I want to reply to some comments because I'm guessing you guys are fed up of commenting and thinking I don't read them/read your blogs...I do, I'm just struggling to find words.
Balance is a hard thing to obtain in any aspect of life. I just worry cause your walking a thin line now. Just keep us posted xoxox
Ms. Chunky Chick - you're right, I guess now I'm punishing myself today for b/ping the last two days, and the scales are reflecting it. I'm retaining water, I took laxatives and so far am still bloated and full, so I guess I feel more depressed this way. All I keep thinking is that at this weight I am safe but if I lose I will be ill yet if I gain I will go mentally downhill. It's a tightrope.
I wish you all the best and strength to overcome your restrictive eating. Be kind to your body, it is the only one you'll ever get. (hugs)
In the Pink - Every day I remind myself why I need to stay strong - because I don't want to die, because I have so much to life for and I am so thankful to have a place on this Earth. It's precious and sometimes I just want to let all of this go and embrace what I could have. I think I am slowly getting there. Hopefully things will continue to improve in my lifestyle and it will motivate me to take better care of me.
You pretend you want to take the meds. You pretend you love yourself. In time, those things you were pretending become real and true. But you have to push yourself to step into territory that is scary and uncomfortable. If you chose to stay where you are, there are people who will try to help you and care for you. How much better would life be if YOU were the one driving yourself to improve and change?
amandakiska - thank you. I know you're right. My mum suffered from severe post-natal depression and one thing she told me was that she just had to get on with it, pretend that she was happy, pretend that she was ok, and then one day she woke up and she actually WAS ok, no pretence. Your words are very real to me.
Yes, it's shit isn't it? I don't think people realise unless they have been through it in the UK, but there is just nothing available, or you're on a waiting list for a couple of years.
Pixie - my therapist described living in Wales as being like living in a Third World country when it comes to mental healthcare. I wish it was different. I guess the only thing that it has taught me is that I have to take care of myself and take responsibility for myself, because ultimately I will be the only one who gives a shit about me. It's a sad fact but it definitely promotes self-preservation. It would be so nice to have the support I feel I need though. It can be a dark, lonely place struggling alone. My heart goes out to you for having to struggle through this wasteland...perhaps one day things will change. I pray that it will be in my lifetime, or that I can do something to be part of that change and allow future generations to get the treatment they need.
I want you so badly to be able to get proper care for all you current problems and going inpatient would be the best way for that. It sucks that isn't an option available to you. I wish you all the best Lady Laz. And take babysteps with the eating so you do not become too anxious.
In the Pink - again, thank you for commenting. It helps to know you're reading and thinking of me. Babysteps, yes...so right. I cannot believe I b/ped and am now having to deal with it on top of everything else. I am trying to move on and take today as a fresh day...it's all I can do to try and break that cycle. I know where it heads and it isn't pretty.
Thank you all for continuing to read and to offer your support. I appreciate it so much x