OK.
So there are plenty of people out there with HEARTBREAKING, HEARTWRENCHING, physical diseases...
And they need support, love, encouragement.
Of course.
yet, to this day, I have not been able to acknowledge that I AM SICK.
I AM NOT STRONG.
I TRY.
BUT I OFTEN FAIL/FALL/SLIP/SLIDE
Well. What can I say? I would LOVE to tell you all that today has been great and I have been perfect.
It would be SO EASY to say that.
NO
I DO NOT AGREE
I WILL NOT DECIEVE
I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY OF YOU RECOGNISE THE DIFFICULTY OF STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF WHILST DRUNK.
IT SUCKS.
I HAVE TO TYPE MY WORDS OVER AND OVER AND OVER
AND YET WITHOUT THEM
SO MANY OF YOU WOULD BE LOST
SO
THERE IS A REASON TO COMMIT. There is a reason to persevere, to succeed, to become more than a number on the scale.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
I CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT THIS IS ME. HOWEVER RAW I AM. HOWEVER SAD THIS MAY BE. THIS IS ME.
Please, all of you that are scared and afraid and stuck, reach out.
It will make bearing my soul worthwhile.
I BELIEVE IN YOU ALL. THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE X
I can only think of one analogy this morning. Picture this: Chilean miners are trapped in darkness for 69 days. There are 33 of them, together, sharing the challenging days together. They are sent down antidepressants to get them through the hell. They receive letters and messages from their loved ones to keep them strong. They are told a couple of days ago that they will be coming back into the light. They are met by hugging, loving, crying loved ones at the top. They are heroes, they are brave, they are amazing.
ReplyDeleteThere is no denying this, they are.
Now picture this: Stuck, trapped in darkness and on your own. You are given antidepressants or antipsychotics or mood stabilizers, but it is often not really thought through, or the medication chops and changes. There are few letters or messages of hope - perhaps because nobody understands, perhaps because you cannot tell anybody about being trapped. You may be told this will never go away, but you will one day be able to cope with being trapped. You may not see the light again for years, decades, maybe not in your lifetime. When occasionally you surface into the light, you only feel panic because you wonder when you will next be plunged into darkness. Rather than support and love from millions, there are a handful of people who may make a passing comment - perhaps positive, perhaps negative.
NOW TELL ME YOU ARE NOT BRAVE, STRONG, AND INCREDIBLE. You wake up in the morning, you breathe, you carry on.
I'm not being negative, or at least I'm not trying to be negative. I'm trying to make you see what all the people on here and in your life undoubtedly think. If you live with these demons day in, day out, and you carry on - whether confidently or with utter fear - THERE IS NO DOUBT THAT YOU ARE INCREDIBLY STRONG. THERE IS NO DOUBT THAT YOU ARE AN AMAZING INDIVIDUAL.
You may not be able to feel the words or understand the words right now. But that does not make them less true.
Keep talking xxx
You're quiet. I hope you are ok. I've been thinking of you xx
ReplyDeleteThank you P.
ReplyDeleteA disastrous night, I guess you could say, but all is well again today and I shall dust myself off and carry on.
Thank you for caring x