I'm going to have a heartfelt outpouring, I can feel it coming on...bear with me!
I realise I have quite often posted my food and weight on here. Yet I often fail to identify with what is going on with my ED and how much of a grip it has on me sometimes.
Right now, and often, I feel huge. I feel bloated and uncomfortable and like I really don't want to face eating ever again.
Yet between these periods I battle the urge to binge when I am hungry, I worry about how to know how much food is enough, or not enough, or too much.
I struggle to 'sit' with feeling full at the moment without feeling guilty or anxious.
I freak if the scale moves upwards, feel happy if it goes down.
I have a 'goal weight' that is NOT healthy or realistic.
THESE THINGS SHOULD SET ALARM BELLS OFF IN MY HEAD.
And they do...and get lately I have been struggling to keep my head above water. I am trying SO hard to not give in to my ED. To nourish my body, be grateful for all it does to keep me alive, and respect that the damage I've already done is too much. That I cannot afford to restrict. It is too dangerous for my heart, for my bones, for my poor, damaged body.
I have to remember WHY I worked SO hard for SO long to recover.
Yet I still sit feeling round and chubby and sad.
What am I really feeling?
Scared that my life is stalling
Scared that I will never fulfill my potential
Confused as to what the above means
Afraid that I lost my chance at having a soul mate
Scared to take the plunge
Scared to break away
Scared to grow up