Two Bakewell tarts later and I'm MAD.
I get so ANGRY.
Want to rip my throat out so I can't swallow.
Tear out my heart to stem the pain.
Why does it even matter?
I need to get the reins back and TAKE CONTROL.
I HATE THIS.
I'm trying right now to persuade myself to sleep. I want oblivion so I don't have to face how bloated I am and how crap I feel. Sick, sick, sick.
Tired of all this fighting.
I NEED to lose 3lb and it's not going to happen like this.
Ideally I would get from my current weight of 91b to 84lb (6 stone). Last month I was 6st 3. That's 87lb. That would be beautiful right now.
What does it feel like to binge?
SCARY...GROSS...LOUD...
I won't be purging. It just triggers me to binge more. I reckon I'm at about 1800 kcal today. Way more than usual but still not devastating, IF I STOP NOW.
So action plan...
BRUSH TEETH, SNUGGLE DOG, GO TO BED WITH BOOK...
End of a crap day.
I feel like dying just to escape the pain. What's that all about? Bit drastic.
If I had some pills I would take them to get me to bed. I have some mood stabilizers that have an effect on me if I take too many, make me dizzy and sick, and really drowsy. But it really wouldn't be great to do that on top of the morphine patches. Danger...danger...
Earlier this year I was REALLY abusing them and ended up with pretty messed up bloods. So I stopped. Now it seems tempting.
WHY after having an ED for over 10 years and going through countless therapies, do I STILL feel so ashamed and so guilty for eating? Especially over indulging.
When I starve I feel POWERFUL AND ALIVE. STRONG. IN CONTROL. SUPERIOR
Right now I feel SMALL AND FURIOUS. VULNERABLE. WEAK. PATHETIC. INFERIOR.
Feeling full is too REAL. I can feel it too much. Starving is to numb my thoughts and my body. It is to cleanse myself of the dirt inside.
I want Vodka. I want endless dark.
I know this is the millionth time I've posted today. I guess I wanted you all to see the reality of how I am 'dealing' with this. I'm trying.
PLAN FOR TOMORROW:
NO GODDAMN JUNK. NO SWEETS!!!
I am addicted to sugar I swear, and it only makes me binge more. If I simply gave up sweets and nothing else I'd lose a ton of weight. I even eat them when I'm starving. In restricted amounts.
Food allowed tomorrow will include:
Weetabix
Fruit
Pasta and Sauce
If I can make it a good day then I should be ok. If I let myself go I'll be back in that vicious cycle of bingeing, purging and beating myself up with that 'fuck it' attitude. I screwed up so I may as well finish it. Eat what I want, ignore my body and my head screaming 'NO! DON'T! PLEASE!' and stuff my feelings down.
I don't want to do that. Seriously.
The only way is to eat well and eat healthily. I know that. It's damn hard though. I know I'll be shaking tomorrow when my blood sugar drops. I always get mad headaches and nausea when I try to stop eating sugar. I HATE IT. I always give in.
Maybe this time I'll stick it out.
I'm off to make tea and dream x
hunny... if you feel like a whale after eating one cookie too many, think how you will feel with 2 stone of extra baby weight and a huge bump. You NEED to be a whale.
ReplyDeleteI have wanted to post, many times, but I dont want to hurt your feelings, make you feel down or contribute to your pain, but I think having a baby would be a bad move at this stage or your recovery.
Babies need you. A lot. They depend on you to nurture them and give them everything they need - obviously some of us, me included, missed out on the things we needed as babies and young children which has put us in our particular predicament today. We can't let that happen to our kids too. We wouldnt wish it on another human being to go through our pain would we?
So we have to be, as far as we can, ready to think selflessly and give selflessly. A baby needs a mum who eats well, and you would need to face the very issues that you are battling with on a daily basis for not just 9 months, but at least until that baby is an adult and able to cook its own food. Remember they learn from us -for instance, I HATE & DETEST fish, but i eat it infront of my son so that he doesnt learn that its horrible. If i never cooked it, he would never eat it... therefore he would never know if he liked it and kids decide the dont like stuff very easily - trust me!
Also, you are on a lot of meds. None of those things would be good for a pregnant lady to take. Or even a breast feeding lady. I hated myself for a long time for not being able to breast feed, and you get serious guilt trips from the nurses and doctors if you dont too because none fo them read the notes first just shoot "And why are you not feeding him????!!!" and you have to answer because of this and that and the other and YOU gave me medication to take so I cant. But they dont think first, just accuse. Its not nice.
If you are not ready to give up life as you know it, then a baby is an added hasstle, stress and pain in the bum that will NOT go away. Think of how you live your life now. think how you feel when you are down, or low. You wanna curl up somewhere. Well bubbs is not something that you can return. When you are feeling shit, they wanna play trains and cars and be thrown in the air and go to the park, the beach, the sweet shop, the library. Those are places I am guessing (from posts where you are scared to go see a councillor on the bus) you would have trouble dealing with going to. Think about how many times you need to see the doctor and your midwife during your pregnancy - blood tests, checkups, scans, anti-natal classes weekly,and the birth itself - could be anything from 24 hours to a week in the hospital depending what happens. Now all of that is without adding into the mix complications from the birth, post natal depression (i still have it and my son is 11!) the change in finances, and all those general things and doing them ALL with a baby that needs constant attention anyway and physical needs at least every 2 hours (nappies, puked up on clothes so need changing, feeding etc)
see comment 2 for the rest
Its so easy to brush this off as obvious stuff and we ALL think its will be fine, but its a hell of a lot harder than it looks when you see that bundle in the pram. I have no idea how to describe the mind numbing hell of 2am feeds, followed by 4am feeds followed by 6am feeds. Endless crying for no reason - no sleep and feeling like shit. Its awful, and thats IF your child actually sleeps at night - yep you still get no sleep even if they do! Babies are completely selfish in every way. Thats their nature.
ReplyDeleteOne thing is for sure, a chilled out, calm, tranquill mum = the same in a baby.
Mine was a freaking nightmare until he was 2 which tells you what I was like! I got through it because I adored my husband and we worked it through together, cried together and fought through it together. It is such a big factor that it can break couples who are not ready.
No one is ready though. People think aww I want a baby to love, and I have focused on all the negatives here, but for a long time - apart from cute moments - there isnt a lot of reward. It becomes worth it when they give you kisses and smile at you and draw you a picture, but thats a while off from being a baby. They are cute to look at when they are sleeping and people stop and coo over them, but the reality is above hun.
Ultimately, its your decision, and only you can know if you are strong enough to eat really well for the health of your developing baby, lose the drugs that you take for the pain and alcohol therapy & be at peace with growing bigger day on day and gaining a healthy amount of weight (baby + water =abt 1 stone 7lbs).
Harming yourself would put your little child in danger of being without you, and that is one thing it would not deserve as I think with your background you can right the wrongs you were dealt and love and cherish that child with every fibre of your being. If you think you have the skills to bring up a child, strong in health, secure and free of spirit, then you are a better person than I.
I had my son then reaslied the pieces I had dropped all over the place. It's not something that any of us know for sure if we can do, but you will know if you think you can. None of us do a great job, and anyone who says they do is liar. Can you cope with that uncertainty of failing?
I hope I havent offended you by this, its totally not what I want to do. I think you are doing amazingly and your blog - bareing your soul - shows how much. You are beginning to deal with these emotions and putting it out there risks people disagreeing - It shows you are strong.
Stop punishing yourself for what has happened, and look at what you have accomplished. forget about thinking you are whining. thats fine. Obviously there are people out there in a worse position... but thats them!! This blog is about you. Dont feel guilty for being upset/hurt/whining. If thats what you wanna do, then do it. I do.
All the very best, and I am following your blog now too.
feel free to completely trash me and put me right too by the way ;-)
xbunnyx
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your input. And of course at the moment you're right. I am NOWHERE near ready to have kids, not by a long shot. That's the reason that when I DID get pregnant, however awful this sounds and whether it is ethical or not, I had an abortion.
At the clinic they asked me if it was what I really wanted. I said NO, of course not, who would want to do that? BUT it was in the best interests of that potential child not to come into my crazy life at that point. I was being as selfless as I could and it took me a long long time to forgive myself and get over the pain of loss (I REALLY wanted the baby). But I knew that I couldn't bear to think that I couldn't give that child a decent chance in life.
So funnily enough, I totally agree with you. I think maybe I wasn't very clear in my posts...I would love a family one day, in my future I hope it would happen. I just don't want to end up marrying someone who 10 years down the line would still deny me that. Having said that, who knows, I might decide I never want kids. Right now a child is the last thing I want. My dog is enough responsibility!
Thank you for posting so much insight into my situation. It really helps to hear an objective viewpoint and of course I won't take offence. It was clearly written from a caring perspective and I thank you for your honesty.
I would never trash you for stating your opinion...esp when I happen to agree with it!
Much love x
Just wanted to say the abortion was actually a few years ago...just in case I confused the situation.
ReplyDeleteAnd I totally respect what you're saying about the nightmare of endless sleepness nights and angry screaming kids. I actually brought up my friend's two kids for a fairly substantial period when she was away looking after her sick husband who had cancer, and I have to say I had moments where I wanted to throw the baby at the wall, many times where I broke down and cried....but I never let it show. I shut the door, closed my eyes...counted to ten...then put the smile back on and dealt with it.
But you're right. Having a child is so permanent and right now I need to be able to work on fixing me. I am doing great (despite my whining!) right now and I hope that all the effort I have put in over the past few years of putting myself together will eventually lead to a fulfilling life with people around me that I love and care for.
Sorry...that turned into a ramble!
so nice to hear the things you put, Its hard to comment on such a new blog as we dont (cant) really know all about the ins and outs, but I am glad you responded and for what its worth I reckon you are awesome and you are totally going to achieve what you set out to. I can tell by your open and honest response that you are strong and are taking care of yourself. I have gained a lot as a blogger, and I am sure you will too.
ReplyDeleteI too had an abortion when I was 18, pregnant by an abusive, fist happy arsehole of the first order who promptly told me to lose it, or lose him. It's messed me up for a long time and still saddens me in my dark moments now. From the moment I had the termination, I longed to replace it. It set my clock running. Thankfully I met the man of my dreams at 19 and we did have our son (whos 11 now) and we are happy, but it could have gone so wrong. It was the right choice for me then, but I didnt realise the problems that would come from it, or the guilt and pain and anger. It was probably the decision I would have come to, but I was forced into terminating by my mother and to a certain extent the boyfriend too. It was after that, I started to get fat. I ate to comfort, and I my mind fights me if I try and stop eating. Its like I have to diet in secret incase my brain finds out. We will get there eventually...
I really empathize with you, its not something I touch on in my blog, but I have a problem with spending vast sums of money in a fit of fancy and then regretting it, was dangerously close to being alcoholic (maybe I am/was - i just dont drink any more incase) and other very grave addictive personality borne traits. Its a hard fight. My mother doesnt understand, alwasy trys to 'solve' me and all i really want is to be listen to.
Thanks for letting me comment, and I look forward to reading more of your journey and filling in the blanks.
xbunnyx