KEEPING AFLOAT

Well I am going to try and update much more frequently again. I find sometimes I shut down my emotions and just go onto autopilot in order to survive, and in times like these it's hard to blog about how I feel and what's going on. However, I feel a bit more like writing today so we'll see.

The past week has actually been more than surprisingly good. I have been put on a new tablet called Pregablin (Gabapentin for you US readers) which is being prescribed for anti-anxiety. I have to say so far it's been a bit of a miracle drug. I am not crippled by anxiety, and I think I have got more done in the last week than I have in years. I've played four gigs, cleaned and sorted the house, continued to walk George, done a lot of my Christmas shopping, practised keys, pretty much haven't sat down. I am also off sleeping tablets for the first time in over a year. This is a pretty major achievement as the only reason I haven't come off them sooner is anxiety and fear over what would happen, and now the irony is I am sleeping better and feeling more refreshed for it.

So overall, really a better week than I could have possibly hoped for. I just pray that it continues. I even went and bought myself a little netbook so that I can start writing again, and have spent a lot of time this week in coffee shops attempting this... I'm kind of out of practice but I will get back there. It's time for me to start trying a bit harder to get some words out of me. I find it incredibly cathartic.

My boyfriend bought me a gorgeous necklace for an early Christmas present which is engraved with my drug allergies and also the fact that I am on Antabuse, in case of emergency. I think the major driving force behind having it is that every time I touch it I remember why I am striving to get better. I am actually attending supervised breathaliser tests and taking my meds this way three times a week, which means a lot of bus journeys and time spent but it also means I feel safer and more stable than I have in so long. As long as I'm on Antabuse I'm safe. I can rationalise my feelings and control my impulses - a big deal for such a severe self-harmer. I have to wake up every single morning and tell myself that I can NEVER drink again. It's the only way. What's the point in kidding myself that I could? It always, without fail, ends in disaster.

So I have written a lot about the positives and I think really there is only one area of concern at the moment, and that is my eating/weight/food issues. I lost weight in hospital and I will try not to mention too many numbers but my BMI is currently 16 and I am almost a stone down from my 'normal' stable weight. My periods have stopped again and I feel pretty exhausted, never mind looking gaunt. I have managed to maintain my weight this week but I'm still not doing so great eating wise. I've been put on Ensures and I'm struggling between my strong desire NOT to drink them, and the will to keep myself well so my life doesn't deteriorate in another way. As long as I don't lose more weight I'll be ok. I just need to remind myself that I do need to eat and take in enough energy to sustain myself long term. So that's the battle right now. I'll keep you updated. The last thing I want is to end up tube-fed or go in for refeeding. I need to keep it under my control yet maintain the balance between my negative thoughts and my positive actions. It's a struggle, always. Especially because I like being at a lower weight, I feel safe here and I feel in control, even though realistically this is far from the truth. I'll keep plodding on and keep you posted.

For now, thank you for reading and I promise to start commenting again on your lovely blogs.

Much love to you all, and to my new followers, welcome x