Monday, 4 October 2010

Blank

I have gone 12 hours without sugar. Right now I’m NOT having a good day. I’ve already argued with my OH, who was REALLY pissing me off this morning. I won’t go into the boring details. Let’s just say he can be stubborn and is always right, if you get what I mean! Plus he nags me when he knows I’m already feeling like shit. Then of course I snap back because I can’t deal with it. I know that I overreact, probably a borderline trait but mostly because I am just impatient and stressy with him. And he is the same with me. I have a really bad temper. I get frustrated SO easily and I end up shouting at him when he doesn’t get what I’m saying. I know I’m horrible and he always forgives me. God knows why!? I’m lucky to still have a partner. I wouldn’t put up with me. Not that he’s much better!

So I’m already dying to comfort eat. I am feeling so miserable at the moment. I’ve actually had a great few months mood wise, and now I feel myself sinking back into depression. I HATE feeling like this, and I guess trying to get my eating on track is one pro-active step towards dragging myself out of it. When my body feels healthy and strong my mental state improves. Yet it’s so hard because when I’m sad all I want to do is snuggle in bed with lots of crappy food to cheer me up. Oh and crap TV, which means I stay in the house and don’t venture further than walking the dog. I took him out this morning and I was planning on going into town and trying to make my day a bit more interesting. But right now I can’t find the motivation to go out. I feel too anxious and totally overwhelmed with the world. I know that my CPN is coming to take me to the supermarket on Wednesday. A couple of months ago I would have been more than capable of going on my own. It’s a slippery slope. I’m having to force myself even to do gigs. I usually love playing. Why can’t I get myself up the hill?!

I think some of this might be to do with the increase in my pain meds. I started off a couple of months ago on Buprenorphine 5mg/hr. Then it went up to 10mg, now 15mg. I have noticed how tired and spaced out I feel most of the time now, and I have no energy to do anything. It’s like I’m in a fog and I’m apathetic to life. The problem is without the meds I can’t function, I can’t walk, I can’t take the dog out, I struggle even to play at gigs, particularly because I’m in so much pain in my hips, and at the same time my hands are cramping and giving up on me. I know I’m still in pain now, even on strong meds. But it’s a fine line between quality of life and being able to function on so many meds. There really is no answer. I go back to physio again next week. I have been dozens of times through the years and the best exercise for me has always been hydro, i.e. swimming. Yet even though there is a pool five minutes walk from my house, I can’t bear the thought of going alone. I have noone to go with, so I just don’t bother. Even though I REALLY would love to! I need to kick myself out the door ☹.

I’m so damn FRUSTRATED with myself! Any suggestions?!

I think I’m going to go back to bed. I can’t deal with life today.

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