Friday, 15 October 2010


So it's a beautiful day outside, wintery and crisp. Perfect walking weather. Me and my furry friend just got back from a great two hour walk. I think I managed to wear him out. He's asleep on my furry slipper boots right now. Anything to get close to Mummy's smell, hey?! Silly dog.

In other news, I'm feeling pretty good today. I ate pretty normally yesterday, as drinking makes me RAVENOUS, and I weighed the same this morning. I've been EXACTLY the same weight for days now. That never normally happens; for some reason my weight majorly fluctuates. Maybe my body is happy here.

It's a fine line right now between me being 'healthy' and 'slim' and 'gaunt' and 'skinny'. I mean, I'm probably a stone under the weight an average person my height would be. However, I have an EXTREMELY small frame, like my bones are teeny tiny and I do not carry weight well, as I am the classic pear shape despite being small.

So I guess I can't trust my own judgement. Yet I'm SO much more functional at this weight, I'm calmer, happier, more confident....I guess because being heavier means I'm using bingeing, which means I'm purging, which means I'm anxious and angry, and constantly frustrated with myself. Plus I isolate REALLY badly when I'm in B/P phases, because I can't stand the thought of other people knowing how much weight I've gained. And like I said, it shows very quickly on me. I don't carry weight well at all as a little person. God I want long, lean legs!

So it's my birthday Monday and my OH is working Saturday so he can take the day off and spend time with me. I hope we can go for a lovely long walk in the country and go out for dinner. That would be perfect. I need to go into town at some point - I haven't done any decent clothes shopping in AGES and I feel like being girly and traipsing around the shops on my own.

I guess it would be nice to have a close girl friend here. I isolated myself so totally during the last few shitty years that I literally have no close friends now. And I don't know how to make them. I'm not good at close relationships, I'm not great at getting out, I'm confident yet shy... go figure. I have acquaintances but noone I would even consider close enough to go shopping or for coffee with. That's pretty sad, because I know I'm good company when I'm well. I guess people always FREAK when they find out how unstable and self-destructive I can be. Plus obviously people judge me by the terrible scarring on my arms. It intimidates a lot of people. Luckily I'm not ashamed of them at all and don't cover them up. I guess it's because I want there to be more awareness of SH as an issue that is seen as shameful and something to be hidden. I know that some people would like to bear their scars but don't feel brave enough or safe enough to do so. Perhaps by showing that it's ok to do so I can promote a healthier image of the issue. I think it's surprisingly taboo, considering the extent to which drugs, alcohol and food are singled out by the media as aspects of self harm or self abuse.

This post has turned out long. I guess I talk more when I feel good. There is a lot that I want to write about at the moment. For now I'll go get tea and see how the day pans out. I should really be practising for Saturday's gig. Whoops.


  1. Happy birthday for monday, I hope you have an awesome day and I also hope you have lots of fun shopping. I LOVE shopping :-)

  2. Happy birthday! Keep fighting the good fight. You are worth the effort!

  3. Happy belated b-day! So glad to hear you are feeling better.

  4. Happy belated birthday mine was on Oct 14. Just keep going. Ps I too love shopping hope you got some very cute girly stuff...

  5. Hope you had a good birthday - mine was peaceful but nice. I am grateful for the people who made me smile today :-) x