Sunday, 10 October 2010


1. I AM IN CONTROL OF MY ACTIONS - I cannot tell you how scary it is to wake up in the morning with amnesia and find out you have a broken hand, are black and blue and have a concussion from thrashing around and screaming like a murderous psycho for six hours in the psych room of A&E.

2. I HAVE A HOME AND A FAMILY - The threat of being kicked out is so REAL when I drink. My personality turns into a total evil psycho bitch and it has in the past led to BAD things...more of those stories another day. My OH WILL eventually leave. He has threatened too much for it not to be real. I have been on the phone to emergency social housing before, I have been left in the middle of nowhere 3 hours from home, I have been in an ambulance solo countless times.

3. I CAN CONTROL MY IMPULSES - I have not self-harmed sober in a year. The last time I did SH I nearly died. I cut through muscle and veins in my wrist and lost 3 pints of blood. I don't remember a thing except waking up in resus being told I needed a blood transfusion. More stitches, more family trauma, more threats of abandonment from my OH. I won't go on.

4. I DON'T WAKE UP FEELING LIKE DEATH - A blessing to get out of bed at a decent hour without puking, having the runs, shaking uncontrollably or having the worst headache in the history of the world. Also, I have a heart problem that is WAY exacerbated when I'm drunk/hungover to the point where it freaks me out bigtime.

5. NOT BEING TERRIFIED TO GO TO SLEEP AT NIGHT FOR FEAR OF DYING - Alcohol, Morphine, Benzos...every night an overdose, a litre of vodka....bad.

6. NOT COUNTING DOWN EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY UNTIL I CAN DRINK, OR LIE TO OH ABOUT HOW MUCH/WHEN. Probably the saddest thing is the deception. I was a devious little bugger and the word 'trust' is still a dodgy one in our house.

7. NOT BEING SO DESPERATE FOR DRINK THAT WHEN I DRANK VODKA STRAIGHT AND PUKED IT UP I DRANK THE PUKE TO GET THE ALCOHOL IN ME. What can I say? Most of the time I cried when I was drinking it because my insides were already burning and messed up totally from the incessant drinking. My liver would scream and my stomach would be on fire and yet I still drank on.

8. BEING ABLE TO LIVE - the joy of being spontaneous, having the energy and desire to have fun, to go for long walks, to read, to journal, to make music.

9. HAVING FRIENDS THAT I DON'T FREAK OUT/PUSH AWAY. Alcoholics are lonely, isolated people. Primarily because they lie and shout and do idiotic, impulsive things. I lost SO many friends who just couldn't deal with me anymore. They reached their limit. My OH was the ONLY person to truly remain my rock.

10. HAVING A FUTURE. Looking forward to the experiences of life I have waiting for me, instead of living in a drugged fog where everything I did was aimed at getting the next fix. For once I have a chance of being able to look further forward than a few weeks, with a realistic chance of being alive and sober.

Just thought I'd share....any other experiences from you bloggers you'd like to add?

Addiction Sucks. Recovery Rocks.

Peace x


  1. Recovery does rock :)

    This is an excellent gratitude list and I want you to know that I admire you so much for sticking with recovery. It is no easy task to emerge from an addiction and you are incredibly strong for choosing to live and to recover.

    I'm very sorry that you have struggled with so much pain and with so many difficulties in your life, but you are truly an inspiration for rising above your past and working to improve your future. A lot of hope exists within you and I think you are great :)

    Keep fighting and stay strong <3


  2. Thank you. Sometimes it helps just to stop and take stock of how far down the road I've come. Sure, I took a few wrong turns and I certainly slipped and fell more than once. The important thing is that I am still on the right track and I have come further than I ever dreamed I could this time last year.

    Hooray for choosing to live free of alcohol and drug abuse!