I will confess that today, no, I didn't do so great.
Seems ironic given my last few posts.
To put it simply:
My parents visited today.
I bought half a litre of vodka
to drown out the pain
drank it all
that's where I am right now.
It's sad, yes. The saving grace is that I spaced it out so much that I am still sober.
The worst part? I let myself down bigtime.
Luckily, I am the only person close to me that knows.
Neither my parents nor my OH know I've had a drink...
To some of you this may seem dishonest
But if you knew that you'd have nowhere to sleep tonight or for the immediate future if you told the truth, would you do so?
Perhaps you would. Perhaps you'd like to think you would.
But I've been there before.
I've had nowhere to go.
I've had noone.
And it's freakin scary stuff.
So right now, I'm going to forgive myself for using alcohol to numb the pain/fear/stress that comes from seeing my family.
And I shall wake up sober tomorrow and continue my abstinence.
Maybe to some of you this is not brave.
Perhaps I seem hypocritical.
But I believe that the difference between me now and the 'alcoholic' me is that I can admit my mistake, be sorry for it, accept that I did wrong, and learn from it...
Most importantly, I will wake up tomorrow EVEN MORE DETERMINED to stay sober and back on the track to the life I want to lead.
This does not have to end in tears.
I'm sorry if there are bloggers out there who believe I am in the wrong,
But to you I say that it is harder to ADMIT to your mistakes and learn from them, than to believe that you are perfect and continue to live a blinkered life.
Love to you all,
L x
Lapses are so painful. i'm sorry you have to go thru it.
ReplyDeleteyes, get right back into sobriety. that's really all we can do. i don't know any addict who hasn't lapsed or relapsed. and life-long sobriety is possible. and it looks like it will feel good.
is there someone you can talk to who won't judge or make life difficult for you? (i'm new to your blog -- i don't who OH is.)
take good care. rest, eat healthfully (easier said than done, i know), treat yourself kindly, reach to a friend (if you feel you can) and let us know how you are.
Know what? You are amazing. Absolutely amazing. Through the fog you can still see your goal, and yes you've had a blip. But you are NOT a hypocrite, and you are most certainly brave. You are merely doing exactly what you need to do to survive. When you open your eyes in the morning, don't be full of regret, don't feel any guilt. You don't deserve to feel bad. Just think, at some point I will know how to deal with this in a less destructive way. Do we shout at a three year old who has not learned the alphabet? Do we abandon them, do we ignore them, do we think so badly of them? I see us in the same light. We have not yet learned how to cope with what life throws at us so we act in order to survive.
ReplyDeleteAnd look at you talking about a new start tomorrow!! Do you realise how incredible that is? Just saying the words is incredible even if it doesn't happen.
And no, I don't know you, but trust me, you are never alone and my door would always be open for you.
Keep being amazing xx
Thanks for following my blog. I hope you're having a good day. I don't think you're wrong. I think you're very brave and I agree with you.
ReplyDeleteXOXO,
Addy
Ahh hun. i have no idea what its like to fall off that particular wagon, but if you didnt get pissed what was the point? This may sound random, but surely you bought the vodka to obliterate the feelings and the pain, but you didnt get drunk so how did it obliterate the pain? If you didnt get drunk... did it help?
ReplyDeleteI know if I have a chocolate/takeaway blowout, I want my belly to distend and to feel really shit to make myself feel better. Having just a bar of chocolate or a small helping of curry doesnt cut the mustard, so maybe you want to look at this and see the positive.
You didnt get ruined, and if you had really needed the vodka to kill the pain you would have got ruined! Maybe the need for this drug has lessened.
god, I could be totally wrong, but that crossed my mind - dunno if I am getting my poitn across here, but if I am 'on the wagon' diet wise, I cant have free reign, and have to be careful.
For instance if I have a huge kg bar of dairy milk, I couldnt just have one strip and then leave it until next week. I have to buy my drug of choice in a safe quantity, but I dont spread it out, I gulp it all down so quick I hardly taste it... You didnt do that. Maybe your first reaction was to have it, but you paced yourself, and you didnt get ruined.
I would avoid it again, but I would see that as hope mate.
x
it really does suck that you had to relapse. But hey, it happens to the best of us. I am proud of you being able to admit it online. Don't beat yourself up. Hope tomorrow is a better day for you.
ReplyDelete