with men...I went through a tough patch of drinking and ending up in bed with strangers, to punish myself for how terrible I felt at the time. Now I'm in a relationship with a guy who is 21 years older than me and I see him as a father figure. It's sometimes a bit messed up...but he does provide the stability that I never had.

    I will continue to follow your blog... here's to a brighter tomorrow :-) x