Two Bakewell tarts later and I'm MAD.
I get so ANGRY.
Want to rip my throat out so I can't swallow.
Tear out my heart to stem the pain.
Why does it even matter?
I need to get the reins back and TAKE CONTROL.
I HATE THIS.
I'm trying right now to persuade myself to sleep. I want oblivion so I don't have to face how bloated I am and how crap I feel. Sick, sick, sick.
Tired of all this fighting.
I NEED to lose 3lb and it's not going to happen like this.
Ideally I would get from my current weight of 91b to 84lb (6 stone). Last month I was 6st 3. That's 87lb. That would be beautiful right now.
What does it feel like to binge?
I won't be purging. It just triggers me to binge more. I reckon I'm at about 1800 kcal today. Way more than usual but still not devastating, IF I STOP NOW.
So action plan...
BRUSH TEETH, SNUGGLE DOG, GO TO BED WITH BOOK...
End of a crap day.
I feel like dying just to escape the pain. What's that all about? Bit drastic.
If I had some pills I would take them to get me to bed. I have some mood stabilizers that have an effect on me if I take too many, make me dizzy and sick, and really drowsy. But it really wouldn't be great to do that on top of the morphine patches. Danger...danger...
Earlier this year I was REALLY abusing them and ended up with pretty messed up bloods. So I stopped. Now it seems tempting.
WHY after having an ED for over 10 years and going through countless therapies, do I STILL feel so ashamed and so guilty for eating? Especially over indulging.
When I starve I feel POWERFUL AND ALIVE. STRONG. IN CONTROL. SUPERIOR
Right now I feel SMALL AND FURIOUS. VULNERABLE. WEAK. PATHETIC. INFERIOR.
Feeling full is too REAL. I can feel it too much. Starving is to numb my thoughts and my body. It is to cleanse myself of the dirt inside.
I want Vodka. I want endless dark.
I know this is the millionth time I've posted today. I guess I wanted you all to see the reality of how I am 'dealing' with this. I'm trying.
PLAN FOR TOMORROW:
NO GODDAMN JUNK. NO SWEETS!!!
I am addicted to sugar I swear, and it only makes me binge more. If I simply gave up sweets and nothing else I'd lose a ton of weight. I even eat them when I'm starving. In restricted amounts.
Food allowed tomorrow will include:
Pasta and Sauce
If I can make it a good day then I should be ok. If I let myself go I'll be back in that vicious cycle of bingeing, purging and beating myself up with that 'fuck it' attitude. I screwed up so I may as well finish it. Eat what I want, ignore my body and my head screaming 'NO! DON'T! PLEASE!' and stuff my feelings down.
I don't want to do that. Seriously.
The only way is to eat well and eat healthily. I know that. It's damn hard though. I know I'll be shaking tomorrow when my blood sugar drops. I always get mad headaches and nausea when I try to stop eating sugar. I HATE IT. I always give in.
Maybe this time I'll stick it out.
I'm off to make tea and dream x