Sunday, 10 October 2010


Isn't it sick the things we do to ourselves when we no longer care? When our goal is fighting the self-destructive urges 24/7?

EXAMPLE: Burning yourself SO badly *full thickness* and in a compromising place *lower arm and hand, over the wrist joint* because you knew it would involve a skin graft operation, and you wanted one because you were bummed that they refused last time as it was self-inflicted?

Isn't that just so awful and sick and quite sad?

Yet at the time it was exciting, thrilling, numbing...

Oh so much fear, so many tears.

I am forgiving myself.

But I will never forget.

And I am sorry to all those that suffered alongside me as witnesses to my pain.

Be thankful, whatever life brings x


  1. I am sending you really big hugs <3

    Brighter days are ahead :)

    *hugs and more hugs*

  2. You MUST forgive yourself, and never ever beat yourself up over the things you have done. It is sick but only in the way that BPD is a sickness. We can analyse and tell ourselves that it is attention seeking or our actions provide us with that buzz we crave, but that is a large part of the illness isn't it? Despite what others may say, what we put ourselves through is perfectly normal to us. It's what we think we deserve. Or it is a way of communicating and telling others we are hurting. Or it is the needed buzz. The thing is many of us are programmed to protect those around us and worry constantly about how our actions are effecting others. Perhaps that is no bad thing, but I think it puts a huge amount of pressure on us. If somebody had broken their leg, they wouldn't saw off the cast and hobble around just to please others. They would take the time to heal, they would not feel guilt because there is nothing they can do about it. There it is, plain as day, a broken leg. But what is broken inside of us is far far harder to locate, to understand, to accept.

    And one day we will be able to stop our negative actions and deal with our issues in a positive and less destructive way, just as the broken leg will begin to heal. But it is not to be rushed, and we and the people around us need to understand that.

    Hugs LL x

  3. Thank you so much for your words.

    You are so true in what you say and your analogy about physical illness is spot on. Often I feel so bad about the way I have coped and the guilt I carry for how I've dealt with life, but I get reminded that if I got cancer I wouldn't be expected to pretend I was fine and refuse treatment. Eventually I guess the outcome would be pretty sad in both cases.

    I'm SO grateful now for my experiences, however bad they have been at times. They have made me a strong, independent and compassionate person who is all about promoting positive attitudes to mental health and being an advocate for those who cannot speak for themselves.

    There are way too many people suffering like I was out there without a voice. Hopefully I can reach out and touch their hearts in a small way. Recovery is most definitely possible.

    Much love and thank you again x