THE UPS AND DOWNS OF IT

Well today has been pretty good, considering.

Last night I binged. SO BADLY. The biggest binge I've had in months, and I purged a lot. In fact, I kept eating so much that I was sick without my own assistance, TMI sorry! So I ended up going to bed clutching my tummy with a bowl by the bed. Luckily I didn't need to use it.

So what happened? I don't know. I was in a miserable mood because inside of going down to the clinic to take my Antabuse, I bummed around the house for the whole afternoon/evening, and pretty much all of the time thinking in the back of my mind that bingeing would help SO much. Of course it brought the comfort that I was craving for all of five minutes, before I felt really ill and like absolute shit. Obviously last night I didn't manage to pull myself out of the chaos. Felt like it went on forever and I was exhausted and so emotional afterwards.

Imagine me, there I am on the bathroom floor, hunched over the toilet, tears streaming from my eyes and snot from my nose from the force of vomiting. Not washed in days, my hair pulled back out of my face, my sleeves pulled up. In the mirror I look a mess. My face is white, swollen puffy red eyes, raw throat, sore knuckles. Plus that utterly consuming craving to do it all again.

What's the deal with that? You binge, purge, feel so awful even in that moment that you swear you'll NEVER do it again. Five minutes later your hungry, hollow again and the stuffing recommences. How messed up is that?


So that was last night. Obviously I woke up feeling bad. Like really bad. Sick, headache, can't face the light and the noise, aching all over...basically like a bad hangover. A sugar hangover. The worst.

I felt better gradually, hauled myself out of bed, cleaned, played piano, walked the dog. Ah, a good day, the calm after the storm. Went to the supermarket and got lots of fresh produce. Tonight I am cooking pan-fried rainbow trout, stirfried veggies with egg noodles, sweet chilli sauce and a side salad. Get my veggies in, hey?! Yum. Can't wait.

Hopefully I will cope a little better tonight. I haven't eaten today (yeh, I know), a couple of hard candies...so I'm crossing my fingers that dinner won't trigger a binge. Last night that's definitely what set me off. I was arguing with myself for HOURS about whether to eat dinner, and what to eat. I wasn't at all hungry but had hardly eaten, so thought I should. I had a curry, not a massive portion, but I think I would have been better off with fruit and cereal, something that wouldn't fill me up so much. I felt so gross, so full, panicky...you got it. Binge time.

So tonight, a yummy but really healthy dinner and then chill out in front of the TV and read some blogs for support. I'm ok, I'm doing ok. I can get through this.

In other news, it snowed last night so today was gorgeous, picture postcard British winter. I forgot my camera on the walk which was such a shame because the sunset was amazing. I'll remember it tomorrow and try to post some pictures.

I seem to have figured out the right combination of laxatives to take to get things moving in a good direction... yuck I know but I can't stand that bloated, over-full feeling that I've had for weeks now. It's very triggering to have a stomach like a football.

Thankfully things at home are ok. Still arguing, but who doesn't? Apart from that I love that secure feeling I get knowing that I have a home to go to. It still surprises me sometimes. I have had so many years of being tossed around, feeling unwanted. Finally I am somewhere safe from the people who chose to defile my body and invalidate me in every way as a human being. I'm sure you guys know where I'm coming from. I understand the staying overweight/underweight to avoid looking attractive/sexy to men. It's a scary prospect. I hate that I trigger that response in males. It makes me vulnerable and scared, a rabbit in the headlights, loss of control, anxious, fearful... thank God I don't have to go there at the moment. The man I'm with is the first to respect my body and my sexual boundaries, and we have a pretty much platonic relationship in many ways. We rarely take each other to bed, and he totally respects the fear that it provokes in me. At the same time it is his choice too. He is older and not at all pushy and opportunistic in bed like most people I've been with. I guess he's taught me that it's ok to say no, it's ok to respect yourself enough NOT to let it happen. To have the power to walk away.

Thank you to all of you who continue to support me. It really does help. You guys rock :-). Feel free to share my blog around, let's build a big community support network and get ourselves out there rockin' the world.

Keep smiling. Until next time x