Well, ironically after speaking about how hoarding food can end up being dangerous for me...I binged today. Damn. I won't go into specifics because I still feel huge and yuck. But I probably ingested around 4000kcal in one sitting. I purged but I'm by no means empty. I still feel lethargic and grumpy from the sugar rush-crash, and my stomach feels like I swallowed a brick.
I am getting so much better, at this stage, to accept that punishing myself and feeling terribly guilty about this will only feed my negativity and cause me to get stuck in that awful, uncontrollable downward spiral of bingeing and purging.
So, damage control, even though I didn't really feel like eating (ironic, huh) I made myself a healthy meal. Unfortunately I purged that too. But it's better than what used to be stuff my face until I'm practically gasping for breath, get rid of as much as possible and wake up MISERABLE the next morning. Yah.
In other news, I don't know how to process the way I'm feeling at the moment. Because I'm isolating so badly at the moment, I have way too much time to be introspective and pick holes in myself. I'm getting that sensation a lot where I want to just put the covers over my head and pretend I don't exist. I am basically sabotaging myself, as I was gradually building a pretty full life, and now I'm terrified to go out without my partner or dog. I'm working on it...
My stomach looks and feels like a football, but I am at least going to give my throat a rest and not purge again. It already feels like razor wire. Side effects are NOT fun. Nor is bingeing. I actually don't know what triggered it today, other than the fact that last night I was super hungry and ate a little more than usual, which panicked me. It always amazes me that I then eat MORE in my anxiety, not less. Surely if I went to the gym or walked the dog miles instead, I wouldn't feel so gross and bloated?! It's a bizarre illness. Yet I am getting there. I will be doing some strength training tomorrow, whatever happens. I HAVE to start reintroducing a life into my existence, and getting toned and fit is something I love doing. It's rewarding and productive and gives me a focus. Plus I don't get obsessive over exercise so it's not a trigger for me to start losing weight. Probably because I'm lazy about working out, and a very good procrastinator! Ultimately the excuses for not doing it are only hurting me, noone else gives a damn if I'm exercising or not. So I have to try and be honest with myself and tell myself that I will feel mentally and physically better after a good workout. Which I DO.
I did follow through on lowering my pain meds but I'm having major trouble coping with the level of pain I'm in, especially as I'm feeling low anyway. It's just constant and deep and nagging. I am torn. I might just up my other meds as I have constantly been waking up in the night in pain, and I could really do with a decent sleep.
Will try and elaborate more later...I want to expand on the reasons behind all this dysfunction, but I keep putting it off because it's quite emotionally tough to write about my history. It's eventful to say the least!
Hope you're all smiling today, remember you are loved x