Well what can I say? As usual things are going well but I don't feel good inside. What do I mean by that? I'll try to explain. Basically everything is, I guess, as it should be. My weight is stable enough and I'm not bingeing. I played a great gig tonight and got lots of compliments, including being asked out on a dinner date (not sure my OH was too impressed!). I've been able to walk the dog without collapsing in pain, and I've been taking my Antabuse regularly.
Yet...I STILL feel down, hollow, numb, empty.
Will I ever get to a stage where the good days outweigh the bad? Sometimes I really just want to black out the room, lie on the floor and pretend I don't exist. At least that way I can shut out the world. Unfortunately I can't shut myself off from my thoughts, and since I'm doing such a 'great' job at not using negative behaviours, I find myself stuck with a head full of crap that I don't want to deal with.
Take last night. Now, as an aside, I very very rarely cry. I'm not a girly girl, I'm not slushy, and I can't even remember the last time I cried sober. But I was watching a stupid documentary on school leavers' proms, and for some reason I was in floods of tears. It took me hours to calm down. I just felt like a scared little child again, and all of the pain and fear and shame of my childhood and how desperately unhappy I was hit me full in the face. It's not really something I've ever looked at or tried to deal with. I guess I have always tried not to look backwards, because it is painful and usually not productive. But suddenly I found myself SOBBING for the childhood I never had, mourning my loss and feeling like I've lost so much of my life that I'll never claw back.
I guess the saddest fact is that I'm 25 years old and I still feel like a vulnerable, scared child that cannot cope alone, and needs someone to support me otherwise I will crumble and fall. I know that I am STILL holding myself back from living the life I want to live, in terms of my career, my friends, my relationship...pretty much everything. All because of fear. I'm afraid to be alone, I'm afraid I couldn't cope, that I'd end up back in hospital. And the sad thing is I probably would, given my track record.
Gosh that all sounds pretty depressing. I guess relatively I DO feel good, and things ARE going well. I mean, last year I was pretty much in and out of the hospital (medically) from doing so much shit to my body...overdoses, alcoholism, skin grafts, drug abuse, severe self harm to the point of cutting through muscles, veins, nerves....I know that my poor body wears the scars of all the years of abuse. And there is much progress being made. It's just hard to stay positive when sometimes I just want to get off the rollercoaster and take a break from my emotions.
Well, I should probably try to focus on the positives, including the fact that tonight was wicked, and I sang harmonies as well as playing. I feel like my musical life is progressing well, but there are SO many things I want to do with my life and I am still holding myself back. I will post more about my desires soon....I just don't feel very coherent after a night of blasting my ears out with live music. It was kinda fun though, hey?!
I wanted to take the opportunity too to say THANK YOU to everyone that has commented. It means so much to know that I am not alone. I will be responding, I promise, I'm just mega tired and in need of my bed!
Much love x
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