Wednesday, 22 September 2010


Today I have to report that I am feeling distinctly empty. I have, for the past year, been working towards a big goal. And recently I have decided it is not what I want from life. All of my plans and the slog to get to this place have evaporated and I am back to square one.

Now, I know this is not strictly true, because I am going in an entirely different direction which could eventually be very fulfilling and rewarding. But for now there is the unknown, that scary dark tunnel ahead and I don't know if I'll be able to find my way through. I guess I need to come up with baby steps and a strategy to get me motivated over the next few months.

I haven't been too bad with eating lately. I haven't binged since last Thursday morning. Today I REALLY wanted to, and granted I have had a lot of sweets and a cookie. But not much else and I don't have that awful sluggish, full, tired feeling that I get when I binge. So all good on the food front.

But still, I feel low. I'm walking the dog, I'm reading other blogs for encouragement, I'm working towards small milestones. And if I compare my life to last summer when I was in rehab, still self harming, recovering from years of alcohol and drug abuse and basically an emotional train wreck, just to be here writing this is a miracle. I thought for so long after that living hell that I would never ever be able to have a day without that awful, bleak knot inside of me that wanted me to lay down and give up. It is only in the last few months that life has truly seemed worth living and every day precious in its own right. I no longer dread waking. I have so much more emotional capacity to survive. Damn, it took hard work. But it is finally paying off.

So, the most important thing right now is to PUSH ON. To keep forward thinking, to journal and timetable my days so that I fit in the necessary and don't spend too much time moping or getting anxious about what I SHOULD be doing. I need to take affirmative ACTION rather than putting it all off until 'tomorrow', which we all know never comes.

Enough for now..

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