My periods have stopped again. When I was anorexic at 18 they stopped for 2 years, even after significant weight gain it took a long time for them to come back. Part of me couldn't care less, I mean what woman actually wants her period?! Another side of me has to acknowledge that this means trouble for my body. I know that it is not good news for my bones...or my fertility...
What to do? I managed to eat a decent portion of dinner. I guess because my stomach was so empty and I haven't eaten much today I don't feel too bad for eating. This battle is getting tough. I am honestly scared to gain weight.
I've been thinking a lot about labels...if I were to ask my CPN/therapist they would of course say I was anorexic. But I can't equate myself now with the anorexic girl that I used to be. I would say I am functioning to a high level and I am eating enough to sustain me. I guess I need to just keep my head above water because a little more weight loss and I think I'd have to admit the problem to myself and accept the treatment. As it is, I can't seem to do that. I seem to be too comfortable in my bubble.
I'm listening. I can't comment as it is a bit triggery for me, but I am here x
ReplyDeleteBalance is a hard thing to obtain in any aspect of life. I just worry cause your walking a thin line now. Just keep us posted xoxox
ReplyDeleteI wish you all the best and strength to overcome your restrictive eating.
ReplyDeleteBe kind to your body, it is the only one you'll ever get. (hugs)
It has been many years since I was where you are, but what I learned is that you just have to decide not to live like this anymore. You can accept the labels and allow them to identify you or you can act "as if" you were the person you want to be. At first it is just pretending. You pretend you aren't afraid of gaining weight. You pretend you want to take the meds. You pretend you love yourself. In time, those things you were pretending become real and true. But you have to push yourself to step into territory that is scary and uncomfortable. If you chose to stay where you are, there are people who will try to help you and care for you. How much better would life be if YOU were the one driving yourself to improve and change?
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