AN UPDATE

I didn't feel much like blogging today because I knew I'd have to 'fess up to my awful night last night. It goes something like this:

RACE OUT THE DOOR WHILE OH TAKES DOG AROUND THE BLOCK
RUN SO FAST TO SHOP TO GET VODKA I HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK
GET HOME JUST BEFORE OH
START DRINKING
THROW UP ALL OVER MYSELF AND THE NEW FLOORING
CALL OH WHO FREAKS
PASS OUT
WAKE UP AND DEAL WITH CONSEQUENCES

So not fun.

Luckily for me my OH is AMAZING at forgiving me. It is heartbreaking to see that the trust he has in me right now when it comes to my alcoholism is pretty much ZERO. Who could blame him? But it sucks. I feel guilty, angry, frustrated, sad. At myself for allowing the demon to conquer me. I did SO well yesterday, nearly made it through...started drinking at 9pm.

WHY?!

I f*ing HATE it when I do it, I HATE the anxiety beforehand, I HATE the consequences...

Yet I still believe that drinking will make it all better, all go away, all numb.

Clearly not.

Missed my gig tonight because I was still throwing up. Lately whenever I drink I get really sick, I'm guessing because of the opiate based meds I take. It was a pretty yuck day.

So I have a BIG gig Saturday night and it's paid. Let's cross my fingers I stay sane and sober.

NO DRINKIES FOR L


I know some of you may not understand, or may find my actions frustrating.

All I can say is that if you've lived it, you'll understand.

And me now, compared to me previously, is a WHOLE new person. I used to be MAJORLY messed up. I guess I'll share some fun stories with you guys to let you into my past soon. I think you'd appreciate my sarcastic humour when it comes to my own idiocy.

I really hope you guys all had a better day than me.

Let's just say that a mistake is not a mistake if you learn from it....

Pick myself up, dust myself off, start all over again x