Went into town today and bought a few things. I got a memory foam pillow because it was on offer, and I already have a mattress topper which is amazing and I can't sleep without pain anyway, so it really lessens the pain on bad nights. Bought some of my favourite licorice toffee, yummy. A new pair of jeans...I'm back in kids sizes, age 11-12. I don't really mind, I have never been big really, but I know I need to maintain my weight. I haven't done so well today; managed a bowl of Weetabix and a pear. I'll get there. I plan to have a proper dinner, pasta probably with meat. So I am trying I guess. Not hard enough, I know. But it's so scary to eat when I know that the scales will creep up because I have been starving myself. And it's hard to cope with the extreme water retention because the bloating makes me feel so fat and uncomfortable. I'm also suffering from bad reflux and nausea, so I am put off eating most of the time, in order to stop the symptoms. I wish it was a pleasurable experience but generally I feel crap for a couple of hours after I eat. Hence why I need to drink the calories. I haven't even managed one Ensure yet. It's a bit pathetic. Something has to change...I guess my thought process is going like this:
Have to maintain low weight, so can't eat more... don't want to eat more and gain weight because I like being thin and I feel calm and in control... am very good at looking in the mirror and seeing myself as big...knowing there is more weight to lose...worrying about my health and wanting to eat...scared to eat because I know my weight will go up...want to eat because I'm tired and cold and dizzy...don't want to eat because it makes me feel poorly and uncomfortable.
I don't want this all to end in an admission and a tube feed.
I guess I know it all, I know the solutions, I am just choosing not to look after myself. BAD BAD girl.
Enough for now x