Wednesday, 13 October 2010

Just Keep Swimming

I have decided that, for now, I shall keep numbers on my blog to a minimum.

I would never consciously want to trigger others by posting my weight or how much I've eaten.

I am having a hard time understanding my ED right now and my relationship to it.

I went a long time as severely anorexic from when I was around 18-20. Certainly, I had an eating disorder much younger but this was the most acute phase, medically. I was, at one point, given days to live. I wasn't allowed to go IP because their insurance wouldn't cover me. They called me a 'walking death wish'. So obviously my choice then was go into a medical ward for an NG and refeeding, then on to IP. OR, do something about it myself.

I guess I freaked, decided to eat, tried hard... gained weight.

Eventually, though, I let it slide out of control and before I knew it I was bulimic. Full blown, B/P sometimes 7 times a day. EXHAUSTED. At the higher end of my weight range and DOUBLE my low weight.

Well,'s been a long, hard road back to normality.

For the last couple of years I have managed to stabilise myself to the point where I have eaten normally and had fewer and fewer periods of B/P. My weight was in a healthy range...I guess I considered myself more or less 'recovered'.

Only, here's the thing. Honestly, I see myself slipping sometimes. More and more restriction, less bingeing (great!) but more obsessional, ED related thoughts and behaviour. I have lost weight, yes. But this is usually a cyclical thing. Normally I lose, then I B/P for a few months, then I get the idea.

This time, well what I'm saying is that I think I just have to keep myself in check. My BMI is just about normal, I look healthy according to everyone around me, I don't look underweight or anything. I just want to check my behaviours now before I let myself go too far down a dangerous road.

I don't want to start comprimising my life again just for the sake of a few pounds.

Luckily I'm not in that dark place, and I know I often feel like going down that road. These days though I have seen how beautiful and amazing life is when you actually FEEL it and LIVE it for real. And I can't ever let myself slip too far. I guess it's a matter of life or death.

Well my day was good. I had physio, I had a meeting with an outreach lady, I'm planning on going back to the gym and am starting hydro again soon. So, yes, a good day.

It's been damn tough though. I have had many opportunities to go to the shop on our street and buy drink. I've come close. But I have the power these days to talk myself down to reality and convince myself that I am SO MUCH BETTER OFF without it.

And of course I am.

I forgot how ravenous alcohol makes me...all last night and today I've been STARVING despite eating a ton of food. No wonder I lost weight when I gave up my late night drunken binges.

So, the plan for tomorrow...have a laugh at my own expense with my new exercise DVD (I just got the Jillian Michaels 30 day shred). Bit scared of it to be honest because I'm a wimp when it comes to exercise! I'm pathetically weak at the moment and that's the worst for my joint condition. So I'm going to kick my own butt tomorrow! Wish me luck!

One last word: Do any of you have a question you'd like to ask me about my life? If so comment and I'll respond, and ask you one back. A little getting to know you...getting to know me...

Love to you all x

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